/Sigh in Journal

I am humbled.
I am more than humbled.
I am Humiliated.

I asked my unconscious. And. You know what? I did not respect it’s power. It did not worship it’s integrity. It had no thought for what my unconscious wanted. I was in all my naivete and self absorbed bubble of intellectual inquiry, totally oblivious to what really rules and maintains and creates me.
It’s not this thought dispenser at the top of my brain.
And, more than that, I am more than a little frustrated with myself. I feel wearied by my conceited thoughts. I believe them, or am tempted to believe them, in the face of overwhelming empirical reality. Which is of course, my unconscious.

Yesterday was wild.
I enjoyed a roller coaster ride of emotional backlash and slander. And I was plagued by disturbing dreams last night. The fog broke this morning. I am grateful. I feel relieved. I am now able to relax.
But still I am poignantly aware of my exhaustion. Mental, physical, emotional. This is the cost. This is the consequence. Why do I put myself through this?

Yesterday, in my usual way, I pissed off some people. Well. To be fair, they pissed themselves off, but I did point out some objective facts that they didn’t like. So during the exchange, I felt a sort of exhilaration. How far can I go? Can I have this conversation without breaking principle? Can I have integrity to reason? Will these women be backed into a canyon, and be crushed by the relentless onslaught of reality? Or will they escape with their hides intact through sophistry and deceit?
I failed utterly to respect my emotions. I plowed ahead with vain intellectual curiosity- nihilistic curiosity. My intellect and emotion were at odds; at war, more accurately.
These women align themselves with evil my unconscious warns me. They feel attacked! They feel the blunt force of unempathetic judgement! They squirm with the discomfort of their bad conscious. When they call me rude, blunt, ruthless, attacking, they are revealing only that their conscious is tortured. They say that I am rudely and unempathically… telling the truth.
Well then they are enemies of truth. They’ve displayed aggression. They’ve TOLD me honestly they are fully willing to dehumanize me without holding themselves to any standard whatsoever.
And what do I do? Stupidly, idiotically, vainly, with excessive pride and no respect, I ask them how far they’re willing to go?
What the hell can I expect? I displayed colossal lack of self respect. I begged to be terrorized. I asked to be mistreated.
Is it any wonder that they mistreat me?
I’m just as bad. I have the knowledge and ability. I’m more responsible. Don’t dangle cake in front of a fat person.

Yeesh. I have a long way to go.