Breakthrough Era? in Current Events

Every inch of me wants to shrink my surroundings to feel safe. At the same time, I want to be anywhere but here. I don’t even know where here is. I just feel like I need to be somewhere else. Doing something else. Being someone else. Thinking something else. Saying something else. This loop I am in is suffocating me. When you need food, you feel hunger. When you need water, you feel thirst. When you need growth, you feel… stuck.

I feel like I could have a breakdown or a breakthrough any day now. It will be a breakthrough, I think my breakdown era is behind me. Death and rebirth, that’s been the theme of my temporary existence. I lose everything, then get my footing. I lose everyone, then get new people. Now that I think about it, my surroundings are shrinking without my help and I am starting to feel closterphobic in my fragile little world.

I got triggered when I tried to find an e-mail for my gym. That was frustrating. I want to talk to somebody about the garbage services we are getting. I decided to just work out in my room but then got really frustrated when I looked in the mirror. Tiny little shoulders, tiny little arms, bloated belly as always. I’ve been going there 3x a week since October, do I really have nothing to show for it?

Cue the violin.
I’m a millennial, I work really hard and have nothing to show for it.

While I was in the shower yesterday, I was thinking about how my fight with cystic acne ruined my ability to expect results. I went vegan, that is what did it. Prior to that, I was in that category of I tried everything and nothing worked. I’m left with the hideous scars. I hate it so much. I doomscroll for hours every day. Ads do nothing but make promises. Buy this and get amazing results. I literally cannot imagine doing anything and getting something out of it. Like, even before I went to the gym I was working out in my room. I’m still a twig. I did the whole hustle culture thing and tried to get my money up. I bossed up. I had savings and investments and then lost it all during CON-19. What was the point? I feel like I’m playing VLTs at the casino again and losing while everybody else is winning.

I start classes again next week. Why bother? The 2030 agenda will get in my way again. I’m not allowed to have anything. I’m not allowed to win anything. I’m not allowed to keep anything. I’m not allowed to be comfortable. [Happiness: Denied]

It’s like all of my frustrations bubbled up at once. This is when I always wish I had somebody. I can’t even have that. The most frustrating thing to hear is the same old generic responses to that statement. The right person will come along. No they will not!!

The most frustrating thing of all, besides my own self, is people. They always do the dumb thing. Say the dumb thing. People in my life just keep disappointing me. I play nice but come on! They don’t say the right things. They never know what to say, honestly. It pisses me off even more when they don’t say anything at all. All of the times I have dropped everything to be there. I can’t even stomach thinking about this right now.

I don’t know what to do. In this moment. In any moment. What am I supposed to say or think or write? I am stuck in this positive feedback loop, just numbed out and doing nothing because I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing while something feels like there is something eating away at me.

Ok! I think I at least know where to start. I’m going to get drunk and order a hoe from Grindr like a normal person. Kidding! I’m not a public toilet. But I know what I got to do, at least where to start.

Breathe you big bloated bitch on Prosebox.