Sunday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So in the midst of my daughter’s bath, my brother called and asked if his kid could come over for a little bit. I knew after a couple of hours that she’d probably be spending the night so I let him know I was probably going to bed soon. He said he’d let me know but then I didn’t hear back from him and went to bed. I woke up about 1am and the kids were still up watching a movie. I text him this morning saying I was looking to dump her off because she didn’t want to come with to the toy drive but then he said he was on his way to pick her up.

She went home and then we got ready and went to the toy drive. My daughter got a book, a Bluey backpack with markers and stamps, a couple of shirts and 3 stuffed animals. I didn’t want her to come with because I wanted to hide the stuff so she’d have it for Christmas but we have 2 more we are gonna go too and I think my brother will watch her for at least one of them. Her big sister texted earlier saying that she wants to take her next weekend and pick out some stuff that she’s going to get her. She’s definitely going to have plenty for Christmas. I still plan to get her a couple of bigger gifts as well.

Tomorrow I gotta get her to school and then meet with my caseworker. I’m praying that my laptop will be there and I get it. I’m to start at school on Tuesday and I’d like to be able to get all of my online stuff done. They also want me to do my videos for substitute teacher as well which has to be done by the 15th.

I forgot to get quarters for laundry so I’m going to do that tomorrow. We got some food at the store. I’m definitely starting to get stressed out and overstimulated so I’m glad there’s school tomorrow. After this week, it’s Christmas break and I’ll have her for 2 weeks. She’s going with her big sister at some point next weekend but other than that, I’m not sure how much break I’ll get.

I was thinking earlier about some stuff. I don’t know why I have random memories pop into my head but I would like to talk about them. So about 2 weeks ago, after he saw her at school I got like 6 emails stating someone was trying to change my Facebook password. This has happened before where anytime there’s been contact with him, someone is trying to get into my Facebook. I have no doubt that it’s him even though there’s no way to prove it. I also think about how many times he’s accused me of stalking his social media when he’s put our private conversations on Facebook to make me look crazy and just how many times he’s had people message me to say how unfair all of this shit is to HIM!

Even when I was at the hospital giving birth to my child, he had stolen my cell phone and had messaged people I WORKED WITH asking if I’d been sleeping with them. It’s really awesome how he doesn’t bother to tell anyone anything he’s done. I remember a year ago when he was trying to abuse me through some random hoe on Facebook where I cut that off after about 6 messages so he had the audacity to put my full name on that sex site stating that I was stalking him and wouldn’t leave him alone!!

It’s completely nuts how these fucking people truly believe YOU are the problem! I’ve gone out of my way to avoid any direct contact with him but he still won’t stop! I’m just glad that I learned years ago to become less reactive and just let him be in his crazy. Probably the best thing I could have done. It does bother me that he’s made so many people I don’t even know hate me but I don’t bother to clear up my side of the story anymore. Time will.

I just think until he’s ready to be sane and be an actual parent, I’d like for him to just drop off. He’s tried EVERYTHING to get at me and nothing works anymore. He’s been threatening me with a court order for 6 months now and I’m still sitting here waiting for court papers to be served. Like bro, obviously your threat isn’t doing anything so either go get your fucking court order or die off! I don’t give a fuck what you do!!

He should seriously be embarrassed that he refuses to be a Dad so my kid is growing up not knowing him, has to be put in jail and have court dates to pay CS, won’t get enrolled and has the NERVE to threaten me?! LOL! I am truly sorry that I ever engaged in the crazy but over the years, I’ve learned to just stay away from him and the guy still won’t stop. I couldn’t imagine having this incessant need to have drama all the fucking time!!

I just want to know what this shit has done for him. I don’t know if it makes him feel important, dominant, gives him some kind of high or he’s hoping that I’m going to clap back and help him put all our dirty laundry out there. I’ve stayed silent all these years and didn’t waste my energy fighting back but I can’t promise that I never will either. We’re human and can only take so much.

I’m starting to get tired. The weekend has gone fast but sometimes I wish I ever got to do anything besides cook, clean, and look after my daughter. I do wish that I got breaks like my brother does.

I start Tuesday. I’m definitely ready to get the first day over with. The first few minutes will hopefully be the most nerve wracking and then be easy after that. I’m hoping anyways. I’m going to ask if I could get some help with comfortable shoes. My daughter says that I will get to sit down and I’m really hoping I will. I’m definitely able to stand longer than before but I just don’t know for how long.

I’m hoping that with CS, they are going to keep scheduling him court dates because that’s the only way he’s ever going to pay. I think that if they do that, he’s going to come to the realization that it’s not just going away. I think if they keep putting him in court for a good amount of time, there’s a better change of him actually paying it. With his track record of going YEARS without paying, it’s time that they make him understand it’s going to get paid or he’s going to jail. He has already been to jail for this for 6 days but I don’t think that’s enough for it to really compute that it’s no longer optional.

I’m sure he was walking into that court room thinking they’ll put out another court date for months down the road and he’d been good to quit his job because he knows that CS is going to come out of the next check and he doesn’t want that to happen. I don’t know if I’ll get any of it anyway because of TANF but he still needs to be held responsible. I have to take care of my child and never got an option so it’s not fair that he’s gotten to evade it for so long.

Definitely glad that he’s finally going to face this and have to deal with it though. I remember being pissed that he had a warrant for 2 years and still wouldn’t pay. Then, he up and moves 3 hours away to hide even further. Karma is definitely up his ass now and hopefully it will lead to me seeing consistent payments. My brother has always acted like I shouldn’t care that he doesn’t pay it and acts like I should almost feel bad. Well does he think the guy has EVER cared what this has been like for me and my daughter?

