I Swear To God... in Hello

I’ll shoot myself if I turn on the PS3 for more Fallout today. I’ve been playing that WAY too much lately.

I am in a somber state today. Reread an entry I wrote on Dec. 18th from a few years ago. I was very sick getting over three day bender. From Friday to Sunday that weekend I had drank three liters of bourbon and twenty Guinness. Even though I’ve only been sober a short while (again) it feels so surreal that I’d drink that much. It gave me mixed feelings of disgust, guilt, shame and shock. Imagine if I took that money and invested it in something.

One day in outpatient we did a rough tally on how much we were spending a year on our vices. I wanted to crawl into a hole when I realized I had hit seven digits. That’s so embarrassing. I was that far gone. I find myself hating the stop drinking sub reddit now. I’m not trying to be judgemental but I see all these posts and inside my head I’m screaming at these people to just fucking stop!

Of all people I know it’s not that easy for some. I had a lot of time to think at River Valley and at this point I just want to grow up. Stop living in this fantasy land of self pity. The more I hurt and suffer the more I’ll show the world!!! I’m tired of being selfish. I’m 40 and I have nothing to show for it. What have I done with my life?

I like to think I’ve had some good relationships and I could have settled down but I didn’t know just what the hell I was doing. What would that life look like? A wife and kids? A long term commitment? Something…

I was almost a father back in ‘05.

Don’t mind me.
I’m pushing 36 hours of no sleep plus it would have been dad’s birthday today.

I am the all singing all dancing crap of the world…

Think I’ll order a pizza tonight, I don’t feel like cooking and nothing sounds appealing.