Day 2 in Journal

12 Days
I must say that I felt no small amount of- not joy, not happiness, not contentment- but.. of what, exactly? Self importance… A certain sense of knowing that someone at least feels an obligation to us… Recognition, perhaps… A swelling of some social ego… Whatever the exact phrase is eludes me at this moment. But I felt it when I saw the pile of gifts left for my family.
As I carried them in, though, I became aware of the hollow feeling that accompanied the bright packages. As I thought “at least he brings gifts!” and currently thought maybe these are worth it- when the feeling of emptiness entered my focus. Worth what?
It’s not that I do not feel this temptation to allow family of origin in contact with us. I do feel it. Very much, and very deeply. Most especially now, during a most sacred holiday. And this is what boundaries are for. This is what discipline is for. This is what commitment to principle is for. It’s for myself. And no one else! I would not dream of ever attempting to communicate boundaries with DH’s dad. Or my own mother. What a ludicrous idea! No, boundaries are for me. Boundaries are internal. Boundaries can only ever be internal. Believing anything different is believing in the predator’s camouflage. They absolutely love for us to try to manage them. That is their sticky trap. That is their toe in the door to control us.
The empty feeling, though. It reminded me. My blessed feelings which are empirical and rational, warned my ever tempted and opportunistic consciousness away. I am reminded of the fervor of opening a half dozen or more-! expensive and sought after gifts on Christmas, and then sleeping off the dopamine hit. I remember how as a child, I quickly tired of all the toys and goodies, and was irascible, and without contentment. I avoided contact with my family because it caused strife, pain, and often physical confrontation.
I do not want anything like this to be the experience in my family. I want my children to feel seen. To be heard. To remember Christmas as perhaps unconventional, but full to the brim with love, connection, and warmth.
We didn’t get our kids a pile of gifts. In fact just a few things… And we only got out a couple of them, today. We spent some time putting together and then playing with a pretend market stand. About 3 hours! Our son loved it, and our daughter even started to get into it. I feel like getting out more toys would have just completely ruined the fun and level of focused play we were all enjoying. And for what?
It is more than a little weird that we have this habit of dumping a load of toys on children on one day every year, and then we expect not only for them to regulate and normalize after this, but to express gratefulness, gratitude, a reflective thankfulness to the spirit of the season… It is more than just a little hypocritical. It’s more than cruel. It’s almost an outright inversion of the meaning of the festival.
I saw a picture today that is haunting me currently. It was a picture of DH’s cousins and their kids. There were so many toys, boxes, gift wrapping everywhere. And in a corner, behind a pile of toys so high she was barely visible, alone and with sad, tired eyes sat a little girl. The picture is clearly meant (and expressly captioned) to portray the Christmas “haul”. But what did they “haul” in for their daughter? She does not look happy. It is sad, and of course foolish of me to care more than they do.
Maybe tomorrow we’ll bring out another toy, or 2. Maybe we won’t! I thought it was a wonderful day full of play with what toys we had. And more beautiful for the simplicity.