Commuting sucks big floppy donkey dick. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

It took four hours last night to do one homework assignment. The usual anxiety leading up to it, but once I got started I just powered through. I was after 11 by the time I got home. I was already anxious about getting up in the morning. Having a 10 am class the next day (this morning) sounds nice, but means I need to get up at 6 am to ensure I get parking.

Anxiety got the best of me and I didn’t get to bed until 3 AM.

I heard my alarm go off, but I physically couldn’t get out of bed. No, seriously. It wasn’t a willpower thing. I just physically could NOT move a muscle. Maybe sleep paralysis, whatever. Woke up at 8 AM and somehow in the span of 20 minutes managed to eat, quick shower, get dressed, and get the door. (Yeah, ate oatmeal naked to save time.)

Rush hour traffic was bad. The parking deck was full. I couldn’t even risk parking illegally in the basement ramp, as there were two people literally ticketing cars. I had to head to a lot in the middle of freaking nowhere. It’s so remote the college offers a bus to ferry you to campus. It’s about a 20 minute sweaty walk, which is somehow slightly longer than just taking the bus.

All in all, it took about two hours to get to class, and by the time I did, the quiz had already begun. I was ready to flip out and scream, though I’d promised myself not to scream AT the professor, as she’s kind of nice and awesome. She said simply that this would count as my dropped quiz. It took at LEAST a half hour for me to stop shaking from anxiety and shit.

Fuck college, man. These people that can just do things without dreading them or simply going to bed when they decide, FUCK YOU.

It’s an aggravating cycle. If I’m actually in a good mood, I tend to AVOID my stressors, out of fear of feeling like shit. Which causes shit to catch up with me. Only once I kind of feel like shit do I actually make myself do shit, usually up against some no-more-opportunity deadline. Somehow, having one day to do something, one opportunity, is less stressful than a week or two. Spending a week “on something” SOUNDS immensely stressful. I keep saying I’ll break shit up into pieces, yet whenever I do, I feel like I spend additional time trying to figure out what the hell I was doing the previous time. Doing things in one shot is “easier”, even though I end up dreading the fact that shit is going to take, as per last night, four hours at times.

Bluntly, it doesn’t matter if I ‘fix’ this. All that matters is that I fucking finish.

College should have some small place for students to crash for a few hours or a night. No, not a dorm. Not somewhere you ‘live’. Some smaller place, like a traincar room, with just a small bunk to sleep temporarily. Sleeping the night without commuting would have saved me stress and three hours of my life. I could have easily hit the gym at 6 AM and showered, and otherwise not feel so stressed for time.

Sigh, if I could do it all over again, things would have been different. Alas, I can’t just take random science and philosophy classes “for fun”. That’s not “a career”. I look forward to when I’m a senior and I can get a credit discount. With my luck, I’ll get my shitty piece of paper saying I endured this shit, and then not even use it.