Use of Weekends & Other Ramblings in Whatever Will Be Will Be

Honestly, I wish I could approach this space and just share heaps of joy and happiness; that I could be sitting in a beautiful 3 season room, enjoying Autumn weather, while reading other people’s entries and drinking tea. Or hell, even though it was during a difficult time for me… a truly perfect evening was almost reached a few years ago when Nala was running around the backyard of the old house, me in the All Weather 3 Season Room, sipping sherry and reading SPAWN, allowing the group-text to whitter away without my monitoring or reading. That was a very pleasant time for me, I must admit. Which also suggests something about myself and/or memory and/or existence. I can find the positive through the pain and I can find the pain in the positive. Of course, half of that is good. But of course, I do not come here today with a song in my heart and a joyful melody to share. Though, if I were being “therapy” honest- I suppose my reasons for coming here are equal parts beating myself up and sharing information.

I had such high hopes for the weekend. I didn’t have rehearsal! So, the intent was to accomplish multiple things! But, of course, no.

Friday I did have rehearsal. And brought Nala to Hermia’s so that the pupper could have people, and dog, and cats and not just… waste away alone in a big house. I know she actually loves it, and of course she would. She’s a dog. Sleeping, eating, playing with toys, and being alone isn’t exactly in her DNA. Playing with another dog, being curious about the Not Dog, and being around people is… important to her! After I dropped the pup off and flew to rehearsals… rehearsal was laser focused on the scenes we’re struggling with. I’ll not pretend I’m perfect but I can say confidently that the problems we’re experiencing are rarely due to my own failures. Though, I frequently seem to miss “He has not been vetted by the group and it is just inappropriate to put us in this position.” But so much of those things rely upon the Cue Line being said. And our Jenny, despite being wonderful, has been struggling with some lines. So, if I don’t hear “I just invited him. On impulse. That’s all.” I can’t exactly throw my line in at a random moment. I’m… nervous, I’ll admit. I don’t want my good work UP TO now to suddenly vanish… and as we add Lights, Make Up, Sound, Microphones, Props, and Costumes… there is bound to be struggle. But… for other actors to know and appreciate the work and the skill… and to NOT do that for an audience? Would be a kind of hell for me.

But here’s where things really get off the rails. Before coming back to Hermia’s, I stopped at the store. Got what was on the list, including some items she requested. Then went to hers. And stayed there until after 12:30. And when I got home… I’ve never been the type to go straight from getting home to going to sleep. My Revenge Bedtime Procrastination is so powerful it is practically a super power. So, I didn’t actually get to bed until closer to 2:30 or 3 am. So, by the time I woke up on Saturday… some of the things I’d wanted to do? Closed. But that’s… I mean… why do so many businesses close for the weekend at noon on Saturday? I would have anticipated businesses being open during weekends when people are free to engage in commerce; but then… this is the kind of thing you see in small towns. And despite the area where I am holding a population of over 169,000… all of Iowa is being swallowed by the politics and shortages of small towns. And for those quick to say “169k is a small town!”… it is the fourth largest in the State by population. So… consider this a state of Tiny Towns with Small Towns as their metropolitan bases. But that’s the issue. Even the Metro areas are being required to live and act like smaller towns just because of the people and the problems. SO multiple things I wanted/needed to do became impossible. And will have to be fit in during the week proper unfortunately.

Complicating factors, though, was a bit of information I was given the night before. While at Hermia’s, I was told that there was a Spaghetti Dinner thing that Brad and Nana wanted me to attend. On Saturday. Hermia was good enough to apologize for not telling me earlier as she forgot I wasn’t around for those conversations. Frankly, I can’t be upset about that… it isn’t like she can remember seeing me there so I can appreciate how these things can happen. But that also meant a looming “I have to be available on Saturday at some point” kind of thing which… given such a short notice and compared to my To Do List… certainly caused anxiety. Can’t get involved in anything I couldn’t drop at a moment’s notice if needed. Around 4:07, I texted Hermia asking what time things were going to be. She texted an apology (as I had asked her to send me a text that morning with details and she’d not) and said 4:15, but since she’d forgotten to text me details, she wouldn’t be mad if I was late. SO, throw on clothes and drive to Nana’s house. Brad enjoys cooking (though, with his inability to pay attention to things, I imagine Nana helps considerably) and likes doing “spaghetti things.” Meaning.... his lasagna… was several different kinds of meat and several different kinds of pasta. The primary pasta seemed to be angel hair pasta and spaghetti noodles so, while I said nothing, I was honestly a little offended that they called it Lasagna. I’m not going to be the lexicology police but the definition of Lasagna is “pasta in the form of wide strips” and the dish is considered to consist of layers of lasagna noodles. BUT whatever. Be creative and have fun. Free meal for me, and all that. After that, Hermia came over to mine to spend the night.