Even if he would’ve started paying over the Summer, it would have been a huge help. I wanted so badly to be able to do my side gig for money but I didn’t have a babysitter. Everyone acts like I should just be able to figure it out even though I don’t have money to pay anyone and I can’t take my kid with me. There’s only so much you can do with no help but no one cares.

The girlfriend told me back in July, “you’ll get your money” and it’s like yeah well it’s not my money, it’s my daughter’s!! I said that too! I seriously just feel that people like that he doesn’t pay it and won’t be around physically. I honestly feel that people have enjoyed hearing about my struggle and how fucking hard it is. It’s been pretty rare for me to feel like people are ever on my team with this. I didn’t make this child by myself and yet, I’ve been the parent to do it all. Just because I can do it all on my own and always have doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t have to help!

I always thought that if I would have had a support system and people to watch my daughter so that I could work, I probably wouldn’t have cared as much about him being a deadbeat. I’ve had way too much time to sit around and be angry that I’ve been the one to deal with everything on my own and it’s like the more okay I’ve become in all this, the more irritated people get. I feel like people have bathed in my anger.

I’m very thankful that he’s been to jail and has had court and maybe this shit will finally change. I hope he understands that he can’t just get out of it anymore. He’s left me holding the bag long enough. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m being financially abused and there’s been nothing anyone can do. I remember when he had that warrant and my caseworker telling me that if he got a job and paid it for awhile that the warrant would just go away. I’m pretty grateful now that he didn’t because otherwise he probably would still be running around scot free.

So I haven’t spoke to my parents but my brother has. They’ve had a lien on their house for about 3 years now because apparently they’d gotten a new roof put on their old house and for whatever reason, their insurance didn’t pay it. Well I guess now, the roofing company wants their money and it’s thousands of dollars so my Mom is trying to sell her car. I honestly believe that if I had to choose between my house and car, that would be enough for me to file for divorce.

I feel like my ‘Dad’ has always had this thing where he’s just not happy unless they are losing stuff or being threatened to have shit taken away. He enjoys having things to be stressed out about and never deal with them. I don’t know how many cars they’ve had repoed, title loans, car loans, maxed out credit cards over the years. Like what more needs to happen for my Mom to realize that she’s with the wrong person! They’ve lived like this for 40 years and it should be getting old by now.

My Mom has been financially abused for DECADES! My Dad has also done plenty to abuse us kids as well. It’s like he wants to make sure that they never have any money and there’s always some kind of financial crisis. I’m sure it’s to gain attention and sympathy for himself but it’s still shit that normal people shouldn’t have to deal with. I remember him always worried about my Mom possibly giving my brother money so it’s like to make sure that didn’t happen, he would hurry up and spend her paychecks. She paid ALL the bills and he got whatever was left.

My brother told me that they stopped by his house not too long ago where of course my Dad was driving her car and she had to ask him for her cell phone! Like how in the absolute fuck do you live like this?!?!

My Dad has always kept my Mom on a very short leash. He’s had to keep tabs on her 24/7 because she was the cash cow. He couldn’t afford for her to possibly be around people who would maybe influence her to make different choices. He never worked and always spent her money so with that, it just breeds insecurity and control. He had to make sure that NOTHING or NO ONE was going to rock the boat. Even now, he makes sure that she pays the bills and has to ask HIM for money! The financial abuse is absolutely astounding. At this point, my sympathy only runs so deep.

My Mom had an affair about 3 years ago and actually left. She had filed for divorce and was done. She was completely sick of him mooching off her and having to take care of him. I remember when she went home and him telling me that she gave him the PIN to her debit card. I tried to say something and was told she didn’t want to hear about it. Uh okay, well you are making your own path to go down the same dead end road by having no fucking boundaries. Then, she decided she didn’t want to drive anymore so that was just handing him even more control.

I get that my Mom has clinical depression. I get that she’s been manipulated and brain washed for so long that she doesn’t know anything else. I get that this is what’s gone on even before I was born. But shouldn’t there come a time where you are fed up enough to fucking leave?!!?

My parents are the epitome of a toxic marriage. They are the reason why I will NEVER take care of a man or be controlled. I have sat by and watched this sick shit my entire life and I’ve made sure to never end up like her. None of this shit is okay but as long as you allow it, it’s going to continue. I have never in my life seen anyone with parents like mine and the fact that they are still like this. My Mom has never been much of a Mom and I remember when my daughter was about a year old and we hadn’t seen or heard from her in MONTHS where she asks me to come over to my brother’s house when I got off work just to ask me if I got a nice tax refund. She didn’t even bother to acknowledge my kid whatsoever but had to fucking audacity to ask about my taxes?!?!?

You couldn’t even pay me enough to ask someone about their finances, especially their tax refund. That is way too invasive. I feel unless people willingly tell you their business, than they probably don’t think you should know. My Mom has never been much of a constant for my child, even when she was little nor does she help me with money or bills so where she would ever feel comfortable asking about money that I made by myself the whole year while my daughter is being raised in a fucking daycare is absolutely mind blowing.

They’ve borrowed so much money from me and never made any attempt to pay it back that it’s really maddening for them to be intrusive. I don’t owe them a motherfucking thing and I’ll be damned to answer questions about my bank account. I will never understand how the fuck you could be like this but it’s nervy as hell.