dental dr. inventory in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

yeah so like I put in my last entry last..........um thurs. I had a dental and dr.’s. the dental was at 1 which was weird. I’ve always had them in the mornings.

so I spiked out at the dentist. cause of ptsd. they don’t know why but they knew I did. I was also cold which didn’t help. it was cold that day in the 60’ss.

the dr.’s went well. it was at 4 which was v. weird. I’ve always had those in the mornings too and also I don’t like having things after 3. it feels weird. that’s when my day ends ya know? and a lot of times that’s the school day. or. well 9 a.m. is when the day officially begins and 3 p.m. is when it ends. for me. yeah they did my heart blood pressure weight. temp. the lady’s like ‘well it’s really up to you what you want done at your physical’ which I didn’t know. the state requires one apparently but I thought they were going to require certain things to be done as part of it. they don’t require my blood to be taken which yes I knew I just wanted an excuse/permission to not eat after midnight. yeah I do that sometimes misread people completely on purpose. idk maybe that’s weird.

so then after that Stephanie and I went to noodles & co. and got dinner. so it was a long day.

yeah so then on. ........ mon. the 15th there was the meeting. w/ amber and Hannah and Jessica. stephanie’s the one who asked about my taking access a ride more and I wanted to be the one to asks. I don’t like things being done for me most of the time. ok i’m not 2. not that I’ll tell Stephanie that as I won’t. and everyone’s like ‘well we don’t think you should take it to the store by yourself until you become more responsible’. ok so.......i’m still not allowed to go anywhere by myself. other than to my mom’s. on the buss. so then i’ll just get more depressed. they say one of the best ways to help depression is to go out. yeah well the fact i’m not allowed to right now isn’t helping. which of course knowing me I won’t tell them. not that I have a problem w/ stephanie driving me to the store but she’s busy during the day so by the time my day starts which is late afternoon hers is ending and i’m usually not up on time. er like if she were to take me at 11 a.m. to the store I wouldn’t be up. i’m a lot more likely to be up for the buss. than for her. not cause. like i’m angry w/ her or anything [annoyed but not angry. which has nothing to do w/ the bus] or out of spite or anything. but bc the bus has like. 20 people to pick up per day for instance. and for me i’d be the only one who she’d take to the store. so though she might be busy there are. less people to take places. I know how to adjust my sleep schedule which means I clearly don’t want help w/ that. but I might not adjust it.

it’s like they’re saying they don’t trust me enough to be responsible when I go out. a: that’s probably the paranoia talking and 2: it might not be true but until they prove otherwise that’s what i’m going to believe. but obviously they trust me enough to go out when i’m at my mom’s [well the main reason i’m out so much when i’m at my mom’s is cause I don’t like being there during the day]. either that or they don’t have that much control over it. its not like i’m sitting in the library shooting up heroin. or shooting up heroin in public. i’m not even drinking in public. [no bc that’s illegal. as is doing hard drugs A and 2: being an alcoholic if I did that and drank like. more than 4 drinks at a bar then for me that’d be overdoing it. of course I have something to hide. my alcoholism. if I didn’t have something to hide then I, ya know. wouldn’t]. I don’t know how else to further explain this or maybe its clear enough. and it’s also like they’re saying they um. don’t trust me enough to come up w/ a plan for what to do if something happens. I know what to do. see if they knew/know i’m an alcoholic and hypothetically if I was a: allowed out and 2: every time I went out I had more than 4 drinks at a bar and they knew about that then yeah. that’d give them more of a reason to not trust me. [btw I’ve never shot up].

well if i’m being honest. like completely honest here. I get why they don’t trust me as much as they should. but they’re not. not trusting me either. it’s cause of the whole evan thing. they all think he’s ‘dangerous’ and he’s going to hurt me. he has emotionally but never physically and when he has I’ve been the one who’s handled it. not them. no one else but me. they’ve never even given him a chance and that’s what bothers me. they’ve never gotten to know him. and yeah maybe it’s not their place to and in fact it probably isn’t. but it still bothers me. i’m more afraid of my ex than I am of evan cause I actually have a reason to be. cause my ex was the one who actually threatened me. which is why I haven’t contacted my ex in over a yr. they don’t see evan for who he is. I do. and the reason they don’t is cause they’ve never given themselves a chance to much less given him one. I know - well i’m pretty sure - there’s a way to handle this. but in the event I bring it up i’d have to do it very very carefully.and I don’t know that id be able to. or that I want to. just so he or I don’t/doesn’t have. er rather so we don’t have more stacks against us. -

ssorry went off on a tangent there.

um but yeah. that happened.