Feelin' alright, spoke too soon in Vulnerability

I’m writing so often because I want to document how weird this situation is. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Is this what people on hard drugs feel like all the damn time? Moreso the come-down phase of it, I assume? I just feel like I’m on a constant come-down lol. So yeah, I think I’d prefer the hard drugs right about now. I could never.

I woke up this morning feeling amazing. Yep. I couldn’t believe it! I actually felt human. I almost felt like a veil had been lifted and I was back to how I used to be. I hadn’t felt like this in a week! This feeling lasted the entire day. I took my anti-dizzy pills to work just in case, but I didn’t need them. It was only a short shift today, so it was an easier day. I went to gym afterward. I was feeling good enough that I thought I might be able to ^gasp^ row. A movement exercise! I did it tentatively and only rowed 500 meters instead of my usual 1km, just in case. I did two other exercises, both non-movement ones. I still skipped the abs. I still felt pretty damn good.

Until tonight. I was pretty disappointed when I felt the feeling come on again. I told myself to stop being a shero and pop another dizzy pill. I was still proud that I had gone this long without feeling the need for one. The packet does say to take one ‘when needed’, and that’s what I’ve done. And now I am paranoid. I am trying not to psych myself into having another anxiety attack. I took the cholesterol pill at around 8am this morning - I took the anti-dizzy pill around 8pm tonight. It’s been about 40 minutes, the time it is meant to start working, but in my experience, it takes longer. I don’t feel great. I’m not shaking just yet. I was pacing around slowly, going out onto the balcony to get fresh air, breathing it in. It was nice. I made myself step away from the balcony edge, just in case. I do not need to have an attack whilst I am right there. I am hoping that I have spaced the pills out enough. I have read and re-read everything about if these pills interact with each other in my body, and nothing has come up. I have no reason other than my own feeling that this is what caused me to freak out last time. I don’t have anything else to go off of. Plus, I took both of these pills fine the first two times with no issue. Then I wondered if it just took until Day 3 for something to happen? There goes my fucking brain again. I just want to understand.

I guess the plan is to just force myself to lay down and close my eyes if this happens again, as that’s how I surprisingly made it through on Tuesday night.

My store manager asked if I am going to the Christmas party on Saturday night. I said it will depends how I feel at the time. I’m not going to be able to drink. That’s in 48 hours time. If I feel like I did this morning, I’ll be there. If I feel like I do now, I won’t be.
My manager and the ASM were just like, “You mean it’s still hanging around?” as though it’s nothing I’m going through. That’s when I said, “Oooo yeah,” and I explained how I’d had a complete anxiety attack on Tuesday night but that I was feeling okay. I get that they are excited and healthy and just want to get smashed at the Christmas party but I can’t be there if the room is fucking spinning and my anxiety is through the bloody roof, now can I?

Ergh, now to ride this out again. I’m self-aware that it was exactly a week ago that I checked myself into the hospital. At least I have meds now. I hope I feel amazing again in the morning.

Thank-you for your notes, they’ve been comforting.