HERE IS WHERE I MUST CLARIFY SOMETHING BECAUSE I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
Hermia does/did wants/want to help with my To Do List and getting things taken care of. After all, she knows that I am in rehearsals this week and a part of the “Get Shit Taken Care Of” for me is the Blind-iversary party we’re hosting at mine on Friday night. So she DID offer and DOES want to help. But I’m not accepting the help. For a few reasons.
(1) She’s still very much a guest. I know, we’ve been dating for over six months, stop treating her as a Guest, I appreciate the perspective. But she is a guest. You remember how terribly I felt about Essen even just doing the dishes, let alone cleaning the kitchen… and that was “9 people are using this kitchen, CK can’t be solely responsible for its cleanliness and upkeep”. So when it is typically just me or me and Hermia… she’s a guest and I’ll not feel good about myself if I have a guest clean up after me.
(2) It isn’t so much the “she’s blind so she can’t do it” as it is the “she’s blind and I don’t want to complicate the task or risk her safety.” You see, cleaning the basement involves the potential for some things I know will upset her. And that’s even only just “there are cobwebs and spiders down here.” That isn’t to mention the office box, which tore so there are thumb tacks and paper clips and binder clips randomly on the floor by the boxes.
(3) Our time together lately has been rare and sporadic; so I would much rather use our time together together talking, enjoying our time, relaxing. NOT TO MENTION we did get a lot done for the Blind Party in terms of planning and dealing with Hermia’s planning anxiety. So, while it wasn’t MY to do list… there was some To Do that Got Did.
So… yes. Hermia did offer to help. And I rejected that offer to help. And must accomplish the To Do List tasks on my own during the week.

Which brings me to here and the “beating myself up” portion. I seem to have become abysmal at Weekends. In that, I don’t get the To Do Lists done. I wind up sleeping, being with friends, relaxing. Which- yeah. Humans need to have relaxation in their lives, I shouldn’t beat myself up for taking that time. But… time is a valuable and rare commodity. Take today, for example. I am required to be in the Courthouse for around 10 hours. I have rehearsal for around 3 hours. In between those two things, I have around 1 hour of free time. After rehearsal, every hour I use in pursuit of something else, is 1 hour less of sleep. SO, since I intend to do this… the 1 hour between Work and Rehearsal will be spent
(a) Preparing my Chess Set for travel, as it will be used in the show
(b) trying on pants to make sure my costume pieces fit me
(c) make sure all of my costume pieces are free of damage, stains, stickers, and needles
(d) bag my costume pieces so that they all stay together
(e) eat something so I have enough energy for Rehearsal
Then after rehearsal? Since I need clothes for work and since I need to make sure the Guest Bed is clean for when my parents visit (we haven’t even discussed if they’re staying the night; but always best to be prepared)… but I’ll need to do laundry. At least 2 or 3 loads. And while the laundry is going, I can/should/will be moving boxes to make proper space in the basement for the blind party. And as I said every hour after rehearsal is an hour I’m taking from sleep? That’s at least 3 to 4 hours (if not more).

SO… while this lifestyle surely justifies “using the weekends to rest, relax, let your body heal”… it also establishes the loop where such weekends are needed. If I had, for example, taken care of the costumes and laundry during the weekend- I could use the hour In Between to eat, review my script, do some dishes. If I had, for example, done the laundry and moved all of the boxes in the basement during the weekend- I could stay up for an hour or two watching TV or playing video games and just go to sleep.

So that’s where I am. And why I write this as a somewhat self-flagellating piece. Because this is becoming too common for my weekends. And when I actually have SHOWS here in 11 days… my weekend use will be even less energetic and successful. It is one of many habits I need to address and repair. But much like my house, I am starting to fear… I am not able to repair as fast as it is failing. But we’ll see.

The other thing that’s been on my mind lately involves memory, emotion, and the past. Now I’ll admit, I am somewhat responsible for my own thought processes here. Because my memory is what it is, I do read old entries from time to time. And I think back on people like Aoife and Essen… people with whom I had a rare emotional, mental, and physical connection. And I miss it to some degree. Which feels especially bizarre as I am in a serious relationship right now. But then I also consider the surrounding elements and I still feel some hurt, some pain, some anger regarding how things went with those people. And then my thoughts turn to Nancy and… I think I need to re-read some more things specifically about that time. Because while I recall vividly the good and the bad with Essen… while I feel strongly regarding the good and the bad with Aoife… with Nancy the emotions, the memories are more… Comfort of Status Quo versus Emptiness. It doesn’t register as pain or upset. It is merely… “This is a person who was in my life that I cared about very much. And then she left and I don’t care anymore.” And that… is just a strange feeling for me. Especially with the backdrop of the others.
Aoife was a long time friend with an incredible sexual energy… but a complete emotional wreck.
Essen was startlingly close to exactly what I want/wanted… but the Acceptance/Rejection part was incredibly off and hurtful.
I knew Nancy longer than I knew either of the other two combined. Nancy was someone with whom I was building a life. It just… it seems odd to not have more pain or anger about it.
And then I consider Hermia. And our entire dynamic is… different. The way our relationship is… isn’t anything like Aoife, or Essen, or Nancy. Which both comforts and distresses me.
I admit… there are parts of the relationship with Aoife, Essen, and Nancy that I do miss. I would love to share media with Hermia the way Nancy and I shared media. I would love if I felt the connection with Hermia the way I felt with Essen. I would love the relationship building with Hermia the way it was with Aoife. BUT ALL THE SAME… it is good that what we’ve got is unique… its own thing. Just because it is different doesn’t make it worse or in any way inferior.

Just… a bit biographically curious.