Just leave me in 2023

I feel like I’m on the losing end of a tug-o-war .. the rope taut over a yawning chasm of nothingness. Just let me go.

For someone who will never have the gonads to end it all herself, I think about it a lot. Don’t get all weird and panicky about my mental health, that ship sailed a long time ago and is lost somewhere in the Atlantic, but I spend a lot of time going over scenarios in my head.

The only reasons I remain are my children. Period. Seriously.

Yes, they’re mostly grown now at 21, 19, and 18 but that old adage of “doesn’t matter how old you are, you’ll always be my baby” rings true. I couldn’t possibly leave them alone.

It was always the 4 of us, for so long, through everything else .. I couldn’t leave them now.

Who would teach Erik’s future wife how to make his favorite hashbrown casserole for him?

Who would hold Emily’s hand as she labored and brought her future children into the world?

Who would always always always have midnight brownies ready for Dee when we bumped into eachother on sleepless nights?

I can’t fathom the thought of them having a hole in their lives, regardless that I always feel like a failure as a mother, I don’t ever want them to think “gosh, I wish my Mom was here.”

I’ve had that thought a thousand times and my Mom is still alive and can’t be fucked to be there for me so ..

They say you make a million sacrifices for your children as a parent .. putting my feet on the floor every morning is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done for them.

I wish all three of them hated me with such a fury that I wouldn’t care how they felt if I weren’t here ..