Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

I haven’t written since Monday. I’ve been pretty busy with work and getting used to not drinking soda. I miss it because it was easier just to grab one out of the fridge than putting water packets in water and mixing it. I’m tired at the end of the night and honestly I hate taking the extra time to do it but it’s been really nice taking normal poops and not having a severe case of heartburn everyday.

Work has been going pretty good. I’m getting more and more comfortable everyday that I’m there. Definitely breaking out of my shell. There’s like 4 teenage girls I work with that weren’t very friendly or communicative and I said something to the boss. She made sure to tell them that we need to have an open line of communication so they’ve been better. It’s definitely nice knowing my daughter is there and not have to worry about childcare.

I like my job and plan to stay until through the Summer but I do want to set my sights higher at some point too. I don’t make a lot of money and it’s very part time so there’s not much chance to make much but it’s a job for now. It’s not a hard job by any means and I like that I can sit down pretty much whenever I want. There’s another new girl too and I like not being the only new person. I’ve definitely talked to her more than the teenage girls. She has some physical issues too and walks with a cane.

We went and did breakfast and got some stuff at the store. I needed toilet paper and paper towels. I wanted to buy both in bulk and not have to worry about it for awhile but I don’t have money to do that right now. I got my daughter some ice cream, a new outfit and her sparkling juice because she had it over New Years and wanted it again. I want to start buying her clothes because she needs more pants. I want to get her a new pair of shoes next week when I get paid too.

I’ve been thinking about my friend. The one that I went and saw a few times and how he made things miserable. I still think he’s hoping I’m going to move there and put up with his shit. He got us fruit snacks and cheese at random the other night. He’s not the type to ever do things just to be nice, I know it’s to help me make the decision to move there. I don’t think he quite understands how shitty he’s been towards me and I’m still traumatized. I’m also annoyed at how much he’s gotten to live for free for several years and still charge rent for the people who have lived with him. He’s very oppurtunistic and scandalous. I remember how he’d have people on his cell phone plan to overcharge them to help cover his bill while he had access to their phone records. Or put people on his bank account so he could monitor their spending.

He can be a really good person when he wants to be but he’s also very motive driven and preys on people who are either desperate or laid back because then there’s less chance of them calling him out. I find it disgusting that he gets almost all of the benefits of a single Mom when he barely even sees his children. His Mom was texting me the other day saying that his unemployment is running out and he didn’t seem super concerned about getting another job. He also got rent paid for a couple of months and was still charging his brother and his Mom for rent because he decided that he wanted to focus more on paying for Christmas even though he got gifts for his kids for free.

I just can’t deal with the amount of deceit he’s capable of. I don’t like the shit he pulls on everyone and he’s able to work and just get his own place where he wouldn’t have to worry about other people helping with bills but he chooses to keep finding people to move in where he has to be reliant on them paying rent. I’ve told him that even when people work, there’s not much of a chance that they are going to contribute where they are supposed to. He knew that I meant him because he lived off me for 6 months and made more money than I did!

I remember him living off me and always telling me that I was co-dependent and lazy! Um, I’d been telling him for months to get the fuck out. I was sick of paying for everything and constantly cleaning up after him. It’s also funny that I wasn’t ‘co-dependent’ until I wanted him to leave. He bought groceries one time and never cleaned, even his own shit. I was so fucking sick of working 12 hours a day and cleaning before work and after because he wouldn’t lift a finger to even take out the garbage. The shit was sitting all over the kitchen floor and there was flies buzzing around. I told him I wasn’t raised this way and I’m not going to live like this.

He’s definitely a fine example of someone to stay away from. I’ll talk to him on the phone, but I have no plans to ever go there again unless we are going to stay somewhere else and he’s not the main point of the visit. Every time we’ve been there, all he does is control me, make big deals out of the dumbest shit and hold me hostage. I refuse to deal with it anymore. I’m controlled enough as a single Mom that’s low income, I don’t need anyone making me feel more restricted than I already am.

So, my caseworker called me on Thursday and told me that now that I’m in ‘Follow-along” that I’ll be getting little random chunks of money every once in a while. I got $50 and I’ll get another $75 here probably in a couple of days. I’ve done already spent the $50 so I’m just waiting for the other $75 to hit my account. I need to get quarters for laundry and I’m going to get help with gas next week. I’m definitely grateful for the TANF program and I think they really do everything they can for you to get and keep a job. I wish I would have known that there was still going to be this help once I gotten a job. I think they should tell everyone that you’ll still get supportive services once your employed because maybe it would light a fire under people to get jobs.

I think TANF is a great program but I would tell people to not sign up for it unless you plan to get a job. I remember being there at the end of November and there was a chick saying how she wasn’t going to worry about getting a job until at least January. Well, why not be looking now and at least setting up interviews and then if you got hired, just tell them that you can’t start until after Christmas break? I just think the longer you put off getting a job, the less likely you’ll ever work! I get that I don’t know everyone’s situations and what barriers they have but I find it gross how so many of them want to stay stuck. You don’t get a lot of money on TANF and it’s not enough that’s actually going to help you. It’s crazy that some of them don’t have a driver’s license and have to take the bus. I couldn’t imagine getting my kid’s to daycare/school and then taking the bus to go sit there all day long.

