In the mall in A transparent lockbox

Something has reignited in me after years, suddenly I can’t help but to begin writing creatively again. Maybe it is due to the frequent journaling that has allowed my thoughts to breathe and reformat. Every morning now after I have my coffee, for a good 1-3 hours, there is just this time when I feel so raw and vulnerable that as I sit there and look out the window, tears suddenly glaze my eyes. The vulnerability isn’t just the feeling of sadness, but all these overwhelming feelings and memories about the things I have suppressed for so long. My insecurities, the kindness I’ve received that I never felt I deserved, and the love I have for the aspects of my life that I usually ignore. So much of today was startlingly pleasant that it caught me off guard with how genuine everything can feel. All these rushes of emotions have me writing poetry, essays, and short stories, and exploring the arts in general. Normally I would do it all right after I had my coffee to get the most productivity out of it, but today I had to go shopping and had my coffee, and there I am just tearing up while walking in the mall. It didn’t look like I was having a breakdown, my eyes were just frequently wet and glazed over. No strong thought or emotion was tied to it, just this feeling of being utterly raw. Like if my chest cavity was exposed in surgery and everyone had the opportunity to hold my heart. I’m still trying to learn about the meaning behind my alternating fragility and numbness.