Still kicking in Vulnerability

I’m kind of almost at my wit’s end, it feels like sometimes. I’ve found I’m generally okay for the first few hours of a morning, and then I don’t know if it’s the humid weather or what, but I decline as the day progresses. Yesterday was bareable and I got through another week at work, but today I had off and it’s been a bit rough, again. I’m also deflated knowing that today is day 11 of this shit, and my doctor told me it should fuck off after 7-10 days, so that’s got me a bit down as well. Good news is that I’m learning what to expect, to feel dizzy and to feel like shit. I got to late afternoon today and I thought I was going to need to pop another anti-dizzy pill, but I forced myself not to, and went for a walk instead to the local park with my picnic blanket. I did this last night too, but to a different area of the river, which was nice enough. I signed up for a year’s free trial of an anti-anxiety app because I figured why not, it’s free. I’ve done three days of it and I’m not expecting much from it, but might as well. The dizziness makes me feel like shit, which sets off anxiety, which is then another spiral in itself. I’ve also taken Kylie’s advice and am popping a ‘Seremind’ lavender pill each evening. Nothing has come from that yet, although I haven’t had another full-blown panic attack again just yet, although I managed to fight one off on I think it was Saturday night, to some success I guess. So might as well keep taking those. It’s the anti-dizzy pills I want to try and avoid unless I absolutely need them. It’s just that all the research I’ve been doing leads to trying to be as normal, or natural, as possible, so I went for a walk, and once I sat down in the park, the breeze was really nice, people were walking their dogs. I always walk to the far park so that I can actually sit down without being bowled over by an off-lease doggo, and so far so good. The issue I had today is the fucking ants decided to join me on the picnic rug. I never know where their nests are in the grass. So upon seeing the ants crawling over me and onto my rug, that set off an anxiety as well lol. I can’t win. I moved to a different area of the park and there were less ants but a few. I listened to my anti-anxiety app whilst there. It’s very basic so far. I’m skeptical because I don’t think the ‘Mojo’ app did anything for me earlier in the year, but I did appreciate the meditation side of it, which this app mostly is, so, never know.
Google tells me that if I’m still feeling dizzy after three weeks to go back to my doctor and request an ENT referral, so I suppose putting up with this in hope for a while longer (ergh) and doing that is my next step.

Another problem with feeling like shit and there being ‘Black Friday’ and ‘Cyber Monday’ sales on at the moment has meant I’m spending money. Might as well spend it if this fucking thing is gonna kill me, right? I wore my Archies slides to the park, and although they have improved a little by not sliding off my feet as much since I readjusted them a little, they are still rubbing on the inside of both of my feet, and causing the start of blisters, which is annoying. I’ve tried strecthing them like the website says to do but I’m still having the issue. It’s still early days of wearing them in and I won’t give up on them just yet, but I should have gone with the thongs instead of these slides.
Having said that, I have purchased my first pair of Birkenstocks. Those Germans appear to be onto something, if the reviews are anything to go by. Plus the recommendations here. The issue with Birkenstocks is I can hardly find anything in my huge feet size. There are no sneaker options :( I found one single Jesus-sandle variety that seems to be in my size, although apparently Birkenstocks “run large”, so that is a promising sign, but I won’t know for sure until they arrive. I did score them for $80, which is the same price I paid for the Archies slides. As for the Brooks shoes, the jury is still out. I certainly don’t feel them on the arch of my foot like they claim to, but again, it’s early days. I know I am at least making an effort to fix the pain in my right foot, which is being replaced by the blisters from the slides lol.

The dizziness is scaring me, and my new housemate moves in this coming weekend. So I’ve been texting him as well trying to organize his move-in, and making sure my current housemate has tied up his loose ends before he starts moving out tomorrow. I said I can help the new housemate move in on Sunday (as I’ve taken it off for my birthday party that evening) but I’m questioning if I’ll be able to. I can fake that I’m feeling okay I guess. I’m also down that I may have to call off my birthday party if I’m still feeling like shit. I’ve been ignoring the guy on level 4’s messages. He found me on Facebook somehow and has messaged me there wanting to hook up, but hooking up is hardly on the cards at the moment for me. I can’t enjoy myself when things are spinning.

I went to my work Christmas party on Saturday night, briefly. It was as boring as I expected. Barely anyone spoke to me, and I was feeling like shit. I tried to make myself look decent and wore jeans and a long-sleeve shirt and my blue Skechers, and one of my workmates said that I looked like I just got out of bed, so I guess I looked how I felt :(
Another guy said he liked my shoes though. I felt awkward and out of place the entire time I was there, even though these are my workmates. I used up my three free drink tokens on coke zero’s and hooked into some of the food on the table (the only reason I decided to go), and spoke awkwardly for a few minutes mostly with some people I immediately work with. Cameron was looking cute as always, and dresses like an emo outside of work, which I kind of guessed. They handed out the work awards, which were ‘Couch potato - the person we always see asleep on the couch in the lunchroom’ (I hate this award, as it’s basically rewarding laziness), and ‘most valuable player’ which went to an Asian lady in the deli, which was actually really lovely as it was her first ever work Christmas party and she was excited about it. Which was the complete opposite of me lol. There were a few other awards. I didn’t get any. Oh well. A couple of the work-gays hung around me and one took a few photos, but I haven’t seen them anywhere, so I guess I looked terrible in them, although I thought I looked okay in the front-facing camera at the time. Mind you I am dizzy, so I was probably deluded lol. One kept asking me questions but his accent was hard to understand, so that didn’t really go anywhere, and the other Indian one was nice and took my number in case I had a fall or something, so that was sweet.

I found out at work the next day that one of the nightfillers went after I had left, and I probably would have had more fun with him around, but yeah I took off as soon as it started lightly raining and that was a good enough excuse for me to hightail it out of there, and I caught the bus home. I made sure I was sitting forward, as I would have thrown up if I were seated backward or sideways I think.

I’ve had a few good-ish days for a few hours at a time, and that’s all the hope I’ve been clinging on to at the moment. That something is normalish feeling, as short as it lasts.
So much for taking a week off after this week for my birthday. I don’t think I’ll able to do much. I saw there are some amazing deals in Tasmania at the moment, but the thought of even trying to sit through a 4-hour flight at the moment fills me with dread. If I go anywhere, it may be my usual train trip to the Gold Coast, with is a bit over an hour. Hopefully, if I had a turn for the worst down there that their hospital isn’t as useless as the one near my place. But yeah, not holding my breath. Maybe I should cancel my party and not make any plans and feel depressed instead. Wouldn’t be anything unusual.
I’m still absolutely furious that the worst side-effect of all this is feeling like I want to die. It’s an actual fucking side-effect, not of the medication but of the condition, from what I’ve been reading up about labrynthitis. I mean, how fucking mean is that? I mean, it’s not like I haven’t had thoughts of death before but usually I think rationally about it and it (thankfully) goes away, but add in this fucking dizziness that not only throws a few panic attacks in my direction, but tells me to end it all while I’m at it? MAN.

Last updated November 27, 2023