Being down fucking sucks in Adventures in paradise
- Sept. 21, 2014, 3:47 p.m.
- |
- Public
It’s 7:30am. I’m still not asleep. I guess it doesn’t help I have foulmouthed tradies on the street directly outside my bedroom window. If I were asleep already, I doubt I’d even notice them, as I sleep like a log. But I’m not.
I don’t know what the hell they are doing. I keep hearing glass bottles clashing together or rolling against the bitumen.
Such typical Aussie Ocker voices also. I can almost picture the King Gees and flannelette shirts even though my blinds are drawn shut.
But I’m awake because I have stupid depression shit on my mind, again.
For a while there, the negative thoughts kept accumulating. I’d think one bad thing about myself and try to ‘better’ it by thinking something worse.
I shut my eyes for a while in the hope sleep would take me and distract me away from my thoughts.
I mean, it usually works. I barely ever have depressive dreams. My subconscious is as vivid as ever.
However, real life - not so much.
Something needs to happen. To change. Beats me how or when but I feel after living here for such a long time, that’s probably the cause of my depression. Tthoughtsmates are the strangest combination they’ve ever been, with only one of us a day shifter and the rest of us working nights.
And I don’t have much going for me :(
That was the accumulation depression thoughts. It started with that sentence.
Part-time work, same house renting for 7 years, no car, few friends, no real social life cos of working every single weekend night, haven’t had a boyfriend in years, money, not feeling good enough… I could go on.
Now my phone is being a bitch and not letting me write this properly. Ergh, nothing’s going right lately.
And most of my friends probably don’t even realise how down I feel a lot of the time. It’s not like I want to tell them.
Complacency just doesn’t feel like me, I guess.
I’m confused, down in the dumps, and probably overtired right now.
Fucking tradies. All I hear is trucks revving and comments about women.
Juuuust what I wanna hear…
Ditch Witch ⋅ September 21, 2014
I hope you find a different path that makes you happy..you deserve it
~Octopussy~ ⋅ September 21, 2014
I suppose we all have to find that breaking point which brings us the will to change. Reinventing your life is stressful and probably will lead you to further depression in the short-term, but doing nothing means maintaining this depressing state for a much more sustained period of time. Part of me thinks that you like your life as it is, or at least you did, why else would you have spent so long in the same place living the same kind of lifestyle?