For me, I couldn’t handle the fucking boredom anymore. That alone was my motivation to get the fuck out of there. I would just sit there on a computer and look at Indeed everyday. I had gotten everything else done so that’s pretty much all that was left for me to do. I just couldn’t imagine planning to be there for a long time. It’s like so many of them don’t have cars. Well, your TANF check isn’t counted as income so no one is going to lease you a car and even if you tried to save money, it would take you forever to buy a car outright.

I just think the longer you are on TANF, the more you are screwing yourself. I would rather work, be busy, make my own money, and be able to get a nice tax check at the end of the year. I’m already upset that I can’t do taxes until next time but at least I’m starting somewhere. I’ll have a paycheck in the mean time. I don’t make a lot of money but for now, we’re okay and it’s a stepping stone into a better job down the road.

TANF is a really great program but in my opinion I think they make it way too easy for people to stay on it. I think after you are there 4-5 months, you need to be reevaluated and find out exactly why you aren’t working. I get that mentally you get so far down and it’s hard to climb out but I found myself becoming more defeated the longer I was there. It’s like when I couldn’t even get hired at a fast food place because my availability was so limited and I started to think okay well maybe I’m just meant to not work for now. I kept trying though.

I think it’s good that the check you get doesn’t have to be reported so it’s not affecting your other benefits but you can’t stay on it forever. I think it ‘just depends on your mindset if you are going to get a job or not. I utilized it by getting tires on my car that I desperately needed and my laptop and then I get myself a job. I think it’s good to get all the help you can but use it the right way. Not just plan to sit and drain the damn system. I remember when I was there the first time and I heard a caseworker telling a TANF Mom how she didn’t want her to get a job. That’s unprofessional as fuck! You can’t just encourage someone to stay because they make your days better!

So from what I know, you get a grant. I was only able to get $750 for car repairs but used like $1,100. I won’t be able to get help with clothes again because I’m over budget with that too. I did tell her that my job won’t run all Summer long and she said for me to reapply but it might not help depending on how my paychecks line up and I might still get too much.

I’ve since taken a shower. I bought new shampoo at the store and it smells incredible. I’m hoping to get my daughter down for a nap at some point because she’s going with her big sister tomorrow to get her nails done. She’s been wanting to for so long and now they’re going so I’m happy for her. I’m probably going to make pizza for dinner.

I’m glad that it’s sunny and about 40 today. I’m happy to not wear makeup and I plan to spend the day in sweatpants. It’s nice to have days off. I still think about my previous job and wish I was able to go back. I wouldn’t go back to the same employer but another place just like it. I want to do that again one day. I like the job I’m at now though where you never have to be in a hurry and it’s pretty laid back. It’s definitely not hard at all. I’m so happy to be working and making money. I like being productive and having stuff to do. It definitely makes me feel better about myself.

I did send an email to my caseworker about child support. Never heard back but maybe she’s just busy. I’m sure I’ll hear from her in the next few days. I had asked if there’s another court date and what’s going to happen if it’s discovered that he lied about employment and there’s still no payments being made. I wonder if they will get him for contempt. There’s been a wage withholding since the 22nd so maybe she’s waiting to hear back from the employer before she responds.

I did ask for her opinion and if she thought he was ever going to have to pay. I don’t see them putting him in court and nothing coming from it but I also wonder if it’s just a scare tactic to get him to pay but they don’t plan to ever put him in jail or work release. It would be interesting to see how long he’s gonna go without paying and not getting locked up. I’m just sick of everyone being so quick to say that he’s not going to pay. Tired of the negativity. Just be glad that this is not YOUR SITUATION! I don’t feel that I’m being unrealistic hoping that things change at least to the extent that he’s going to be held responsible financially! I gave up on him ever being a Dad but he needs to take care of his child somehow!

Another thing. I think that since people don’t want to hear about him or how hard it is for me to be a single parent, I’m not having another conversation about him. He’s done nothing but victimize being a deadbeat and we need to let it be at that. According to him, he’s not ‘allowed’ to be a parent and has never gotten a fair to chance to be in her life so let’s leave it at that. I will vent here about things and will be blocking everyone who wants to attempt bringing me down. This is my story and I’m allowed to feel whatever I choose.

He’s always said how he doesn’t want men around her but has brought some random bitch to bring him to pick her up and spend days at her house. Complete double standard. I also don’t appreciate how he’s only ever wanted her when it’s going to make him look good. I’m tired of feeling that my child has been used. It’s also ridiculous how he’s moved away twice and has never considered having a child being affected and hasn’t been a Dad her whole life living in the same town as us. He’s done EVERYTHING in his power to make my life as hard as he could but I’m to sweep that under the rug and let him take her when it’s suitable for him.

I don’t appreciate how my brother has always shut me down when I’ve tried to talk about him but brings him up just to make me upset. I seriously feel that people have thrived off my anger and frustration so the next time my brother things he’s going to talk about him, I’m going to shut him down real quick. I also get tired of hearing about the amount he’s supposed to pay when that’s irrelevant since he’s paid nothing for 6 months.

There’s a lot I’ve let go of and there’s always going to be plenty. I’ve accepted a lot over the years such as he’s not a co-parent, he’s not even a constant in her life and he won’t help financially. I think it’s time to just not care anymore. I also don’t actively keep him from her, I just don’t actively try for him to be involved. I put in just as much effort as he does. It’s not my job to chase him around. If he wanted to be in her life, he would be without encouragement.

We bought some dry erase markers and my daughter has some dry erase boards so she’s been having fun with that. I’m trying to decide when I want to get laundry done. I want to wash the bedding and one of her coats.