start me up in poetry

I forgot what it was like
to have a reason
to wake up before two in the afternoon
but I am starting to remember

I forgot what it was like
to have a motivating force
other than grief and disappointment
but I am starting to remember

I forgot what it was like
to forgive
that forgiving isn’t really about
the other people you’re forgiving
that forgiving is actually about
letting your own needless burden go
that forgiving is a survival act
freeing up your own headspace
to move forward in your life
without this weight upon you
but I’m starting to remember

it is not all wine and roses
remembering I mean
it is not all blessings and cake
I forgot how much I miss
that one girl’s blue-gray eyes
or the curve of her thigh
I forgot how much I miss
another’s impossibly curly hair
I forgot how much I miss
having someone to share secrets with
to lie next to at night
afraid of life together
someone to hold in the darkness
I forgot how that is
no one’s fault but my own
because I am a coward
all my friends are pairing off
while I am alone in the night again
because I am afraid of getting shot down
no one to share my new adventures
I’d forgotten how important that was
and I’m remembering that now
too

I forgot what it was like
to believe in goddamned anything
but the inevitability of my own failure
I forgot what a double-edged sword hope is
how much of your life it opens up
and how much potential for pain comes with it
but I am starting to remember

I shut something off
to protect myself from shutting down completely
but I am waking up from that now
for better and for worse
I am starting to remember
I am starting to remember
I am starting to remember
and I am just getting started