Gifts. in Since OD is shutting down....

The big sister came through last night. She gave my daughter a couple of gifts and then left 2 full garbage bags in my car and then a couple of big gifts. We went over to my brothers for a little while and she got a thing of bath bombs and a squishmallow. She’s opened some presents again this morning. We have about 6 left and I have a couple of bags of stuff in my trunk for her. She was so worried she wasn’t going to get much for Christmas and she’s gotten a huge load of stuff.

The big sister even got me a couple of candles, a big thing of Dove chocolates, slippers, a robe, a metal tin with a $100 gift card! Holy shit, I definitely wasn’t expecting that! She even got my daughter the Gabby’s Dollhouse she wanted and that was like $50!! I feel bad that she went all out because all we got her was a sugar cookie mix and some candies. I seriously feel awful! She even got me a $20 gift card for McDonald’s. Ugh, I just hate the gift giving thing because I never have a lot of money to get things for other people. I struggle to get stuff even for my kid.

My brother keeps telling me that BD has gifts for her and I told him we’ve heard that same song and dance a thousand times. I’d rather he not have gotten her anything because that gets to be used as a weapon. I really like not having any contact with him and worrying that he’s going to ruin the holidays for me. I’d prefer that we just leave shit alone. I feel until he’s paying CS and wants to make a custody arrangement in writing, I have nothing more to say. I have since given up and I really don’t care if that’s not narrative fitting for everyone else.

We’re just hanging out at home. It’s really cold and windy today. I think it might snow which I hope it does because then it makes me feel more justified to stay home. I wish we had people to spend holidays with but we never do. I’m just glad my daughter has gotten a lot of great gifts to keep her busy.

I’m still pretty worried about the amount of my rent but hopefully I’ll know by Tuesday so I can be done thinking about it. I’m just scared it’s going to be a huge amount and I’m still going to be just as broke as I already am. It’s like the world doesn’t want you to ever have any money and be able to start climbing out of poverty. You take a lot of losses by getting a job, that’s for damn sure. I don’t know if they’ll go by my gross or not but I also won’t work 20 hours a week every week.

No matter what, I’m going to keep grinding. I refuse to give up. I ain’t trying to sit around and not work anymore. Someday I’ll get us where I want us to be. There will come a day where I’ll be able to work more. I do wish I could do the job where I was before because that’s where the real money is but I can’t for now. I just want to live comfortably and never have to want for anything. I don’t want to be rich but just be able to afford to live without being super stressed about money all the fucking time.