Depress and reject in Vulnerability

I don’t know how tonight is going to go. I’ve booked for 16 but I think about 9 are coming. I have to count the ‘maybes’ as ‘no’s‘ on the invite list. But anyway, things have been bad, and good. I haven’t written in a few days because I was sick of moping in here, but it looks like I’m about to do more of that.

Where do I start? So, one of my workmates came to work with Covid on Friday. Wasn’t wearing a mask, but did go home, thankfully. I was only really in the locker room with him when we arrived to start our shifts, so I’ll probably go down with the Titanic soon lol. Anyway, because of that little incident, I’ll be taking a RAT before the party tonight, just in case. It’s all I can do in this new world of living. His housemate is the ASM at my store, so I was weary of hanging around him too, but he took a test and was negative, at that point in time anyway. Ergh, fuck Covid. It’s the last thing I need right now, but it’s a possibility.

My mother has been telling everyone about how ill I’ve been (as she’s the world’s biggest gossip) and it sounds like my relatives are giving their two cents. My aunty Tundra has apparently said that my symptoms are a side effect of Covid. Yes, I know that, but I didn’t have Covid this time, did I? Well, as far as I know. I took those two RAT’s right away when I first had the symptoms as that’s what I thought it was, but they both returned negative, plus I’ve had zero typical Covid symptoms, especially considering when I had it in March, I was in the fucking ER hooked up to all kinds of tubes trying to get my fluids back. But the hospital didn’t even give me a PCR. I guess they are just completely over it these days. I still can’t believe no-one was wearing masks, but anyway. So maybe I could have had a different strain of Covid, two false-negatives on my RATS and this has all been the fallout from that? But I really don’t think so, not after my diagnosis from my doctor and everything matching what he said it is.

Anyway, the good news is I’ve felt mostly less-dizzy for the past two days. I did the exercises that deliberately make me dizzy. They sure are uncomfortable. First I sit still and nod 10 times, then again with my eyes closed, then shake my head doing the same amount, then 45 degrees on either side, then stand up and do it, then walk heel-to-toe and do them. Horrid doing them, but I did then when I was feeling dizzy anyway. My head was spinning, but the next day when I woke up, I felt great! Went to work with only a few issues. I always have to hold the guard rails going up and down stairs, in case I go arse over tit. I don’t know if my new Brooks shoes are doing anything to help my sore foot, I can only keep at it I guess. I’m glad they are comfortable though.
My Birkenstocks still haven’t arrived, but that’s okay.
I felt a bit dizzy again the next day and yesterday was a bit of a bad day again, but compared to last week, I can say it’s an improvement. I even had a horny-day, meaning I noticed my libido was around again, which is usually a good sign I’m feeling better. But anyway, definitely no sexy-time.
It’s still taking some time to get used to taking a cholesterol tablet every day. Even now, I still have trouble taking tablets, even ones as small as they are. It takes me about four goes to get them down, but I know it’s either that or risk a fucking premature stroke.
The jury is still out on Seremind, but I am only eight days in to taking that. So yeah, taking two tablets a day has been fun, not. Thankfully they are small-ish as well. I haven’t had another anxiety/panic attack so I guess that’s something?

Work’s been good, and busy. Apparently quite a few of us are away this week, so they’ll be struggling. Not my problem, I’m not working my birthday. I told the ASM that I couldn’t drink with this condition and well as the medication and he told me to ‘take a teaspoon of cement’ lol.
I said, “Well that depends if you want to see me back here next week or not.’
I’m a bit worried to drink, although I’ve had a few better days. I don’t want to set it off again. Plus with how depressed I was yesterday, probably not a great idea. Maybe I can have mocktails.

I got home from work yesterday and my new housemate had moved in, or was still in the process of. He seems nice, although we did a bit of a mishap already. He kindly invited me out to a nearby brewery with ‘Georgia’ (the friend he was with when he checked out the room) and I said, ‘thank for the invite, I can, as I do have tomorrow off’, but then he left to go help her find a car-park and never came back, so then my thoughts spiraled thinking, “Oh maybe he was just being polite and actually wanted me to say ‘No?” Anyway, I’d dressed up and everything and he never came back and I decided to go for a walk. I even knew which brewery they were going to, but I didn’t want to just rock up there, so I walked all the way to The Wickham, which is the closest gay bar, but I got there and I felt stupid being by myself, it was PACKED, and people were drunk and loud and I was conscious that I couldn’t really drink anyway because apparently it can set off another dizzy spell.
I’ve purposely avoided caffeine for most of the week because I’ve convinced myself that it is a trigger, and from what I’ve read up about it, it certainly can be, plus I’ve felt better avoiding it, so I think I’m right. If I’m about to down some booze, it probably wouldn’t be the best idea. Plus I had my birthday dinner the following night anyway.
Anyway, so I got to the bar, then turned around and walked back toward the river. I thought I saw a guy check me out in my peripheral but I wasn’t sure.
I felt depressed. It wasn’t great. I teared up, whilst everyone walking by me was laughing and yelling and having fun, all in their groups, while I was the sad-sack walking alone. I was set on doing my mediation. I’ve been doing in every night for the past week. I popped into the local shop and got a drink to take with me to the river. I kept thinking what a fucking mess I am, and the thoughts continued spiraling. I wondered if anyone could see my tears in the reflection the street lights.
At least I was at the river alone, mostly. I managed to do the meditation without anyone walking by me, but I wasn’t that into it. I did it, but I wasn’t great. Plus it was another fucking humid night, holy shit. This weather is farrrked. After that, I ended up walking home, closed my windows and put my air conditioner on. The housemate was still out, his bathroom light still on. It was 9:30pm and still 26 degrees outside. I set it to 18 to try and cool down fast. I think it helped. I put on episodes of Neighbours to catch up on now that the new housemate has set up internet here. Mischa Barton has left the cast now, it seems.
He kindly gave me the username and password when I arrived home, but then we had our little misunderstanding. At least I hope that’s what it was.
In the meantime, while I haven’t had internet, I’ve been watching a few of my old DVD’s, including SLiDE, which is one of my favourite TV shows from 2011. It was filmed here in Brisbane and it’s cool seeing how much has changed and the venues that have since changed names. I finished re-watching that and moved onto my Little Britain DVD’s. I remembered how bad season 1 was and how much better season 2 was.

I’ve booked a trip away to the Gold Coast on Tuesday, just for a few nights. I think I wrote about it already, but I don’t trust myself getting on a plane. I think the take-off would make me throw up. It turns out some of my family will be on the Gold Coast next Sunday, two days after I come back, for the family Christmas lunch. I don’t really want to let them know I am there early, as mum will want to take advantage of that, and I won’t be able to enjoy my relaxing time. So I think I’ll just try and head back there on the Sunday. I keep forgetting my older brother lives on the Gold Coast. That’s how close we are lol. Not! But the GC is big enough for us not to run into each other. I really don’t think I’ll be doing a whole lot other than a few beach-walks for fresh air.

Anyway I better go adjust my booking for tonight from 16 down to about 10. I might make it 12 to be safe. I don’t know who’s going to just rock up, including my supposed best friend Vish who told me he isn’t coming. Who knows, I might take a RAT and it’ll come up positive this time and might have to cancel the whole thing.