Content vs Context in Current Events

I’ve been a hoe on the go, as we know. Yesterday while I was getting ready to visit Bev and her kids, I saw how filthy my apartment was. My bedroom, my bathroom, the appliances in the kitchen. I haven’t even washed my hair in a few days. I feel inside out because my world matches my insides. Unkept and uninviting. I really felt like I’ve let myself go. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. Life happens. I get to dial it all in today. My worse is most peoples best. My place is known to be immaculate.

I really started to feel sad when I got home. The back of my head was throbbing, I knew what it was from where my jacked up and busted hairline is. They don’t tell you that it hurts. I suppose I should get some DHT blockers. It’s just more stuff I’m not dealing with. I guess I felt sad because I feel betrayed by my body. This is not a battle I wanted on my plate. I’m just a control freak and this is something out of my control.

I don’t have any excuses today. I have all the time in the world. I did not book myself to do anything. I’ll take care of things. Get the ball rolling. Starting with burning all of my energy at the gym, naturally.

Another fun thing is that I’ve been getting those episodes of anger. I just want to fight a bitch. Is this andropause? It wasn’t so bad. Felt more like frustration than what it did last month or so when I was really feeling it. Felt like I was in my villain era then. I’m back in the role I was born for, of course. The victim! The role of lifetime.

I was thinking about hustle culture on my way home from Bev’s. Well, not so much about hustle culture but how I am doing so much right but I am still fucked up. I wouldn’t trade my problems with anyone, I have great problems but you know what I mean. When I turned 30 I quit smoking. I quit eggs, meat & dairy. I recently quit coffee, normal coffee at least and I’ve quit drinking. I haven’t had any since October. Not that I quit, I just like my CBD oil instead. Connie, a coworker, makes her own THC oil and is going to give me a sample size. I digress. I also get up at 4:30 AM everyday for work. I do the gym thing. This is the stuff that people say creates happiness. It’s all just content. It’s the context that generates happiness. I haven’t been putting any work into the context I give anything. I keep myself radically distracted. I need to dive deep into myself and see what’s there.

At the very least, I know what my calling is. The nature of human desire is expansion. I know what I’m meant to expand into but it’s way out of my comfort zone. When I’m not in my purpose I feel the way I always feel, heavy. When I’m near my purpose I feel light as feather. I keep putting it on the back burner and then life crushes my soul, as if I’m being punished.

Gotta get my head right today. I’m going to hit the gym and get on with my day already.