More thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

We’ve been up super early this morning. We’ve already gotten breakfast and back home. It was supposed to snow last night but it didn’t. It’s cold and a bit breezy today. I think my daughter will nap today because we left the house while it was still dark. She’s watching TV in the living room so I have a few minutes to write.

The whole CS thing is just absurd. I find it disgusting that it had to end up like this. This guy is almost 40 and has had a child for almost 7 years where he’s gone more than half her life not working and even longer not being present. It’s annoying how my brother acts like I should at least feel bad that I had the shit modified. He didn’t pay it when it was a more affordable amount either! It’s been on me since the day she was born to take care of her. I feel that guy has gotten enough of a free pass that he should be threatened with jail now. Until there’s motivation for him to pay, he would have continued not doing anything!

I really do wish the guy the absolute best and I’ve even told him that even if he never has a part in her life, I’d really like to see him get it together. If he worked, he wouldn’t have to keep trying to freeload off of other people. I told my friend yesterday that normal people would get tired of living like this. I understand that his upbringing was bullshit and that he probably has quite of bit of trauma but my daughter and I shouldn’t have to suffer for it. I remember that 2 years where he didn’t even pay $5 a month. There’s been plenty for me to have to deal with and I’m glad it’s finally getting handled through the courts.

It’s not like he even has to worry about taking care of her before or after work and even with a job, he can take whatever job he wants and whatever schedule because the responsibility is on me like it’s always been. I think it’s crazy that he has always just expected for me to be the full time parent and he shouldn’t have to contribute anything but a fucking headache. This has always just been a game to him and I’m ready for him to realize that he’s either going to work and pay CS or he can plan on some jail time.

This has definitely not been a game to me. I’ve been fully responsible for my child without help from him, his family and even my family has never cared like I thought they would. I’ve lost sleep, a social life, had my life completely put on hold because I’ve never had the help that I could have had if people actually cared. It’s like everyone just wants me to forget how fucking hard it’s been. It’s not enough that I’ve had to roll over and accept that he won’t help financially or emotionally, but I should forget the thousands of dollars he owes that could have drastically improved my situation.

I’ve sat by and watched this guy go to cosplay events, work under the table, go out and travel, spend plenty of nights out at the bar being an alcoholic where I’m lucky if I get to go do something once a year. Any time I’d try and talk to him about making a visitation agreement or talk about CS, he would come unglued. I’ve taken his abuse and threats for so long that I don’t see myself ever trying to trust a man or be in a relationship. All of this has changed my brain chemistry to the point that I don’t see myself ever thinking differently than what I do.

It’s been 4 months since I’ve been kid free on a weekend. I more than likely will never get to do anything again unless my brother takes her for a couple of hours or I have money to pay a sitter. There’s no one else to ever help. I told my friend not too long ago that even if I got CS, I’m still the one to figure everything out every single day. I still get to have all the stress and make everything work. He doesn’t ever have to worry about being a parent while I go do whatever I want and that’s how it’s always been. I’ll never understand how you can participate in creating a life and then walk away where you don’t think you should have to have any consequences. I think he wanted the title of ‘Dad’ but never actually be one.

I really do hope that things might get better someday. My daughter really does need a Dad. I hope for sake that he’ll try one day. I remember when she was little and he’d come around that maybe it’ll be different this time. He never came to spend time with her, just to sit and fight with me. It’s like either people don’t know what they need to about all this or they’re just so hell bent to take up for him that it doesn’t matter. He’s burnt every bridge there is and I won’t waste any more time trying to reason with him.

The fact that he’s still so bitter this many years in is yet another reason to just be done. He was telling my brother that I was evil. Okay well was I evil being a single Mom so you can do whatever you want? Or was I evil when I’d be crying myself to sleep asking God for you to grow up? I’m only evil because I want him to at least help out financially. I’m only evil because I want to see accountability. I remember 2 Summers ago being with my kid non stop. I wasn’t evil when I was doing it all by myself with no money while he ran around with whoever he wanted.

It’s like he’s always lived in the same city since she was born, most of the time being within walking distance and still made no effort until he hooked up with someone who had money and a car and he needed to impress her. He wasn’t even being a Dad when they took her because I was still providing all the stuff she needed and that girl was paying for all the stuff they were out doing. He was still contributing nothing. I’m sure that girl noticed when he didn’t even know how to interact with her. She even told me that she could tell he’s never spent much time around kids. It’s also sad that he didn’t even call once they brought her back and the girlfriend had to say something about it.

