6.4 in 2014

I absolutely lost my mind last night. Perhaps even more than that. I had high hopes for the evening, and nothing met my expectations.

Monday night Scott and I discussed the super ideal house, and it isn't going to work for us. The owner doesn't want pets, won't even consider it, and we are not going to get rid of dogs. We are however in agreement that we do not want to move, just to turn around and move again. So we agreed he needed to speak with his dad and make him give us an answer on what the plans are so we know what to say. He has another month on his lease before he has to make any decisions. I felt like we were in agreement and that gave me peace.

We ate dinner together as a family which has been a rarity since his mom has gotten here because if it isn't one of the nights he works late, he typically goes over there to give his dad a break. He even stopped himself from looking at his phone because we are supposed to have a no phones at the table policy that rarely gets followed. He even called me honey when he got up to make toast for him and the kids and he wanted to know which butter I usually use.

After dinner, he played with the kids a bit and instead of doing his typical routine of getting in the bath and locking himself in there to relax before bed, he asked me if I wanted to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix, and we watched two episodes together, actually talking about the episodes. And after his bath, he let Salem crawl into bed with us and Ian and have some family time before we all passed out.

While at work yesterday Scott found out that the mega company that is the Umbrella over the company he used to work for, and the one he works for currently, announced the were going to buying up all the auto companies they umbrella and take full ownership, changing names and what not. It's good because it means job security from a multi billion dollar company. It's bad because it's unknown and its almost certain pay will change, and will we be back at square one? He sounded confident and un-phased but it when he briefly called me to check on the kids, and to tell me he would call me on the way home and we would talk about it.

Yesterday was one of his late days. I almost always wait to begin really cooking dinner until I know that he is on his way home so that his food doesn't have to be zapped in the microwave. But yesterday I didn't hear from him and after ten minutes of his quitting time I just sent him a text to let him know that I was starting dinner. After another ten minutes I looked at my phone and saw that the text wasn't delivered, which meant he was probably on the phone with someone else, at that hurt my feelings. Ten minutes after that I tried to call him and he didn't answer so I sent him a text and let him know that dinner was basically ready and I wanted to know where he was, but was just gonna go ahead and put his plate in the microwave. Ten minutes after that I was starting to get worried so I double checked my phone to see if he had responded at all and then saw that both text messages had been delivered so I called him because I had just set the kids plates down and Ian was flipping out that daddy wasn't at the table and I didn't have an answer for him about where he was. The phone stopped ringing after 3 rings and sent me to voicemail, which most definitely meant he ignored my call which then enraged me. I tried not to freak too much and thought that maybe there was an emergency at his dads apartment and he had to go straight over there and he just couldn't answer the phone so I decided to walk out and see if his car was in the parking lot. He was walking up the stairs and said that was why he sent my call to voicemail.

Ian was happy to have him at the table with us and he seemed mostly OK, just tired, at the table. He let me know that his dad said we should resign our lease instead of panicking and trying to get everything done in two months time. Especially since he is sure it is going to take at least that long to get the paperwork approved for his mom and to get her into a home. He told Scott we should do a year to save money for right now, and then if we have to break the lease, we have to break the lease. Honestly, I don't think we'll be breaking the lease, and we will likely be here for another year. I'm fine with that. Scott said he is going to try and negotiate getting the increase lower though. That would be great, so I am praying about it.

After dinner I asked if he wanted to watch an episode of Breaking Bad and he said yes. But then immediately went into the bathroom and started the bath. I asked if we were going to wait until after and he said yes. I came in the bathroom to get something while he was in the tub and I saw that he had two beers sitting on the side. He had one the night before. So I asked why he was drinking during the week, and he said because it helped him sleep. And then I noticed he was back to being cold with me. I was reading while he was in the tub and the kids kept fighting. Ian hurt Salem so he got a time out. During time out he has to lay in his bed and calm down before he can come out and apologize. If he doesn't, he goes right back in. He immediately starting calling out for Daddy when I laid him in bed. I walked out to check on Salem, and he ran right into the bathroom to Scott, who immediately started comforting him. I went in and got him out and out him right back into bed. After a minute he went to his Salem and said he was sorry with a hug and kiss and told them both it was time to chill out, and stop rough housing. We didn't watch any television together because he was in the bathroom for over an hour.

I intended for Ian to sleep in his bed last night, and was going to do it no matter what. So after Scott got into bed, and tucked Salem in, I took Ian into the quiet and dark living room to rock him and sing to him. But we kept getting interrupted by Salem because Scott actually hadn't tucked her in, and then when Scott came and got her, Ian saw him and wanted to go with him. Scott told me that if I wanted him to sleep in his bed, I should just let him fall asleep with us and then move him. Ian heard that and fought tooth and nail to get off my lap and to his dad.

And that is when my will broke. I sat in the dark and pouted like a big kid. Scott has urged me for so long to get him in his bed. And yet he does not take part in it actually happening, and then basically interrupted and undermined my plan. I felt deflated. I sat in the dark doing absolutely nothing. I'm not even sure I was thinking. I gave up and said goodnight to Salem before heading into our bedroom. I decided to hide in the bathroom for a little bit first. Ian fell asleep relatively fast after Scott put his phone away. I read one chapter of my book and then moved him into his bed and he barely noticed. At least he was there.

I was hoping that with empty space between us, not a child, there would be some healing. I looked forward to it all day. Instead the same distance remained. I kept reading long after Scott fell asleep. My arms were getting tired but I was still wide awake so I decided to look at my phone. I saw pictures of my friends from California who now live in Colorado, visiting our friends in California, and immediately began balling. I left the room so I wouldn't wake up Scott. I sat in our living room just weeping in the dark. I got back in bed after some time and Scott stirred. He kept waking up and falling back to sleep before I finally did at about midnight. I turned my body his way, closer to him, and he stayed away from me all night. Ian got in bed with us at some point too.

I am bitter today. I want to give up. But I don't know how.

We have Family Fun Night tonight at church. Water slide, games, food. I am excited. So are the kids. And Salem gets to go home with Danielle tonight to be with her best friend Julia Kate for a sleep over. I am looking forward to an over all feeling of fun tonight instead of disappointment.