Mental into physical in Age 36

I don’t know what set me over the edge. I don’t know what exactly has me feeling this way. My head is full of thoughts about inadequacy, mainly that I am inadequate. I can’t quiet them. Then they get to a point where they are really loud, and that mental crescendo then wants to turn into a physical one. That is when I want to punch something, pinch myself really hard, take something and hit myself with it. I need a physical release of these emotions.

Its a very small relief because I’ll eventually feel this way again. But for right now it feels good. I am here journaling instead of doing that, and I have a therapist appointment tomorrow in which I think I should address this, but the craving to do something like I mentioned is still there, still unsatisfied.

I had a patient come in today. She had a baby about 5 months ago and had been feeling depressed more since then. She had said that yesterday she didn’t want to drive home from work because she was afraid she would “end things” while driving. She then said that she felt much the same today. I did everything a good nurse had to do, and then at the end of that I told her about myself in brief.

Seeing her and knowing, truly knowing what she was going through tore through me. It is still tearing through me. This is not my main issue, but it compounded. I saw her tears, I felt her pain, and I knew because I had lived it in my own skin, what she was feeling. It took my years, YEARS to be able to get to a point where I can recognize within myself when I will be going through and “episode” like now.

God how I pray that my patient gets the help that she needs and that she is pointed in the right path because this kind of pain sucks. I’ve been morose all day. Low energy. Feeling like absolute shit, as if I am not worth the dust that falls on me. Like I don’t make a difference to anyone. That I am not enough of a reason for anyone to feel proud.

I feel as though I am transitionary, So easily discarded and forgotten about. Like what is the point of me? I am not enough to have a true friend. I am not enough to keep the interest of another human. I am here for when I am useful, needed. Task worthy. Laundry, cooking, grocery store run, taking the kids places, doing what needs to be done to keep the house running.

I don’t want to phrase things this way because a person can very easily call it victim mentality, but does anyone like me for more than just the functions I can carry out? Is there more to me than just skills? I feel like a well trained robot that is there to carry out chores and needs. I have very much stopped feeling like a woman, hell, a human being.