Exhausted- and - my sis was here :) in Days of My Destiny

I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted today. I’m coming down with something too, and I know it’s the after-effect of everything.

It was a weird, draining week last week. It usually is when they visit. But this time it ended with me giving them the letter. On my end of things, I feel good that I did that. But I also know that on their end of things, this is a BIG deal. L told me that the only thing it reminded him of was when his sister wrote them her coming out letter years and years ago. In MY world, the things I wrote about aren’t that big a deal, but just need to be said. But in THEIR world.... it’s on the same scale as when I yelled at my parents at the top of my lungs for them to leave my house that time I was pregnant with M and they were having the millionth domestic in MY home. It’s seriously at THAT level of bad. So....... yeah, it’s a big deal that I’ve written this letter. I had L’s full support when I first wrote it. He was really all for it, me giving it to them. He said his parents are “usually pretty good with this sort of stuff” and that they would write back and that things will definitely improve. Since I’ve given it to them though, he’s not so sure. He’s been quiet. He’s worried about how it will affect his parents, and he’s not so confident that it WILL change things for the better. He holds on more to hope than confidence. And this in itself has thrown me out of whack. I feel like I’ve done something that has made a gigantic impact - and not necessarily a positive one. Still, I feel that what I did was completely necessary, and I DID write it as positively and respectful as possible. You guys read it.

I’ve been meaning to say a huge THANK YOU, too, for all your support. Thank you for telling me that yes, I DO matter, and to keep going, and to look after myself, and that you can tell that what I wrote is from the heart. You have no idea how helpful this has been. Because in reality, I feel like I’M the Bad Guy here.

And you know.... there are so many things I just can’t stand anymore. So many stupid, LITTLE things. But I made sure that I focused on the main ones in the letter. And maybe once those things get better, and our relationship is smoother, or on the mend at least, all the other things won’t bother me so much. Like the fact that I get told where to sit at dinnertime. In my house, WE DON’T DO THAT. We sit wherever the fuck we want. But no, when they’re here, that’s how it is. It used to only be whenever she would cook for us. It’d become her night of hosting. But now it’s all the time, and it drives me insane. Or the fact that she STILL doesn’t know how to use my washing machine, even after three years of visiting. Same thing with our toaster. She asks me or L to put it on the right setting for whatever she’s eating (crumpets, fruit toast, bread). She asks us set to these things for her EVERY.TIME. Like fucking LEARN already! TRY already! Or like the fact that she simply WON’T eat a food that I’ve bought specifically for her. Something she loves, like fucking crumpets. I don’t even like crumpets that much. I’ve had a packet of crumpets in my freezer for ages, just for her. I took it out while she was here, for her, and she said that they would focus on their bag of fruit bread for the week. It’s fucking crumpets! The same crumpets you bring with you every other time! Just eat one! But no.. because I bought it… she won’t. The packet of crumpets sat there, on my bench, unopened, all week, until they left. I opened it and gave the crumpets to the chickens. Or the fact that she did not ONCE sit in the Reading Area. We have this area we created and it looks AMAZING, because before that it was just an empty space for a long time. I was looking forward to seeing her, sitting on the comfy couch in what we call The Reading Area, with her two granddaughters cuddled up to her, and I’d sneak in a photo. But no. The first day she got here, she was asking Little L if she could read her a story. I said to Little L, “Go pick a story and show grandma the new reading area!” all enthusiastically. And then next thing I know, she’s sitting in the normal lounge room, reading to Little L. I hate this! It’s like, why can’t you just fucking GO ALONG WITH SOMETHING already?!?!? It’s not hard for one minute!!!! One time she came here, she brought gifts like she normally does for the girls. They had a book each. M was really excited by that book (whatever it was, can’t remember now) and wanted grandma to read it to her at bedtime (because when they’re here, they do bedtime stories). But I heard grandma say that she’d read it the next day. When I went into the room to sing songs at bedtime, I saw that the book was sitting on M’s bed. I was surprised (in a good way) and said, “Oh, did grandma read you the book after all?” and M, looking slightly disappointed, said, “No.... she said she’ll read it tomorrow.”

I’m like… what the fuck. Seriously. SHE’S SIX. READ HER THE FUCKING STORY SHE WANTS AT BEDTIME. IT’S NOT HARD!!!!!!!!!

See what I mean? There are so many LITTLE things that I get sick of. And I know they’re little, and ideally I would just close my eyes and hum a happy tune, like The Beatles or something, and just not CARE about any of it. But I do, because it’s either a) inconvenient - eg washing machine and toaster crap, or b) unfair - eg not reading my child the story she wants at bedtime, or c) just downright rude and annoying!!! I feel like saying, now listen here, lady, you’re not in YOUR HOUSE now, you’re in MINE, so try to be accommodating and go along with shit the way shit goes down in MY HOUSE. Comprende????

Hence the letter. And you know.. I’m just SICK and TIRED of it all. I’m sick and tired of THINKING about it. Because it’s just ridiculous. Why should any of this even be a big deal to the point of writing a damn letter.

