bitter in --

I am feeling very bitter today, about a variety of things.

I know you are all sick of hearing about how my son doesn’t talk. Normally I don’t really think about it, but for the past few days there have been some things in my Reddit mom group on Facebook that have made me feel bad. Last week a bunch of people posted videos of their two-year-olds because someone wanted to know what a ‘normal” two-year-old was like, since she doesn’t feel like hers is.
They all talked, had conversations with their parents like they were… small children. Mine doesn’t really do any of these things. He doesn’t talk, and he interacts with me but I can’t have conversations with him. They acted more preschool-like than two-year-old like, but I am not sure if that’s normal or if my kid is really behind now. God, I feel like such a shitty fucking parent.

On one thread, me and a few other women were talking about how some of the other moms don’t realize how their comments can come across as insulting, and one of the moms reiterated that her daughter was more advanced than a lot of other kids and that the video reflected that… IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CONVERSATION and it just made us feel worse, probably.

Yesterday and today Cannon said “cheese” when I asked him to say “cheese” when I was taking his picture. But next week he won’t do it because he never keeps words for very long. All of the words he learns he forgets quickly. It’s really frustrating. He mostly just babbles.

I just keep being told to be patient and blah blah. Well I’m fucking DONE with being patient. I guess I have no choice, but I just feel so defeated. I just feel so helpless. Like nothing I do will help him.

I don’t know.

I’m also having a really hard time today. I didn’t get to work out or do much of anything else today. I am feeling stressed because I have a ton of phone calls to make, and I still haven’t been to the dentist or the doctor. My back problems are getting worse.

I am 24 fucking years old, and most days I have back pain that makes it hard to really run or do some things.

I also get these feelings of time to time of being dissatisfied. I can keep it at bay for awhile and then it always just comes back.
Today is one of those days.
I don’t get any satisfaction from cleaning and taking care of children like some people do. I just find it mind-numbing. I love my children so very much, I really do. It’s just hard for me.

I have had to sacrifice so much and I just never got over it.
I have had to sacrifice my education and my body, and my youth.
I feel like I am at a point in my life where I just want to focus on me, but since the age of 22 I have had to put myself and my wants aside. It sucks. I honestly hate it. I wish I wasn’t such a selfish person, but I guess I am.

I hate my body, and I hate my appearance. I don’t look like myself, and I don’t feel like myself.

I want to focus all of my energy on school because I LOVE school and I hate doing online classes. This is not what I imagined my college years to be like, and it’s not what I want them to be like. I wanted to be more involved, and I wanted to spend more time in classrooms than on my computer. I wanted to make friends.

I just need a break. I need real friends. I need… I don’t know what I need anymore. It all just feels like an excuse. It all just feels like a temporary bandaid.

I wish I could just push this part of my life to a later date… I love my kids and I don’t regret having kids, I just wish I would have been older first, and more stable.

There are a ton of houses for sale around here, and I regret not finishing school sooner.

Last updated September 26, 2014