Monday!! in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve been sick the past few days because I quit taking my diabetic medication. The side affects are absolutely awful. I didn’t think to Google it before I stopped taking it and I was super sick, my poop was watery and I was really dizzy and just overall didn’t feel good. We slept a lot on Saturday and then went to my brother’s last night for New Years. I didn’t want to go and then ended up being there until midnight.

My brother got my Mom to babysit the kids Friday night so we could go out for awhile. It was nice but I knew I didn’t feel well. I was seriously scared that I was going to shit myself. Like it was fucking awful.

I have since taken a smaller dose and now I’m dealing with my anal tear trying to flare up. I work tomorrow so hopefully I’ll be okay by then. We did breakfast this morning, took my brother a sandwich and then got stuff at the store. I needed cat food, cat litter, and laundry soap. I have everything in the dryer and I’ve just been running around cleaning. My house got pretty disorganized being sick and not being able to keep up on everything.

I have since tapered off drinking soda and coffee because it’s causing serious indigestion. I’m literally raspy and it’s driving me crazy. I had coffee this morning for the first time in about 3 days and didn’t buy soda at the store. We’ve been drinking water with flavor enhancers and I want to keep doing that. I also like to buy cartridges for the Cirkul bottle. I’m really hoping by changing some habits it’s going to help with the indigestion and my raspy voice. So far, it seems to be helping.

My brother is still adamant that there’s Christmas presents. He really messaged him about it Friday night and asked where he wrote back and said, “I’ll let you know” and it’s like okay well Christmas was a fucking week ago. It must be nice to pick and choose when you plan to give her anything!! My brother says that I’m waiting for a unicorn and I’m like no motherfucker you are! I accepted this shit years ago and you haven’t! I also said last night it would be really great if he were to start paying CS and he says how it’s never going to happen! Well no kidding. All I’m saying is that it would be nice!

Thankfully, the holidays end tonight and then I’ll get mail tomorrow. I’m still waiting on my rent amount. I never did get my payment from TANF so we’re going to have no money until I get paid again which won’t be until the 10th and it’s only going to be for 4 days. I’m honestly more stressed now having a job than before.

It’s just crazy to me how getting a job ends up where they cut off benefits or lessen them. I’m hoping I’ll still get medicaid. I think I will because I won’t make much money. I was really hoping to get one last payment to help replace what I’ve spent on that car repair but that’s not going to happen. I’ll check my account again tomorrow but I doubt they’re going to put money in, even though I was told I’d get another payment. It’s such bullshit that you get a job and all this shit happens.

I’m definitely feeling better but my butt is giving me issues. Like it just sucks that if I don’t take that medication, I go through terrible withdrawls but if I take it, then I have to deal with constipation and my butt on fire.

The house is much cleaner and organized than before. I’ve since gotten laundry done and put away. My daughter’s room is still not like it should be but I’m going to leave it until she’s at school.

It’s just stressful to have a job and have to worry about health issues. It’s probably good that I work super part time. I’m hoping I’ll be okay by tomorrow. I’m going to start eating more oatmeal and raisin bran. I have to have more fiber in my diet. I think cutting out soda and coffee would be a really good start with things.

I’m getting older and have to start making better choices. I don’t want to be overweight and unhealthy anymore. We all find unhealthy coping mechanisms but I can’t let these things rule my life anymore.

As crazy as it sounds, I really would like for him to start paying. I’m honestly sick of being left holding the bag. It’s insane that my whole life is affected by someone I don’t have anything to do with. It’s like everyone wants me to just roll over and accept all this without ever getting depressed, overwhelmed, or angry. I’ve gotten $500 in the past 2 and a half years so it would be great if things started to get better. I don’t even expect or want his involvement, I let go of that years ago but financially, I seriously need the help.

My brother wants me to just have this mindset that I’m never going to see a dime and to never plan on it. Well, I’ve already put up with this most of her life and I can’t just forget that there is another person here that should be helping in some aspect. I already feel that he’ll never pay it and will never have to. I’m also real sick of hearing about him being homeless when we all know damn well he’s not. I honestly don’t care if he is or not, he still has a child who’s alive and kicking that deserves to be supported by BOTH parents. His situation is irrelevant. Everyone needs to come to the realization that he’s dug his own fucking grave here.

I refuse to just forget the amount of money that’s owed to my daughter. It’s enough that I don’t get it but I’m not just going to forget about it too. I’m really hoping that the courts are going to make this guy pay. The longer he goes without paying, the less likely he ever will which means I’m left high and dry.