Monday - 14.10.13 in Your Face

I'm so dissatisfied. I want more than this limbo life.

Sat my last exam for the trimester today. I need to contact my university about the next session - whether I need to start and finish in the same country, when the cut off is to let them know I need to sit exams in the US. I really don't want to defer a session, but as each week passes, the timing just gets worse and worse. I'll just have to see what options I have, I guess.

I'm pretty depressed at the fact that I thought I would be leaving around now. Remember when I was bummed out about having to wait until exams finished? That's today and I'm not going anywhere soon.

I made a doctor's appointment for the end of next week. I have to scrape together $75.00 for the appointment. I will get about $32 back, so that's one thing. I need to find out what is wrong with me. I'm not sick on a daily basis, but there's definitely something wrong.

What am I meant to do? I just keep getting out of bed and going to work. Watching pointless tv and playing computer games. I do my laundry and pay my bills. The single life has become slightly enjoyable now that I am used to it, but I am not a person who can enjoy it for long. I need my other half, my companion. All the things in life that I enjoy are far more enjoyable in his company.

So my brother was absolutely wasted last night and asked me to take him to get a pizza. By the time we got there he was too fucked up to eat. I ordered a pizza and he asked me to take him to pick up some "drugs". He didn't specify, but I know he can get unlimited weed off our neighbour and he said he'd had cocaine that morning. The dealer wasn't home and on the drive back to our place my brother told me he was considering going to rehab again. I said the usual supportive things, and I do support him, but he told me 3 months ago that he was going to go to rehab, yet he still drinks himself into oblivion every night and ignores my offers to go to a meeting with him. I hate that he won't do a thing to help himself. He tells me how unhappy he is but he's obviously too scared to stop. I hate it. It's a waste of a life and I hate what it has done to our family over the past 20 years.