Wednesday. in Since OD is shutting down....

I never did make an entry yesterday. I went to my thing at 2pm and just talked about the program, the hours, always focus on positive behavior blah blah blah and then I got a few things from the store, made a pizza for dinner and then got my daughter from school. They wanted to put me at a different school where there’s a higher need for people but I explained my daughter really wants me with her so I’ll be at her school.

My caseworker text yesterday asking if I’d heard from the job and I told her that they left a voicemail and how my phone didn’t ring in and I called back and left a message. I’m still hoping to get the laptop because I have to do like 8 hours of orientation and the laptop I have now is so beyond needing replacement that it would take me forever to get all that stuff done because it has to be restarted every 10 minutes.

I’m a little nervous about my job but it’s going to help that my daughter will be there. It’s only 3.5 hours a day and then more hours on early release days. The guy made me feel good when he said something about me being more of a take charge kind of person. I definitely am. I think I’m more excited that nervous which is really good.

We’ve had a couple issues with scissors lately. She’s been coming home with holes in her pants and then a couple nights ago, she came home with a patch of hair missing. I called the school yesterday and they called back when I was at my thing and she admitted she cut her own hair after she had told me that some other kid cut it. I was more mad that she lied about it than actually doing it. I guess she wanted bangs but she could have told me that. We had a talk last night about lying and that she needs to be honest about things.

DB has court tomorrow. I’ve already talked to my friend this morning about it and we both agreed that there’s no point in sending an email. Either he’s going to get a job and pay it or he’s not. There’s nothing anyone can do to force him to pay. I accept that. I’d rather he not pay it because anytime he has, it’s just used as a weapon. I’d rather it just add up and hopefully it’ll catch up to him at some point.

I start my job on Tuesday. Hopefully get my laptop on Monday. I know my caseworker is hoping that my job is going to happen before then so I won’t get it but I’m not giving up yet. I don’t know as of now if I’ll get another payment for January or not. I just want out of there so bad that I just don’t even care if I get any more money or that laptop. Those people really piss me off because they lack compassion and professionalism.

One of the things that gets to me about DBD is how he’s always talked to me with hate and abuse but I’m just to take it. It shouldn’t ever affect him taking my child when I think about how much he hates me and worry that he’s going to take it out on her. I don’t agree with the abuse I’ve endured and then the guy is MIA for months at a time and then I get no warning for him showing up at random to see her and then if she starts having behavioral issues, they are going to look at me because I’m the parent! If I would have known about him visiting, I would have made them aware so then if she were to act up, it’s easier to pinpoint why. He gets to fling himself in and out and I’m left with the issues he caused.

I think he should worry more about getting himself in a good place where he could think about being a parent or even seeing her consistently at school. It’s like we are all to forget that he can’t take care of her whatsoever but I should still be super open to him taking her will nill. That’s ridiculous. It’s like I was telling my friend earlier that being a single Mom is already restrictive, but then if she does with her Dad I don’t get a time of drop off so I’m to sit at home by myself waiting for her. I think if him taking her is not only to not be a help to me, but be really inconvenient and he gets to control my time that he doesn’t need to be taking her. It’s not really doing much for him to take her for a couple of hours every few months anyway. The more he is absent, the less my daughter gives a shit.

I’m all for a court order because then there’s actual times for pick up and drop offs. I wouldn’t EVER expect him to just sit at home waiting for her because I feel the need to control his time. I also wasn’t ever comfortable with him taking her where I don’t trust him and I was expected to put my trust in this woman who I didn’t even get to meet beforehand and then my daughter tells me about dog shit all over her house, pull ups, gummies, how they were ‘broke’ and couldn’t afford food and how he slept all day and didn’t pay attention to her at all. I will NEVER allow any of this shit to go on again.