Finding Equilibrium in My New Life

In so many ways life growing up was exceptionally chaotic which carried over into my early life in college. I played guitar and sang in bands. I was wild and apart of so many things. I don’t really regret this, but something would eventually click. Part of my drive was that I was looking for something. I was not satisfied. Bob Dylan’s documentary No Direction Home (and followed by I’m Not There as an unofficial 3-part series) was a favourite of my friends I had between high school and college. (I took a year off to explore the country the country in an epic expedition). But, something Bob Dylan said that rang very true for me was, “I was born a long way from home, and I was just out to find out who Woody Guthrie was”. I always related with these characters on the outside. In college I remember seeing things, or witnessing something that other kids had that I never knew about. It was like a peacefulness, or a tunnel they were in that I was on the outside of. Eventually, I would be accepted into enough other families to finally figure out what it was that I was missing. Eventually, in my early 20s I would get it down. It was like a fold, and function, and being able to find balance between my work-life, and projects I enjoyed. It was contentment. I finally went to bed excited about all the great things the following day held. That is opposed to how I grew up where all my life was leading up to summer camp, or other such activities. I was always a star camper, or popular, or winning trophies, but on the other end of things—going home was just a series of daily drudgery all leading up until the next camp or event. It was similar to a Chris Farley conundrum where as much joy as he brought everyone else on the inside he was deeply unhappy.

It took me sorting out certain truths in order to begin correcting the habits that lead to daily unhappiness, and insecurity. And I found that I grew up with a Chris Farley family. And that the habits I had were really just my getting along in a Chris Farley family. In a lot of ways my siblings and I were like a Jackson 5. We all sing and play music which is really my father’s contribution. We travelled all over the East side of the United States singing in churches, and at summer camps, and at other functions, so yes, we are sort of a celebrity family. But, it was all really for my father’s ego. He really never cared about what we wanted out of life. Even now, he is always trying to find a way to take credit for my achievements in life when really he fought me more than supported me. My siblings and I all grew our hair out when we moved from home. I was really the first to do it when I turned 18. It was forbade in high school to have anything more than square, crew-top. But, then when Duck Dynasty got big a few states away from us, Hot Damn! Dad may grow his hair and beard out too. My sons are like Duck Dynasty. We could have our own show. (We grew up going to the same denomination of church as Duck Dynasty.) The problem is is that I hate Duck Dynasty and really am ashamed people literally don’t have anything better to do, but to watch other people living their lives.

This all just takes me back to what I found to be the original source of my daily depression, and that thing I saw in college. Those kids were just completely content to go to bed after just a normal day. I would eventually find the normal reward most folks get naturally from working-out or getting good grades. My grades in college were so-so, but I was also out playing music and drinking like it would be summer camp forever. I could be the side of Robin Williams that the cameras saw always while my grades would suffer some semesters. I found that I was taught that either you make it as big as Duck Dynasty or you are a failure. You are either the biggest star or not valuable at all. As I’ve said before, I ran away from home at 18, and took some of the bad habits with me. I would eventually iron them out. I found reward in working-out, yoga, making positive changes, working towards goals, being a good friend. Being a good neighbor. There are rewards everywhere, and I can spend my evenings in peace and contentment even if I didn’t play an earth-shattering concert that night. I still play music; guitar, piano and sing, and I may start scheduling in a concert occasionally, but it’s really for the joy of doing it. I’m not trying to be the next Johnny Cash, or Jerry Lee Lewis my father wants me to be. I’m just happy. I’m content. I’m satisfied. And my evening looked like this tonight before I head into work. I’m studying early for my exams and finding it satisfying in that way I never knew life could be while I was growing up.

Last updated October 25, 2023