Nothing to fear but fear itself? in My Unpredictable Life ...

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.

Fear is frequently related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.

It is worth noting that fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable (or in my case knowing a loved one is actively trying to commit suicide).

Fear can also be an instant reaction to something presently happening.

All people have an instinctual response to potential danger, which is in fact important to the survival of all species.

Fear can be a manipulating and controlling factor in an individual's life.

If you’ve gone through a traumatic experience, you may be struggling with upsetting emotions, frightening memories, or a sense of constant danger. Or you may feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again. But with the right treatment, self-help strategies, and support, you can speed your recovery. Whether the traumatic event happened years ago or yesterday, you can heal and move on.

Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world.

Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and alone can be traumatic, even if it doesn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective facts that determine whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be traumatized.

And there you go. That has been my life for the past 11 days. Complete and utter fear.

You can't walk away from fear. Or at least I can't.

To stop fearing I would have to stop loving. And I can't just stop loving cold turkey. I have to wean myself. I have to have time to adjust to no longer loving. I have to figure out how to stop loving. So I am still a work in progress. It would help if I could stop loving because it is what I want, not what I need ... need for my sanity.

And yet I am the bad guy because I don't understand it is an illness. I'm being uncaring because I walked away when needed most. I'm evil because I'm trying to make it all about me.

I do understand it is an illness. I lived that illness most of my life. I understand the need to try to get people to understand it is not a cry for help but a need to get my thoughts and feelings understood. I was clinically diagnosed with depression at age 15 but had been suffering with it since the age of 8. My mother refused treatment/medication on my behalf. The only reason I was able to get the diagnosis was because she was court ordered to take me to a psychologist. So yes, I understand depression ... all too well.

I walked away for my own well being, for the sake of my own mental health. Obviously no one is going to take care of my sanity but me. So I did what was best for ME ... without a thought for her because she had already tossed me out of her life.

I understand no one can comprehend my actions. I don't know how to put it into words because it is mostly feelings. But I can try to explain (not that I have to explain my actions to anyone). I woke up as any other day. Nothing new. Nothing different. I did my usual morning routine. I caught up on FB then I switched to getting caught up on diary entries. Only to stumble across an entry. I had just spoken with her on the phone 5 days prior. I had no clue. She never mentioned her thoughts. She never mentioned her plans. She never.said.anything. So it was such a shock to read that she was trying to kill herself. My best friend on the whole planet wanted to die and there was nothing I could do for her! NOTHING! On top of that she DIDN'T want my help. All she wanted was for me to accept that she was going to DIE by her own hands and that she wanted me to tell her family this and that. I could NOT accept that. A true friend, who loves you more than life, will never accept you wanting to kill yourself. At least in my book. I had never been so scared in my entire life. The fear was so overwhelming. I couldn't think straight. All I could feel was pure horror ... horror that by the time I was reading her attempt at a goodbye letter, she had already succeeded. I cried so hard. I got angry. I cried more. I got more angry. Twenty three years kept flashing before my eyes. How would I ever survive this life with her gone? How?

I attempted suicide once. Not because I didn't think anyone loved me and that they would be better off without me. I tried because I was tired of the bruises. I was tired of being a punching bag. I was tired of him sexually abusing me. I wanted to end the physical and emotional abuse. I was tired of hurting. I didn't want to be in pain anymore. I didn't have anyone to tell me they loved me. I didn't have anyone to tell me they would help me. I didn't have anyone other than those who wanted nothing more than to hurt me. So my attempt at suicide was for me. Not for them. Luckily I got wise and figured out I could exact my revenge on them more successfully by LIVING and living a happy life, despite them. I pulled myself out of the deep hole, by myself, with no medications, no shrinks, just the love and support of friends and here I am today. So yes, I understand suicide as well.

I'm not trying to make it all about me. I'm just trying to remind people that I am here. That I am part of the equation because she made me part of it. By being my friend. And for asking me to carry out her final wishes. Some say I had no right to write what I did in my "You Suck" entry. I have a right to feel what I feel. No reasons why are needed; no apologizes are forth coming. I felt what I felt and that is the end of the story. I didn't write it to make people feel all warm and fuzzy or to piss people off either. I wrote what I felt I needed to write at that exact moment. I needed to make my voice heard that her suicide attempts weren't just about her need to make other's "happy" but that her actions would make everything that much worse. I can't apologize that it wasn't full of rainbows and unicorns and glittery shit. Cold hard facts are that suicide is always so much worse on those left behind than what the person attempting suicide is going through now. Apparently I can't paint a glowing picture of life after suicide.

So think what you will of me. That is your prerogative. I have just as much right to my thoughts and feelings as she does to hers, as everyone does to their own. I take responsibility for my actions. I own them. I have no regrets. Other than the friendship has ended. But it was something she obviously wanted in her goodbye letter and her fuck off letter. I am helping her to achieve that ending by walking away. I can't be emotionally invested in someone who can't love life. I chose to live. I chose to surround myself with those that chose to live. If you don't chose to live then we can't be friends. It's as simple as that.

Till next time ....