On Poop. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I remember grade school through high school, I would poop once a day as soon as I got home from school. It was never planned, nor imperative, nor even anything I thought anything of. Pooping happened seemingly “at random” and didn’t think much of the obvious pattern. I proudly joke that over 13 years, I never pooped in school. Just never needed to? I only began to recall this because Elissa used to get so angry because she would need to poop in school, and couldn’t because there were other people in the bathroom. I get it, but at the same time, everybody poops.

Meanwhile, she likes to fart on me.

Anyway, I’ve been pretty regular lately. Either right when I wake up, or shortly after my first tall glass of water or oatmeal, I’ll poop a poop. Usually is an 8 or better. Oh. I don’t know when, but Elissa and I have gotten into rating our poops. A “10” would be a completely pristine and solid, the kind where you wipe and there’s nothing on your anus. A “1” would be complete liquid. I never really thought about my poops all that much, despite what a strange person I am. She gets poop anxiety, as a 5 or less is usually coupled with other physical side-effects. At best, a bad poop makes me want to eat cleaner. After all, all food is pre-poop.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that my second poop of the day is never as good as the first. Maybe I’m eating more than I used to. No, I’m pretty certain I didn’t eat enough as a teenager. Jesus, the other day, I had three massive poops in the morning. Made me think, “maybe I’ll just eat some oatmeal and fast the rest of the day. I’m so full of shit!”

I remember when I went to CCM, I tried eating small meals every three hours. High protein, high fiber. It was really weird to be pooping in the middle of the day, as I’d gotten so used to just pooping once or twice in the morning and that was it. Every time, small and clean. Like little 9’s.

Who knew I had so much to say about poop. I really was just reflecting how the first poop of the day is always the most pleasant. Why are you reading this? You just wasted a good portion of your day reading about poop. I hope the rest of your day isn’t so poopy. <3