Got breakfast. in Since OD is shutting down....

We did the breakfast thing and then went to the store. I got socks, 2 wax melts, hand soap, body wash, a big bottle of conditioner and then got my daughter a Bluey body wash for the bath and a couple of half off Christmas items. I didn’t get underwear because I just couldn’t find any in my size and don’t want to rush buying them and then if they don’t fit, I have to take them back so I’m going to do that on a day when my daughter is at school.

It’s sunny and the snow is melting. We don’t have plans again today but the house is fairly clean and I’m going to make my ravioli stuff for lunch.

But yeah, the whole thing about him being homeless is just annoying. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that same song and dance. Whether he is or not, he still has a child that he needs to provide for. I don’t really understand what homeless has to do with him not working. I guess he did give up the name to an employer but don’t know if he’s actually working or not. He just does what he needs to in order to keep buying himself time. I hope that he’s come to the realization that he’s going to have to pay at some point. He can’t just keep planning to live for free forever.

It’s pretty irritating that I’ve had to be stable all along and he never has. Every time my daughter has seen him, he’s living in a different place around different people. I think it’s about time that he gets his life together and plans to pay his own way. He’s also abusive and mean so that’s why people don’t put up with him long term. I remember telling my friend when he hooked up with that girl that she’s not going to just take care of him forever. Again, I was right. The guy is almost 40 and still plans to just find free ride after free ride so he never has to worry about taking care of his kid or even himself.

I’d just like to know if there’s going to be another court date and what’s going to happen if he still hasn’t paid anything. I think that should be grounds for contempt. I do hope that he’s in a spot where he’s going to have to actually work though. It’s just gross how he’s done all this shit to himself and people still try and take up for him! Like don’t we think it’s time that he has to grow the fuck up?!?! My daughter is going to be 7 in July and we are still not closer to getting in a good place now than we were when she was born! Sometimes I feel like people want to twist the narrative and believe that maybe he was a Dad at some point and he tried to do the right thing but no, I’ve been a single Mom since I found out I was pregnant.

I always feel like people really don’t care what he’s put me and my daughter through or the fact that I’ve had to figure it out without his help from day 1. People can’t blame me for anything but they definitely don’t want to put the blame where it’s due either! My needs and wants have always taken the back seat for the sake of my child and yet, he’s out living for free and getting to have a good time while I’m the full time parent. I haven’t been kid free at night time or a weekend in about 5 months again. I’ve had my daughter all of Christmas break while he’s trying to find hook ups on that filthy website but has the nerve to play the victim card?! Is he the victim when he’s getting laid, going to the bar, living for free, or pretending to be this perpetual victim?!?! Fuck no, he’s on the victim when it’s narrative fitting for himself!

It’s just great how he’s above parenting, working, and being a normal person but he’s not above living his best life and doing whatever he wants. He doesn’t ever have to worry about his child or her safety or even getting her to school, but does everything in his power to make people believe that he’s just this poor little fellow. It’s really getting old.

I definitely put up with more than I ever should have but I didn’t put up with the shit he wanted me to. He thought he was just going to move in and live off me and that didn’t happen. He also wanted her social so he could set himself up with food stamps and a free apartment and that didn’t happen either. I’m definitely grateful that I stood firm on what I wanted for my situation and I was not going to end up like my Mom. I still think about how we all would have had a better quality of life had she gotten rid of my Dad. Not only did he not work, but he made sure my Mom never had a fucking dime. She was financially abused and so were we.

My daughter has had it a helluva lot better than what I got and I’m by myself. I know that she feels like she’s missing out on a Dad but the only way he’d be around consistently is if I were to move him in and I’m not willing to make that kind of sacrifice. It’s hard but I’m about breaking generational curses and showing my daughter a lot better. I know that I struggle with money but it’s definitely not the struggle my Mom dealt with.

I still have a lot of resentment and residual anger for my Mom. She CHOSE to let the shit go on and even when my Dad was abusing us, she looked the other way. My Mom was definitely the root of the fucking problem. My Dad picked her because she was easy going and could make her a doormat. She still can’t think for herself and doesn’t have a mind of her own. I talk back and don’t put up with bullshit and that’s probably why I’m single. I couldn’t IMAGINE ever tolerating the shit she has and the fact that she’s still doing it, goes above and beyond mental illness and trauma bond. It’s flat out stupidity!

So, it’s Thursday. We have just a few days until we get back to work and school. We did her mix thing and she’s busy eating snacks. She wants tomato soup and grilled cheese for lunch again. I’m not sure if we have cheese, I forgot to get some while we were at the store.

I’m sitting here trying to understand the connection between homelessness and employment. I don’t see how not having a home would prevent you from getting a job. You get paid direct deposit and your paystubs are online. I see people on TIk Tok every day that work and don’t have a place to live. Like I’m seriously not getting this. Even if you don’t have a physical address, you can get a PO box. Maybe he should have worked all along and would have been able to afford his own place?! Or had he gotten enrolled with his tribe, they help with rent and deposit. Like why should anyone feel sorry for him when there’s plenty of steps he could have taken to not end up like this!