so this happened last tues. 'where things stand w/ my mom' in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

‘Well my mom and I usually get on well. as do Jessica and I.

except. on Tues. I completely forgot to make the bus appt. to go back to aurora. from my mom’s on Wed. the office closes at 5 p.m. and I usually make it at 2 as I don’t like phoning/answering calls after 3. [actually evan’s the only person i’ll do this w/. er I mean for]. yeah so it’s after 2 on Tues. and I realise I’ve not made the appt. and i’m like ‘oh, well, i’ll make it at 4’ then it’s 5:30 and.........too late to make the damn appt. this is the thing that greatly upsets me. not my dad being in the hospital for appendicitis. see i’m usually really good about making bus appts. really responsible w/ that. and although no one other than my mom is going to come down on me for not doing so. I can’t not be irresponsible in that way. cause it means i’m letting people [read: my mom] in. the reason I didn’t tell her I hadn’t made the appt. was bc A: she’s not the easiest person to talk to and 2: I didn’t want to work through it w/ her.

yeah so 6:30 rolls around Wed. night and she asks if I have my stuff ready and i’m like ‘yeah so we can go’ and she goes ‘we? i’m not takin you’. yes I realise it was my responsibility and you don’t know how much it greatly upsets me that i’d not made the appt. but..........I don’t need that response. just be like ‘yeah you ef’d up. i’m not going to harp on you about it but yeah you did’. but my mom doesn’t do that. [no she wouldn’t if she doesn’t know not to. but if she knew and we resolved it then it’d be dull again. and I really don’t like dull.

if she were easy to talk to.............like Jessica or Mark is. then i’d have let her know straightaway.

So. long story short that night she has the audacity to insult me - ok so it’s more how I took it then what she meant - by saying i’m ‘a big girl’. instead of, you know. ‘well as an adult it’s your resposnsibility to have done this’. I know for a fact i’m not fat. I’ve never been. I might feel that way. but it’s an emotion. and i’m not ever like ‘I feel fat’. though I do know the difference.

no I know what I did. I just wanted things to get worse. so that A: i’d be satisfied, 2: i’d have something to maybe b**ch about and C: continue w/ relapsing. [not that I should, obviously].

please no advice. everything else is ok.