Just Us in Journal

for Thanksgiving.
I shouldn’t say just us, because I actually feel really warm, full and content to have 2 days of DH home, nothing going on to cook to my delight and let the kids sink into relaxed dad time.
Also my son was crying just now- he’s been upset and a little dysregulated. He has had a bit of snot, not eating so much, a little shorter to upset, etc. He was playing rough with the cat and she scratched his foot- it’s not bad but he just cried and cried. I hugged him, have him smooches, got it cleaned, and he’s just still whiney. Lexi - little baby Lexi- crawled over and have him a hug. He stopped crying and feel asleep.
Oh my heart.
Gotta admit there are times when I have little patience. Crying for little reason, or a reason that I just can’t understand, is one of them. That’s a lack of empathy, I know. Can’t just tell a 3yo that he needs to just accept comfort or stop crying-! Haha if he could be wouldn’t be 3, eh?
I need to just stop myself from trying to manage the situation and simply be there with the discomfort.
Isn’t that my own complaint? Isn’t that my hypocrisy?
Of course it is.

More and more, I’m floored by the colossal emptiness of people. Not that I’m trying to sing my own praises. I’m aware of my own flaws and limitations. But I’m also aware, sometimes painfully or terrifyingly so, of the lack of awareness in almost every person I come into contact with.
A way to describe it might be the feeling one inevitably develops in stark darkness for the presence or absence of structures around. It’s quite like walking along with relative confidence with one arm outstretched, fingers trailing lightly along a guiding building, and very immediately walking into empty space, fingers losing any reference and seeming to search for the non-existent reassurance. A feeling of vast unknown emptiness enters ones mind in that moment, and truly anything could be in the darkness. Or nothing at all.
It’s unsettling.
I have developed a sort of safe space for myself- which is absolutely a need and a requirement I think to be a secure and nuturing mother to young children- wherein I have a few trusted people. That space got a LOT smaller with my deFOO. It got even smaller with DH’s deFOO. Now, it is so small that I daresay we are semi - hermit people.
So I had a massive contraction of my social circle. That previous social circle wasn’t chosen - it consisted of historical unchosen, largely involuntary relationships. Parents, grands, cousins, siblings, etc. When I brought voluntarism to bear, none of it survived my standards. Now, as I bring voluntarism with me into the world and look around, I feel the emptiness. I feel my fingers leave the guidance of firm structure and unconsciously reach into the void for some resistance. And find none.
Not everyone, though. I have one good friend. And she has boys my kid’s ages which is a huge relief and blessing. One other spark of consciousness in this vast, seemingly infinite void. It is somewhat terrifying. All those people… And barely anyone of them is conscious in a way that I would recognize. I suppose that is the only way the last 3 years could have occurred.