I cut M’s fringe yesterday. It was while L took Little L out down the road for a while (he went to give the neighbours an invite for his birthday party). M’s fringe was as long as the rest of her hair, and she’s been begging me all year to please have a fringe. I’ve avoided it because I know her hair - I know that her fringe will not be straight like her little sister’s, but will stand up in all directions, wild curls, all over the place - and even though I would love that look on her and not care, I also know HER. I know SHE wouldn’t like it. But finally.... I did it. We had a small chat just before it and said that if she doesn’t like it… it will grow back. She was all smiles when I first cut it (it looks great) but after a while, uncertainty slowly appeared on her face. She wants it to sit right down over her forehead, rather than have a slight curl. She was mostly okay about it, though, and we put loud music on in the kitchen and danced and danced and danced to celebrate. She looks older. Her subtle South American features stand out more. She looks beautiful. She’s growing up.

Little L, on the other hand, pfffft...... she’s been a handful for the last week. Tears galore. I am SO thankful for preschool day today!!! I’ve been reminding her that she will be 4 soon, and she can’t be carrying on the way she does anymore. She’s been crying over the STUPIDEST things and I simply have no patience for it. She’ll cry because M is holding something of hers, for example. This is happening around 15-20 times a day. It’s nothing like it was when it was M doing these very things. Because with M, that was my life for three years. She was 2, 3 and 4 when she did these things. My readers from OD will know! But Little L, she’s mostly been a really happy, funny, quirky, enjoyable child. Until now. I was telling L last night that if this is any indication of what her 4th year of life will be like, then I will be enrolling her into all the childcare-type scenarios possible, lol. I was joking, of course. But you know.... I better get some patience pills or something, hahahaha.

My time with my younger sister was AWESOME. She mostly hung out in her room, chatting with whoever she chatted with. But when she came out, we had fun. We watched episodes of Offspring together some nights, and ate Tim Tams and cuddled under a blanket one night while doing so. It felt like a truly GIRLY NIGHT. I took her to some jam session in the next town one afternoon, and we chilled to the beats, laying down on our tummies on a green grassy hill, taking photos and selfies and talking crap and laughing. Her and I went for a walk through the paddocks one afternoon and found a horse off in the distance. We tried to get near it, and I stayed back a bit because horses generally pick up on my funniness about them. My sister on the other hand, she went closer and closer and then stood really still with the perseverance of whoknowswhat, lol. And the horse....... it started coming up to her. They had this invisible language going on between them, it was AMAZING to see. He got about a metre away from her, and then the cows - who had initially galloped off lazily away from us - slowly started coming back, surrounding the horse, looking at us with all curiosity. This put my sister on edge. She thought the cows were going to attack us at any moment (which they totally weren’t), and I think the horse picked up on this, and so it turned around and walked away. It was a pretty awesome moment though, to witness the exact connection she actually has with horses.

When my in-laws were here, she was mostly herself. As the week wore on, I saw the change, even in her. My in-laws (mainly the mother-in-law) just HAVE THAT EFFECT on people. It’s insane. It’s creepy. My sister started hanging out more and more and more in her room. How I wished I could be her sometimes. I remembered all those years, when my own big sister was around, if there was a situation I didn’t want to deal with, I simply wouldn’t. I’d go to my room and leave her high and dry. Now it was my turn to be left high and dry.

We talked about a lot of things. Her dreams. How she feels about things. What it would be like if she did come to live here. What would she do. How she would go without the family. Her love life. Her coping skills when things go wrong. Her diet.

I pretty much told her to be who she is and not to feel that she has to hide anything or be a certain way. I told her it’s ALLLLL good. And I’m glad I did, because it’s the truth.

I think she’s really ready to move out of The House. She says she NEEDS to. She says they’d miss her, but it’s something she really needs to do. I get the feeling mum might just say Yes to her coming to live with me for a while. Mum texted me after my in-laws dropped my sister back home. She said that my sister seemed so incredibly happy, she even started crying. I wonder if she may have been overwhelmed. She had a pretty peaceful time here. We just let her be. And now she has to go back home, where she doesn’t really get that. She gets told off a lot. There’s nobody there for her, really. She said that she opens up to my big sister up there, and that’s about it. I hope her last term of high school is fun and rewarding. She’s finding her way in this world. And I think she will find herself.

After she left, we found a note from her that she placed in a semi-discreet spot, obviously with the intention of us finding it after she’d left. The outside of it says, “Open me up, to reveal what’s inside! Love yous always! xxx” And then the inside says, “Dearest Gang, I just wanted to thank you for having me at your house for the past two weeks. It’s been great and really fun. I really enjoyed everything that we did together even if it wasn’t much <3 I will always remember these 2 weeks forever. Please look after my baby boy Spottie [the lamb], because I know that I’ll come back one day <3 If mum approves. Thank you so much for everything you guys did. <3 always, (name)”

So, so sweet.

Last updated October 07, 2014