Night time. in Since OD is shutting down....

I made my ravioli stuff for dinner and now we’re just hanging out before we lay down with our phones. I’ve been feeling like shit because of my medication. My nurse happened to call while I was on my phone with my brother to say she was leaving for the day and for me to call back tomorrow. Being diabetic is absolutely awful. I really need to figure out how to afford to eat better and be more active.

I stumbled upon past entries of when I was pregnant. I remember how mean he was even then and I still had hopes that things we’re going to be okay for my child. How foolish I was. We are no closer to figuring anything out now almost 7 years in then we were before. I still can’t believe this is the guy I had a child with. I could message him right now and he’d be just as mean as he’s ever been. I don’t know where he has any right to be bitter when he’s done NOTHING to be involved.

We were at breakfast this morning where my daughter said they had to bring a dog back to his sister’s place and she asked about just coming home and they told her no. His sister’s place is right down the street from my house. I am also annoyed that I wasn’t made aware of the fact that they were right here in town with my kid. I think there was a lot of shit that went on behind my back and that’s why I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. I made it super clear to the girlfriend that I didn’t trust him and I didn’t even know her enough to really trust her so next time there’s another new supply, I will make it very clear what will not be tolerated.

People like to bitch about Mom’s making it really hard for the Dad’s to be involved, but if anyone has had a situation like mine than society should be more understanding. After everything that has gone on while she’s been with him, I can promise that he will not be taking her again. I don’t want to worry about her being outside all day without supervision, moving cities and I’m not made aware, her being sick and not being aware and having to worry about gummies, pull ups, or him asking her questions about my private life.

It’s like him going to see her at school. I know that he was just trying to look good for that girl and to make me mad. If it were me, I would be too embarrassed to show my fucking face. He’s cheating my daughter every single day out of her Dad and his financial support but comes around just to create a dumpster fire. It’s sad that he only cares about getting me upset than what this is like for his own child. He should seriously worry more about getting himself stable so he could at some point plan on being an actual parent instead of trying to get drama fired up. It’s like he’s not happy unless he’s stirring the pot and doesn’t care who it hurts.

I can’t believe all the shit that’s happened all these years. It’s a lot of trauma. I have to keep going but sometimes it’s hard. I really thought that by now, we would have reached a good place but that’s never going to happen. You can’t co-parent with someone who doesn’t want to parent in the first place and someone who you can’t even have a sane, healthy conversation with. I can’t even count how many times I would try to communicate with him and couldn’t even get to the actual conversation because all he did was call me names, make threats, and blame me for everything. There’s no such thing as co-parenting with someone like this.

I honestly don’t care if he’s homeless or not. If he is, that’s his own bad. He’s chosen to be a deadbeat, absent piece of human garbage all these years and his daughter is still his responsibility. I’m out of compassion and patience. I have to be a parent and take care of my child so him still being in this spot of being a POS isn’t okay. He’s dug his own fucking grave and needs to start making better choices. It’s not my fault that he has wanted to run from responsibility all along and now he’s paying the fucking price. This thing where he plans to just live off everyone forever and always be a bum is getting ridiculous. It’s time to grow the fuck up. This child is also his and he needs to provide for her regardless of his circumstances.