Monday. in Since OD is shutting down....

This morning went well. My daughter took a long nap yesterday afternoon. We had pizza for dinner. She took her coat to school to give it to her friend because we have another one and the one she took was getting too small. I have since gotten dinner cooked and laundry done and put away. I got a call about my job. It didn’t ring in and then all of a sudden I have a voicemail but I have since called back and left a message.

I’m praying to God that onboarding won’t be until like next Tuesday because I’d get my laptop by then. I’d really like to have that but I accept that it might not work out that way. I’m more worried about working than that.

BDB has court on Thursday for Cs. I’ve been wanting to send an email and ask what’s going to happen if he attends and still hasn’t paid. It’s been 5 months since I’ve seen a payment and he’s been out of jail since October 19th so he’s had plenty of time to start working and paying something. I know that I might not see it because of TANF but I would like to see some type of accountability for him. More than likely, I won’t bother sending an email simply because I know the response would make me mad and he still won’t have to pay. I’m not going to set myself up to be angry so I’m going to leave it alone and just hope that he’s going to be held accountable at some point in my daughter’s lifetime.

I just think that it was pointless for them to issue that warrant, have him sit in jail for 6 days, let him out on PR and then issue a court date because in the end, he’s not going to have to pay. There’s no point in putting him in court or jail for this because it’s obviously not going to scare him to work.

I find it disgusting that this guy got my pregnant, abandoned me for that 9 months, denied her the whole time and has worked less than half the time she’s been alive and no one really seems to give a flying fuck. I question why there’s such a thing as child support if they don’t do much to enforce. I had 9 months to prepare for my child and he’s had the better part of 7 years. I would love to understand why Mom’s end up with all the responsibility and the Dad’s have none. I didn’t miss 1 day of work the whole time I was pregnant, I bought everything I needed for her by myself, I went to every appointment by myself and all I really need from him is for him to be financially responsible. I don’t ask for his involvement nor do I want it since it’s more headache than what it’s worth but he needs to help somehow. I don’t have the luxury of the choice to not take care of my child so he shouldn’t either.

So tomorrow, I go at 2 for my impending job. I finally got in touch with the guy and they are going to send me an email with forms that I need to fill out and then go tomorrow. I hate when appointments aren’t right away in the morning for different reasons but I’m definitely glad to be getting a job and having something to do. I told him I wanted my start date to be next Tuesday because I’m hoping to get my laptop the day before. Hopefully she’s going to give it to me no matter what, even with a job.

I plan to tell her that it will make my job easier for emails and what not because I seriously don’t have unlimited internet on my phone and I want to plan to do school online at some point. Hopefully she won’t make it difficult for me to get that damn laptop. She already embarrassed me over it so let’s hope when I see her next Monday that it won’t be a big deal. I’m still not even sure that I’ve been approved for one because they said there’s criteria for it. The guy said that tomorrow they’ll discuss where to place everyone. I’d prefer to be at my kid’s school because I don’t want to be far from my house considering we will already get home late.

My daughter has told me she’s worried that we’ll have to stay until all the kids are gone but I don’t think we will but I let her know that I’ll make sure dinner is cooked so we’ll just heat it up when we get home. I’m excited to work with my own child and it doesn’t sound like a physically strenuous job whatsoever. I’m nervous because I can be kinda shy but hopefully I’ll break out of my shell quickly. I know my daughter will help with that because she’s a very social kid.

I just hope everything goes well. There is no back up plan if this job doesn’t work out. I plan to put my best foot forward and make it work because my daughter and I will have the same schedule, I won’t have to worry about asking anyone to help with her and we’ll have our weekends and holidays to spend together. I won’t have to worry about getting a job where I would have to try and rely on people that have proven to be unreliable and that’s a big plus. I’ve spent the better part of last year wondering what I would do if I had a job and needed someone to help with my daughter and there isn’t anyone. My brother might help if he’s not working but even then, it’s always been a struggle to get anyone to come through.

I can’t even remember all the times my Mom has agreed or offered to help with my daughter and then not show up. There was times I’d tell her MONTHS in advance that I needed her to help but it still just wouldn’t happen. I know my Dad did what he had to in order for my Mom to not show up but she went along with it. I would’ve preferred if she could have ever just been honest and say that she wasn’t going to help because there was times that I had to take my kid with to appointments because I didn’t get the heads up that she wasn’t coming. I find it very immature to not even let me know ahead of time that she wouldn’t watch her so I could either find someone else or reschedule.

It still angers me that there’s no help outside of school. I am definitely grateful that my daughter is in school now because if I ever needed a sitter, there wouldn’t be one. I’m so thankful that I’m able to get stuff done while she’s at school because I can’t take her with me to everything. Sometimes it’s just not an option. I think there’s a lot of times where she’d forget on purpose to get a reaction from me. I remember a couple of different times when she would text me at my appointments and ask what I was doing after not showing up to watch my kid. I think she wanted me to get angry because then she could just sit and thrive off my anger. She wanted me to react because then she wouldn’t have to feel bad for leaving me high and dry.

I remember over the Summer when I’d asked her to give me a ride to my injection where she agreed and then texted me while I was there! She knew my daughter was with her Dad so I didn’t even need her to babysit, just a ride and she couldn’t even do that?!?!? That was the same night I’d asked her to babysit months in advance so I could go to a concert where she waits and extra couple of days for good measure to make sure she wouldn’t have to babysit.

I’ve definitely learned to not bother calling people out on their shitty behavior anymore and I don’t react. I refuse to give people what they want. They aren’t going to get me upset whatsoever anymore. I truly believe that most everyone around me is out to push my buttons and get me to give them the emotionally charged reaction they are looking for.

It’s like if your grown children have no relationship with you and you ‘don’t know why’ you are probably a narc! There is no way you just don’t know why your kids have no relationship with you, ya just don’t want to take responsibility for your behavior!