Today, I texted my younger aunt to ask if my grandmother was doing okay.
She had to inform (because she thought my mom did) that my grandmother passed away at the end of the month.
Of course, I was devastated. I was hurt. I felt betrayed.
I thought I had more time with my grandmother. After I got all my moving and organizing taken care of, I was going down to WR and see her.
Now, it is a little too late. I am a day late and a dollar short as they say.
I wanted to talk to my grandmother. Take her places. I wanted her to see my face one last time.
Looking back on it, she was a good grandmother. She was a good mother. If it was not for her, it would not be me. Or any of us in the maternal line.
She did the best she could with what she had. My grandfather was abusive, but he also was autistic and didn’t even know it. A lot of his alcoholism stemmed from not knowing what kind of social/metal disability he had. She took a brunt of that abuse. I am not condoning it. It is not acceptable, but now, I understand where it comes from.
She had six kids. I come from one of those six: Janice. I was born Sophia.
My grandma once told me that I was her favorite grandchild when I was a kid. I called her on why she was being mean to me. And she said that she wasn’t being mean to me…that she loved me…and I was her favorite grandkid.
I remember that time when we had to stay over at my grandma’s in college…when my mom had no home to go to. My grandmother and I got into it about The Bible…and I questioned her about free will…and she snapped back…and you know I shut up then because I didn’t want her to deck me.
Reflecting on it, my grandmother taught me a lot of lessons. She wanted me to do right by myself. I could feel she was proud of me. She said I was smart, and she missed me…and asked me when I was coming to visit so she could see me.
Grandma, I am so sorry that I let you down, and I didn’t come through. Yet, I feel your love now, and I know you wouldn’t want me to feel guilty about it. You would want me to move forward with my life and make you proud in others ways. I will put forth my best effort. I promise. I will put in effort to do right by myself.
If you taught me anything, treat others as I would treat myself. I carry that forth with me.
I miss you and Darryl so much.
Keep an eye out on me, will you? Make sure I get to over a 100? I would really appreciate it.
Love,
S
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