The weight in 2023

You know that feeling right before you cry? When your chest sorta tightens and feels heavy and achy .. and then fingers of ache & chill radiant from your heart and the tears flow, like a dam bursting, taking the weight & ache with them …

That feeling in your chest, right before the tears fall, thats how grief feels every day.

It’s been 311 days and that weight and ache and chill is present every single day. Sometimes the dam breaks and the tears still flow in gasping sobs but they never take the pain with them.

I feel like I’m retreating further and further. I’m afraid of being told I should be moving on by now, it’s coming up on a year .. but I’m not moving on. I’m not learning to live with it. I’m not living for the both of us now.

I’ve been asked several times if I’m seeing a counselor or something and the answer remains no.

I do not want to rehash all this https://www.prosebox.net/entry/1994135/ in order for someone to understand why I am so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time and being a “survivor” and doing all the things society expects me to do because I’m woman, hear me roar.

I’m done roaring. Done.

Talking with someone will not change that. It will not undo the things done. It will not bring him back.

I had my happy ending. Fucking hell we were happy. I was like - phew, ya fam, okay it was all worth it to get to this place. We good. Omg we so good.

And then … ya. He’s taken from me. My ex-husband continues to suck oxygen and the love of my life took his last breath in bed with me … how the fuck? I’m so over this.