Too Soon in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 4: New Beginnings?

This… is silly. I’ve only been with my current partner for two months. Granted, it feels like a lot longer. As our world comes to a slow and painful end around us, the months feel like years, the weeks like months, and so on. June was approximately 3 years ago- a genuine and legitimate feeling! But honestly… just randomly, the thought popped into my head- “What if this is the last woman you’ll ever have sex with?”
Now… I was a married man once, so this thought process has already happened many years ago. And the fact that I have expanded my experiences beyond that woman is surprising, disappointing, and necessary.

But it did hit me today. I am very much in deep caring for my partner, her child, her pets. I don’t want to go days without seeing them. They are all very important to me. In the simplest terms, my life is improved because of their presence. In the most nauseating of terms- even when they are at their worst, my life is better for them being in it. But.... this is the… significant difference between THEN and NOW.

See, when I got married- of course I thought “This is the last woman I’ll have sex with.” But, you see, when it comes to actual penetrative sex… that was the “only” woman I’d had sex with. For the keen eyed reader, you may be thinking “Did he mean to use quotation marks instead of asterisks?” And to you, I tip my hat. Because indeed I did! The actual history would be too long to explain but the honest truth, the truth that shatters the façade I’ve been trading in for decades… my ex-wife was and wasn’t my first and was and wasn’t my only. The TLDR of that would already be a short novella worth paying me for, so we’ll move on. But as I faced my wedding day, of course I thought “This is the only woman” and I was perfectly okay with that. We’d discussed it and done pre-marital counseling with two different churches. I was hers, she was mine, I was to love her so much that I would gleefully sacrifice my very life for her comfort; she was to love me so much that she would stay faithful and loyal to me… and we were to have a relationship that involved emotional honesty and sex. It was all very clear, very laid out. But as she had really been “My First and Only” in 99% of the ways that exist… it was mostly a shrug and enthusiastic acceptance.

Which was then followed by such extreme withholding and cruelty that I have literally thousands of pages detailing the specifics! Which I can guarantee you is playing a part in my mind right now.

You see… I was very much in love and very much attracted to my now ex-wife. I was extraordinarily attracted to my FWB in 2020 as I recovered from the divorce. My attraction and emotional affection for my FWB in 2021 was… off the charts!! So, I have had some experiences. But when I think of my current partner? I… feel more torn. I chalk it up to having more experience, but still. I would love to wake up next to her every morning. In fact, my dreams last night led me to feel very disappointed when I woke up without her. And the sex? It isn’t as experimental, as kink-tastic, as lusty as my FWB experiences. But there is so much emotion and gratitude and connection! Not to mention completion. So it came to me… this may be the last woman I have sex with. And for a change… I felt a bit disappointed. NOT in any way that reflects negatively on her!! But… there are absolutely some activities, some kinks, some experiences… I’d wished to enjoy more before returning to a more limited lifestyle. BUT as true as that is? If someone came to me and said, “You can either have a loving relationship that involves mostly vanilla sex OR a dismissive relationship that involves being 1 of 4 other partners but enjoying wonderfully kinky sex?” I… reluctantly… would chose the vanilla lifestyle. Perhaps a sacrilege to admit on a site like this. Lord knows, were I in charge, I would have a recurring wonderfully kinky 3 way with a Japanese Woman and an Irish Woman every week… but that’s not exactly in the cards. And ultimately, at the end of the day? A truly beautiful blind woman that I care very much about? That specifically tells me she feels frequent sexual attraction to me? Well, fuck, that’s infinitely better than what I’ve had before! And I care about her a lot, too. So what I’ve got is good. Great, in fact. But… despite having been married before… I’m only now accepting the true weight of the concept “What if this is the last woman you have sex with?”