What to say... in Journal

I feel as if I’ve gone back in time…a decade, to be precise.
I daresay that I look like it, too. I looked at my face in the mirror today, and I was surprised.
I can be a bit-well, impulsive. I have that tendency, anyway. I’ve been accustomed to the necessity of a measured approach. Otherwise, as you might imagine, I can easily get carried away and fly from one thing to another. I’ve let that go a bit, recently. I got the angora rabbits- which I just adore, by the way- started really making sourdough, the forest school, organizing some money making opportunities, research… And I feel like I’m losing track of everyday concrete life. What is there to keep me tethered? What, if not my moral commitment, is there to restrain my mindless self indulgence?
I really made it a priority to focus on my son this last week. And you know what? It was beautiful. I put my phone down, didn’t even listen to music (unless he wanted to) and I pursued his interests. He helped me with a ton of things! He’s very skilled, and intelligent. Very much a leader quality type of personality. There definitely has to be something in it for him, lol. Not a sucker for sure.

I feel as if more is possible. This feeling has come about rather quickly, although I did have a bit of a run up to it. I look back at the last decade- the things I did and what I’ve chosen to accomplish. I am happy that I chose all of the things I did. I mean, given the start I had. I really do not think that there could have been a much better trajectory. I woke up to the biggest lies in my life. I healed my mind and my heart. And I brought children into the world whom I love.
Sometimes, I get stuck in the fantasies of what I wish was, but is not. Most of it would have necessitated knowledge or ability to be transferred backward in time. If I had known then what I know now-! But I think that is a lack of love and understanding for my past self. I made the best decision possible. Not only did I make the best decision possible, but I enabled my current self to exist! My past self “must* have sacrificed what she did in order for my current self to be here. So this fantasy of going back in a way is a murder fantasy. And now I wonder if it is displaced anger…

The world is far more wonderful and marvelous than I knew before. Every day I learn something more amazing.
Now that I have critical thinking skills and a habit of a measured approach, I feel that verve that I felt a decade ago… To learn and know more. It wasn’t possible for me, then. I was far too traumatized, far too incapable of thought. But, now…
I have been prepared.