Thanksgiving. in Since OD is shutting down....

I made breakfast for us and I drank some coffee. We probably won’t have anyone to hang out with us today. My brother and his family are going to his girlfriend’s Dad’s house so it’s going to be just me and my kid. I haven’t really heard from that guy and I’m okay with it. I was super uncomfortable when he mentioned staying the night tonight so I’m good with not talking to him anymore. I’m never into anyone spending the night, especially a stranger. Like I just know that I wouldn’t sleep.

My bad experiences have created a lot of trauma for me. I honestly can’t see myself ever being in a relationship ever again. I just don’t trust men. I hate that I’m like this but it’s not going to change.

I’m really sad because my daughter asked if there was anything we could go do today for Thanksgiving. Nothing is open and we don’t have a car to go anywhere. It sucks that we’re basically homebound until the car gets fixed.

I plan to call my caseworker on Monday and see if there’s anything they can do towards my car getting fixed. They might have another place that could get it in and fixed quicker and might even pay for it. We are still unsure of exactly what’s wrong. We think it may be the starter but we just don’t know. My brother said if it was the starter and I ordered it, I’d save money but it’s a bitch getting mail here at my house. The UPS drivers don’t even bother to stop or leave a note saying where my stuff got dropped off so that’s not an option.

This lack of car thing really sucks. There’s stuff I forgot to get while we were at the store yesterday and I only have enough quarters to do one load of laundry. I am just so frustrated with things. It’s going to be nice to start working and saving money for another car. I know that my car is getting old and has a shit ton of miles on it so I need to start planning to get into something else. It just sucks that I spent $400 on tires just a week ago.

The holidays just make me really sad and angry. We never have anyone to spend that time with and I definitely worry about how it affects my daughter. She told me last night that she wants us to have another human to hang out with today but there just isn’t anyone.

We’ve since had lunch. The temperature is slowly dropping and it’s supposed to snow. I’m not thrilled about that but it’s not like we have anywhere to go anyways.

I’m trying to be okay with not having my car but I have moments where I start to panic and get really upset. I’m really upset that it just had to break down before the holiday so it’s taking longer to have it looked at. I just want to have my freedom back. Life is really expensive when you have to rely on other people to get around. I definitely appreciate my brother coming in clutch because most of the time he’s pretty useless but hopefully I’ll not need much more help and the car will be back in a few days. I just hate that we’re stuck at home.

My kid is driving me crazy. I just go room to room and clean up her messes. I’ve done the dishes twice already today and just finished cleaning up the living room again. It’s going to be a long few days and it’s already been almost a week since she’s been at school. I really hate having no help here and she doesn’t have plans to go with her big sister until Saturday evening. I plan to get laundry done tomorrow. This sitting in the house is really a bummer.

I could have let her go with her ‘Dad’ and his girlfriend yesterday but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that because I refuse to have any type of contact with either one of them. I don’t think my kid is safe with them and I don’t want to worry about her the whole time she’s gone. The girlfriend herself has lost what credibility she had with me and she also chose to dip out of my daughter’s life so I don’t care for my kid to be around her either. I’m done trying to communicate with these fucking people and keep trying to fix things for my daughter’s benefit. They don’t care so I shouldn’t either. I never did get any type of response about the whole gummy, pull up, dog shit thing and that’s enough for me to just give up.

My Mom text to say Happy Thanksgiving. I didn’t respond. I just wonder what/if my brother has told them any of my personal business. I don’t want anything more being said about my kid’s DB. I feel she’s more protected the less they know. I didn’t realize up until last June that it’s probably not a good idea to badmouth her Dad because I have to worry about how that affects people’s behavior around her. I feel that it’s really important to pay attention to the company you keep and what you tell people. Vents can go into other rooms. I think everyone needs to be really aware of what they are saying about others and who they are saying it to.

My brother has a friend that doesn’t gossip at all. You even attempt to tell him ANYTHING about others and he’ll quickly shut you down. Like he’s just completely shut off. I wish I could be more like that. The less you know, the more unbothered you are. I think that’s a really admirable way to live life. I think if the majority of the world was incapable of drama and gossip, this whole planet would be a lot better place.

Christmas Vacation is on Hulu so we watched that. I love that movie. I made some popcorn and drank some more iced coffee. I was hoping my daughter would possibly nap but she didn’t. She’s busy playing on Snapchat right now.

But yeah that guy talked about getting my daughter Christmas presents and just HAD to talk about it in front of her. I was super annoyed because we probably will never speak again and my daughter isn’t going to forget him saying that so I’m going to be the one to deal with a devastated little girl when the guy doesn’t follow through. I just don’t get people and their future faking. It’s like I get that you are going to say whatever you need to in order to get where you want to be with me but then once that doesn’t happen, it’s my kid who’s going to be upset! I am just so tired of dealing with narcs!

I haven’t heard from him whatsoever today and I hope that I don’t ever again. I was super pissed about the love bombing and laying it on way too thick with my kid. I was getting irritated with him talking about spending the night. I barely even want people at my house, let alone staying the night. I don’t sleep at all when people are here and it’s because I don’t trust them. After BD stole that money from me, I’m not interested in anyone being here overnight. I just don’t understand why the fuck you can’t just hang out with someone and get the chance to actually get to know them. Why the fuck do men want everything to move at lightning speed! Like holy fuck dude, I don’t even know anything about you but I should be comfortable with you spending the night around my kid!?!

This was the first and only time a guy has been around my kid. My daughter really liked him because he was super nice to her and got her a toy. I am just annoyed that things went like they did. I explained to my daughter that some people come and stay and others come and go. That’s okay too. She’s fine with things now but she did ask earlier if he was coming tonight. I told her I didn’t think so but we’re doing just fine. We have TV, our phones, and we’re home safe and warm. We don’t worry about other people. Either they’re around or they’re not.