Set Free in Days of My Destiny

The thing that will set me free is BEING MYSELF.

Somewhere along the lines I began to host on THEIR terms. I do actually know where it started - it started the night she would not eat the meal I had prepared because she didn’t like a certain ingredient I had used in the dish, somewhere way back in their earliest of visits. From then on, out of GOODNESS and SOUTH AMERICANNESS, I decided to cook only what she WOULD eat. Because as a host, I am eager to please.

To them, it’s no big deal if one person eats a different meal than everyone else altogether. I get it, their daughter has always done that (she’s the only vegetarian in the family). But you know what? Not in my house. Not in my culture. To me, it’s just not on. Sure, we ACCOMODATE, eg cook a SIMILAR meal. But we don’t just make someone eat cheese on toast for dinner when everyone else is having bloody lasagne. Especially if the reason is because you simply DON’T LIKE what I have cooked. But that’s exactly what happened. So I began to cook what she will eat. But the lines became blurred. And so the saying “mi casa es su casa” was no longer a saying, instead it became truth. And that truth is what I disagree with. L told me to be myself, to be who I am because who I am is awesome and that’s why he married me. That man melts my heart.

Yesterday I decided to do JUST THAT. I woke up, and was ME. In MY house. I ate when I wanted to eat, I read a book when I wanted to read a book. I offered cups of tea on MY terms, not when I think she’d want one (which is fine, because she makes herself her own cups of tea when she wants them). I relaxed. I made jokes when I wanted to make jokes. I didn’t hold back from what I would normally say simply because it’s THEM.

I WAS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was SO refreshing. It made me realise that seriously, THAT has been half the problem!!!! I allowed them, all in my own head, to dictate what I should say, eat, wear, do, everything!!!! And then suffered silently, as if they’d cornered me on purpose!!! They did corner me, but definitely not on purpose.

Today, she is funny with me. I swear it’s every second day. But you know what? I’m tired today. I only had 6 hours’ sleep, and in those 6 hours I awoke every two hours for one reason or another. Mostly Little L, and then at 4am I got a text message and I heard it come through so it woke me. So you know what? I’m just going to BE ME. And yes, that MAY mean that I MIGHT say things that might seem offensive to you, but you know what? Too bad!!! I’m in MY house and I’m STILL respecting you. I’m not throwing you out, I’m not insulting you.

So I asked them innocently this morning if they’ve seen the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. She gave me this look that said, “How do you not know this?” and replied, “Yeah we saw it with the girls, remember? In July?”

Fuck me dead, sorry I don’t keep track of all your movements, lady. Sorry I don’t remember what movie you watched THREE FUCKING MONTHS AGO.

I said, “No I don’t remember, that’s why I’m asking.” Awkward silence. Then L tells me it was that night that I was sick and they all went to the Kids Holiday Club Movie Night. That’s what they watched. I came alive as I recalled that night and said, “Ohhhhhhhh yeah, I was half dead that night, no WONDER I didn’t remember.”

Another awkward silence.

Oh well. As I said, I’m in MY HOUSE, not yours.

The buying-my-sisters-swimmers saga went on until the moment she left this morning for her ritualistic Op Shop visit. She asked me yesterday what we would do, if they would take the girls with them when they went out today or if I would take them with me. I had made it pretty clear that I was hoping to spend some quality time with my sister, but upon her initial dislike of the idea of taking her own granddaughters with her to the Op Shop (like she has done other times), I decided oh well, I’ll take them. I think what happened was that SHE thought I would head out in the morning at the same time as them, when in reality, I have NO IDEA when I will head out. Because that’s how unstructured I am (versus how structured they are). I wanted to leave it as an open-ended semi-plan. The time that I would leave depended on what time my younger sister would get up for the day anyway. In the end (or what I thought was the end anyway), we agreed that if I wanted to head out before they got back, I would take my daughters with me, but if not, then my daughters could stay home with them. After we made that agreement, she still asked me a few times if that’s what I wanted. And this is what IRKS me. I can’t stand that she can’t just LEAVE THINGS BE. She has to ask and ask and ask and ask and fucking ASK a thousand times after coming to a conclusion!!! It’s like, a conclusion is just that: a CONCLUSION!!!!! This morning she asked me AGAIN if I wanted her to take the girls. I couldn’t even look at her. I had my back to her anyway, so I replied in that position and said, “Nope, it’s all good, nothing’s changed since yesterday.” I tried to say it as friendly a manner as possible, but she probably picked up on my tense stature. And you know what? Believe it or not, she asked me AGAIN about half an hour later. This time it was ME who looked at her like, “Are you alright in the head?” as I said, “I.... no.... we...... we said we’d wait till my younger sister gets up.” She gave me this broad let’s-all-be-happy smile and said, “Okay, that’s fine.”

This situation right here....... I’ve had ten years of this. TEN YEARS. And I’ve never known how to handle it, so I’ve gone along with whatever the plans are, because I’m pretty fucking easygoing. But it’s backfired, because when I DO make a firm decision, she asks and asks and asks and asks and asks over and over and over and over again about it. And you know what? All this time, when she’s asked and asked and asked… I’ve ended up giving in.

But that’s not happening anymore. I will dig my heels in, even if it is ten years too late. You know why? Because I MATTER. And my decisions MATTER.

And I will be ME. Because I MATTER. And who I am in this world MATTERS.

And I see that perhaps THIS is the very reason that my sister-in-law came across as such a bitch when she first joined our family. Because she made SURE that she

MATTERED.

Last updated October 01, 2014