Sunday. in Since OD is shutting down....

My brother was asking us to come over and have Thanksgiving dinner with them last night but after all of them had been sick, I was too afraid that their house would have left over germs so we didn’t go. I ended up being sick through the night because I had eaten too much last night for dinner. I’m still feeling cruddy but not as bad as I was. My daughter decided to wake up at 3am and has been up ever since. We went and got breakfast and now she’s just watching TV.

It’s going to be different dropping her off at school tomorrow and then just coming home. I’m happy that I won’t have to go sit in that room but I definitely worry that the job will call and I won’t get that laptop. Hopefully I’ll hear from them at some point but I also know that shit doesn’t always work out the way I want it to either. I’m just worried I’ll be stuck in this same situation forever. I care more about the job than I do the laptop but it would be great if everything aligned perfectly.

I had told my brother my concerns with DBD. I think I’ve repeated myself enough that from now on if there’s any talk of him wanting to take her that I’m just going to say no. I’m not going to explain myself anymore. We all know what the issues are and there’s no reason to keep talking about them. Believe it or not, I do appreciate that he thinks of her enough to want to take her and do things but I just don’t like the secret thing or having to worry about her safety. I just don’t need extra headache and have to worry about behavioral issues at home and at school due to his absence and bad mouthing.

Secrets are a huge trigger for me. I grew up with my parents always being secretive, especially about money. I seriously start to panic just hearing the word ‘secret’ because nothing good comes from that and it implies that someone is doing something wrong. I just hate that word and never use it with my child so I don’t want anyone else to either. I remember my Dad liked to whisper stuff to her and tell her ‘secrets’ and that’s another reason why she’s not around him.

I wish that her ‘Dad’ would grow up enough to know that his absence is the biggest poison and she’s getting old enough to realize who the problem is. Talking badly about me isn’t helping anything. My daughter knows who’s there for her and who makes sure she’s taken care of every single day. It’s not doing what he’s hoping for. I just think it’s crazy how I look back on past diary entries from 5 years ago and he did all the same stuff. He LOVES to be around enough to create problems and then leave because he knows whatever drama he makes, he’s not the one to have his life disrupted and then anytime I’d say anything, he’d turn around and blame me. It must be nice to be like this and take no responsibility!

He’s just really selfish, bitter person that needs to just drop off. I honestly believe that he’s bitter because I never wanted to be with him and I still don’t. He’s definitely the ‘divide and conquer’ type and I refuse to allow him to make my life harder than it already is. I remember when I let him take her for a couple of hours back in October of 2022 and she came home saying that he told her I was taking all of his money. I think he just wanted to get her away from me to start conflict. Like he isn’t happy unless he’s provoking someone’s crazy side. I truly believe that he’s all about hurting other people because he LIVES for the reaction of it.

It’s like my Mom. You can blame her shit with my Dad on childhood trauma, brainwashing, being adjusted to abuse but I think after 44 years, I chalk it up to stupidity. There’s no way I would let a man run my life. I would NEVER end up like her and that’s why I made different choices. I knew when I was pregnant that I would be better off on my own. My daughter has more and has it better because I’m on my own.

There’s also this thing where if he doesn’t get to take her when he wants, then he won’t take her when I need him to. It’s his way or nothing. I remember when she was a baby and I’d ask him to take her and then if it wasn’t for the time frame he wanted then he wouldn’t help. I think it drives him bat shit that I don’t bother asking and I stopped years ago. He’s happy to be the absent deadbeat that he is and it makes him mad that I just accept that. I also got sick of him always wanting to watch her at my house because his sister’s place is overcrowded and it stinks. I don’t him at my house. I don’t feel that it’s appropriate especially when he’s snooped through my house and has stolen money.

I’m just not going to spend any more time defending myself or what choices I’ve made to protect my peace. My brother wouldn’t be on my team no matter what I did and that’s on him. I seriously don’t care what anyone thinks. Until you’ve lived this yourself, you will truly never get it.

I still have a bit of a stomachache. I’m waiting for my daughter to take a nap so I can sleep some too.