It was about 3 years ago I had started talking to some guy off a dating site that was telling me how I should just go the the CS office and close my case and forgive the arrears. Um, no one has any right to tell a single Mom what to do in a situation such as this! I feel until it’s YOU in this kind of predicament, your opinion is invalid. I don’t give a fuck what other people think I should do when I’m the one that’s gone through an incredibly horrific situation but everyone thinks that the guy should have to take no responsibility at all?! It’s not enough that I’ve been completely on my own day in and day out but I should just never expect the guy to help at all too. Good God.

I can honestly say that there’s been a lot of good that’s come out of all this. I definitely found strength that I didn’t even know I had and I’ve learned to accept that most people just want to get a reaction out of you. I think with most people, they don’t have the best intentions and you have to be really careful who’s advice is actually to be helpful or if they have their own motives.

Another thing. Just because I can do it all on my own doesn’t mean that I should have to. I’m not even asking for his involvement, just help financially. We live in really expensive times and I’d appreciate not having to try to figure out how to pay for everything on my own anymore. Doesn’t he ever wonder if I struggle with money and can’t afford every damn thing?! Doesn’t he ever wonder that our child could be going without simply because I don’t have enough money? If I was him, I’d always be worried! This life is incredibly expensive!

It’s like him wanting to take her swimming and getting a motel room or taking her out to eat. Well she needs shoes and clothes more than she needs that stuff. He never even asks if she needs anything! It’s like he’s just so hell bent that he’s not going to be an actual help with her that he can’t see past it! He wants to just be able to decide when and how he chooses to spend money. I have never gotten to do that. It’s like his main mission is to make sure to keep financially abusing me. Even my brother has told him that he won’t pay because he wants to make sure I don’t have access to that money. My brother has gotten down right nasty with him and it still doesn’t change anything.

He wants to make sure that if he does spend money, it’s not a help to me in buying her stuff that she needs or me having any access to it. That’s why he won’t get enrolled too. It’s just been okay for me to pay for everything, even though I’ve gone without. That doesn’t matter. The child support is court ordered but to him, it’s only ever been optional! I’m glad that he now knows that it isn’t an option anymore. It’s been optional long enough.

I don’t even know how many times I’ve tried to work a deal with him as well. When she was little, I told him that if he were to watch her when I had appointments or errands, I’d hand the CS back to him. I also said that if he were to get enrolled, I’d go forgive all of the arrears. I’ve also said that if he paid a lump sum, I’d go forgive the rest. He made sure that he wasn’t going to pay whatsoever and keep leaving me holding the bag so for my friend and brother to ask that if he paid for awhile, would I consider getting the amount lowered? Probably not. I think if he was to pay consistently for awhile, I would think about it but after he’s left me high and dry as long as he has, I more than likely won’t. I’ve had no choices or freedom all these years thanks to him refusing to be a parent so I’m not going out of my way for him to be off the hook financially.

It’s like he can’t see past leaving me holding the bag and being financially abusive. It’s like it’s his main goal to be as evil as he can. He’s like this because he’s gotten to be this way for too long. He can’t see past hurting me. I truly believe that everything he does it to hurt me or get me to react. He hasn’t been back to visit my daughter at school and I wonder if it’s because I didn’t react when he was there 2 weeks ago. I’m sure that he was a huge blow to his ego that I just didn’t fucking care. I do care but I’m not going to waste my energy letting him know that.

I don’t think you really know someone until you have a baby with them. I definitely didn’t know the extent of his crazy until I was pregnant. He went out of his way to make my pregnancy as hard as he could. Even with court dates and the threat of jail, I still don’t see him paying. I think he might for a little while until he feels he’s not going to get in trouble but I don’t think it’s going to be a consistent thing. I’m glad that my brother was wrong about them putting out a court date for 6 months. He has court again in less than 2 weeks. He hasn’t paid in 5 months and has even had 2 paychecks. They should have told him to make a payment before he left the fucking courthouse. It’s bullshit that he is still doing what he can to delay making a payment.

Sometimes I wonder what this guy really thinks I’ve done to him to deserve all of this. I have stayed silent and raised his child while he’s lived his best life. He’s pissed because I didn’t chase him around begging for him to be a Dad. I stayed silent when he’d post screenshots of our conversations, when he’d put my full name on that sex site and somehow I’m still the problem?! No, I think he’s mad because I have just left him alone. He’s made because I’ve never reacted the way he wanted.

I just hope that my story helps someone. I hope that everyone who needs my entries is careful who they are laying down with. I don’t want anyone to go through what I have. All of this has definitely changed me.