Last day of break. in Since OD is shutting down....

I ended up getting some extra money that I definitely did not expect so we went and did breakfast. My daughter’s been asking to get adjusted so we went and did that as well. I stopped and got toilet paper and paper towels so I won’t have to worry about that for awhile. Today I’ve just been cleaning up the house and I have clothes in the dryer. I want to get everything done so I can just relax after I get her off to school in the morning. This break has gone fast yet again. We only saw my niece on Friday. I’ve asked my brother just about everyday but she had stayed at a friends house a couple of nights and I don’t think we’ll see her today either.

Tomorrow is work and then my CPR class. I’m just hoping I’ll have enough time to stop and get something to eat on the way over there. I got a text earlier asking me to go help with a water line that broke but I don’t have a sitter. A lot of people didn’t respond, probably because everyone is just trying to enjoy their last day before we work again tomorrow.

I don’t get paid until next week but I have a little bit of money to hopefully last until then. I need to buy cat food and cat litter in the next couple of days. I might just get a little bag of cat food to last until payday. I’m still really sick of how expensive everything is.

There’s been a lot of reels on Facebook and Tik Tok videos about keeping things to yourself. I completely agree. I’m not a super private person but I’ve also learned about telling people things too. I remember a couple of months ago talking about CS and him going to court where my friend had said something about how the state was paying for my child. I know that she meant they should care more because their having to pitch in on things but it definitely made me realize that it’s probably best to keep more to myself. Since then, I’m definitely not as open anymore. She’s asked a couple of times about my pay and I just avoid the question.

I’ve also been more careful about talking about TANF too. No one knows that they still help out with some stuff simply because it’s no one’s business. Ain’t nobody out here helping me whatsoever so if I do get help, they shouldn’t care but I know people would still have something to say. If my child’s other parent was left to raise her by himself and I didn’t help physically or financially, I wouldn’t blame him one bit for getting help. Again, I would just love to understand where no one thinks that he should have to help and has had the fucking nerve to make snarky comments when I’ve had some help!

There’s only so much you can do as one parent. I’ve never had the emotional support I’ve needed nor have I ever had childcare to get a real job until now so I’m doing the best I can. It’s also bullshit that I have a work thing to do tomorrow night where I know to not even fucking ask him to watch her. We all know exactly how that would go. He wouldn’t watch her anyway and would just sit and tear me down until I blocked him again. I would just be blamed for his absence and be called every name under the sun.

I’ve created my own peace and I won’t let anyone take that from me. I’ve been through the ringer and I can see where I played a part in my own suffering. It took me way too long to accept that he’s never going to parent, he’ll never be a co-parent and he’s got a lot of his own issues that prevents him from ever changing so now that I am on good terms with all of this, I won’t waste any more time.

Everyone has made me feel like they’ve enjoyed contributing to my struggle. I don’t think anyone has ever considered the fact that if I’m on the struggle bus, so is my kid. I don’t know how many times I asked my Mom to babysit so I could attend crucial appointments or even start a new job, not to mention job interviews where she either told me she didn’t feel like it or agreed to babysit and then didn’t show up. I’m sure that my Dad played his part in making sure she didn’t help but she still chose to leave me high and dry too.

It’s like with me working now, I don’t feel anyone is super supportive because they liked that I was stuck. People have enjoyed seeing my downfall and not caring what this has done to me mentally or emotionally. I have still maintained a really good credit score, kept bills paid in full, never had an issue with drugs or alcohol and I’ve never gotten much support. My daughter is the beautiful, smart kid she is because of me, no one else.

I was born to work. I enjoy working and being productive. I like making my own money. I’m at a job now where I don’t want to be there forever but it’s better than not working at all or finding a job where I would have to rely on people that aren’t reliable. I have a lot of residual resentment for how much help I gave my parents my whole life where they emptied my bank account a million times and then I have a kid where it’s not even a thought to help me or if my Mom did, it came with emotional and financial strain.

Sometimes I think about when my Mom did help out for that year and a half and what that was like. I had never seen such a mindfuck in my life. She never helped without getting paid. I also paid more than what was even fair and it still wasn’t enough. I’ve helped them with thousands of dollars, even since I moved out 17 years ago but because my Dad told her I was just out to use her, I had to make sure she was paid and paid very well. I made money and most of it went to her for gas, cigarettes, and groceries where I had nothing left for my daughter or myself and after so long, I realized that having her babysit wasn’t getting me anywhere.

I was raised to be codependent, submissive, and never have boundaries. I didn’t grow up with role models. I grew up watching people that I didn’t want to be like and situations I never wanted to be in. That’s why my BD never moved in. I wasn’t going to let myself be more financially abused than I already am. I didn’t want my daughter growing up watching her Dad sit on the couch like I did. I chose a different path. I knew when I was pregnant that it was going to be hard but it would’ve been way harder having him here knowing that I would still be on my own. Even when he’d come to play house for a couple of days when my daughter was little, he didn’t nothing to help. I couldn’t imagine him moving in where I would think things would be any different.

My daughter is now in the bath. She’s been asking to see my niece for days now but it’s just not happening. I feel bad because she’s mentioned she’s tired of being alone. I reminded her that she has school tomorrow and will have kids to play with. Again, I just wish there was more kids for her to hang out with outside of school.

We’re now settled in for the night. I’m sad that our break is over. It’s still going to be cold and that sucks. I feel so less motivated when it’s dark and cold.