Bad mood. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got my daughter to school, breakfast. Came home, talked to my friend on the phone and then went to my thing. There was something said about them giving people laptops to take home. I send a text about it and she like comes in and basically calls me out in front of everyone. She made a couple of jokes but I felt attacked. I was already forming a bad mood before this and now I have since came home, made fajitas and I’m still in a shitty mood.

I’m angry that the job still hasn’t called. Tomorrow will be 10 days since I’ve done the fingerprinting and if I don’t get hired, I don’t know where else to even apply because my hours are so limited. I’ve wasted so many miles on my car and plenty of gas to interview for jobs and I’m just not getting anywhere. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to be on TANF anymore and it’s getting to me having to be there.

It’s honestly bullshit that I have to be there in the fucking first place. If BD would have ever stepped up financially or at least physically, everything would be different. It’s hard to not get angry sometimes when I think about how different our lives would be now had I gotten the help and financial support needed to make a better life for us. Again, I’m very grateful for what we have and all that but this is not where I imagined my life at 38 years old. I used to have 3 cars that I paid for myself, kept them insured and drivable, I had a job where my ass was busted every single day. I worked so hard to maintain what we had and it all came crashing down.

Now, I don’t know what to do. The after school program isn’t reliable because they take days off for different reasons and then it’s trying to find a job that would be understanding. I also have to worry about 2 weeks off for Christmas where I won’t have childcare. This whole deal where I don’t have the help/support I need is really getting serious. I don’t have money for more car repairs so if it breaks down again, we’re going to be carless for quite some time. I can’t keep living like this.

I would really like for everyone to tell me exactly what to do. Where to turn. There’s so many jobs I’d love to apply for but the hours aren’t doable because I don’t have childcare for them. My anxiety is through the fucking roof today. I honestly am shaky, cold, and feel like I’m going to throw up. I am so fucking sick of these same problems every single day with no way out.

It’s absurd that I’ve been the full time, default parent since day 1 simply because someone doesn’t want to step up and they want to hurt me. My mental health has NEVER been considered in this with anyone. My family used to act like I had a mental problem if I asked for help with my daughter. PPD kicked my ass. I never had any help. I get that I’m a tough cookie, I’ve had to be but it kills me when I think back on going through my pregnancy by myself, he told me to have an abortion. He told my friend hundreds of times that he wanted to sign over his rights. He knew that this shit had to hurt and my daughter felt everything I did.

My friend and I were talking this morning about how yeah the shit is in the past but when every interaction with him is the same thing, it’s not the past. It’s the present. I get mad because I don’t feel that my concerns are ever relevant for anyone as to why I’m just done with all of it. I also get pissed that my brother wants me to be okay with shit that he wouldn’t be okay in a million years. He couldn’t handle what I have. It doesn’t matter that this guy has burned every single bridge possible but he’s adamant that he’s going to have his cake and eat it too.

I’m really stressed about money. I need to buy my daughter at least a couple of Christmas gifts and we need some stuff from the store. I’m super pissed that I get just a small amount of money every month and it’s definitely not enough. I’m angry that I had to spend so much to fix my car because now that money is gone and I don’t have a way to replace it. It makes me scared and really uncomfortable. I definitely would rather have a running vehicle than not but I just wish this wouldn’t have happened so close to Christmas. My daughter is so glad the car is back and literally was kissing it. We are both super grateful for it but I just wasn’t planning for the bill to be so high.

I’m just having a day where my bad mood is getting to me and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I can’t just be jobless anymore. I don’t want to be. I want to be working and knowing that I’m making a difference for my daughter and myself. I want to climb out of poverty so bad and I have to get a job to make that happen. I hate that all the people that should care the most, have done the least.

I just think until he’s in a place where he could even visit her on a regular basis at school then he should just drop off. He should worry about getting his life together before anything else. He’s made it impossible for me to want anything to do with him. If he was normal, that would bother him that I don’t have any contact at all.