Under the Surface in Current Events

I don’t feel in control. That is the source of my anxiety. I create a fake sense of control through various habits. Some can be productive but some can be destructive. This is where attachment issues come into play. I didn’t turn to alcohol to feel a false sense of control but I have my vices. I’ve let go of so many but it’s like cutting the head off a hydra. Two more grow back.

Procrastination is a habit I have which makes me feel in control. Intently doing anything but what I need to do. I used to have the disease to please, I didn’t need help if I was helping.

It’s not that deep bro.
My name is Tom and I self-sabotage.

I’m not sure what is happening inside of me. I feel high. I feel high all the time. Instead of the fiery passion that fuels ambition or the embers and fumes I run on when I’m depressed, my insides are just static. Every nerve feels electric. Like that spark I need to create change is just going off and going everywhere because it is going nowhere.

I have to force-feed myself because my stomach gets into knots. I’m not suffering, exactly. I got me. I just don’t know where I need balance.

I called in sick yesterday because I didn’t understand what I was feeling when I woke up. I slept a full 8 hours. Then I napped 4 times. My head feels like it is expanding. It’s like there is a resonance. It’s like something turned on. My breathing turned off for a moment, however. I couldn’t even gasp for air. It was like I just forgot how to take a breath. I couldn’t even make my brain work when I wrote my test. I flunked it, guaranteed. Two answers I didn’t even finish. I’ll have an opportunity to rewrite it one day.

I am in my gym clothes, I am waiting to see how my stomach feels before I leave. Not that anybody needs to know this but it’s like I am scared shitless. I have been voiding my bowels up to 4 times a day ever since I did that free trial of keto. It’s my nerves that have been triggering it, I feel. I say that because my anxiety makes me feel like I always have to go. I even did a coffee enema the other day and this is still happening. My stomach is finally not bloated so at least I’m winning this hunger game. Call me Flatness Everdeen.

You would think I missed a huge event yesterday at work with how concerned everyone was. My absence was deeply felt. They really do like me there. I feel like a rockstar, a queen bee. I did miss my interview for the store side. They will reschedule, it’s not like they warned me. My supervisor gave me a spiel about there being enough hours for me if I stay on her team. She really doesn’t want me to jump ship. To move to the store side. I don’t really want to either but I am a month away from my contract being up. They can give me a permanent part-time but that is the best they can do right now. There is also a new leadership role that is being piloted at a different location and she is dangling that in front of me as well. It would be a gamble to drop to part-time while I wait. Decisions decisions.

I relapsed even harder with my NoFap. I purchased $25 worth of content on Onlyfans because I don’t respect myself. I’m not in control here. I have to do something different. Do something someone else’s way. I have the discipline, I know I do. Why am I so weak here? Probably because this is what I’ve done to feel good whenever I felt like shit ever since I was… 5

I had a Nancy Drew moment yesterday. More like the Hardy Boys. The fire alarm went off yet again last night. When I got home from bombing my test, I saw our resident old crazy lady standing by the front door acting shady. We gave each other a look, I don’t know why she looked so sus. Then shortly after that, the alarm went off. I went to see if she pulled the switch on our floor and I ran into another neighbour. He was looking for somebody also. He heard the door to the hallway open, then the alarm went off and then he heard the door close. The dust was disturbed on the alarm on my floor where I saw the lady. I went up to his floor and there was one that was an older model. There was no glass to indicate if it was pulled or not but I could see that the dust was disturbed on it as well. I told my roommate about it and then I made the mistake of telling her that the crazy old lady was now at the back door staring outside and looking around at everybody with a pleased look on her face. She ran out into the hallway to confront her. She didn’t deny it but she didn’t say that she did it. She just went off about how she can’t listen to her TV too loud without police banging on the door. That’s not a thing, nobody is doing that to her. She also believes that the caretaker is breaking into her suite and moving her teas around. She is also very close with the ministry and she is going to ensure that she gets her justice with us all. In 10 years she will be in a grave and nobody is going to remember her. Fuck off! It was probably better that my roommate confronted her and not me.

My best friend, my main gal, she went and saw a comedy show and then DM’d the guy to say that she enjoyed the show and he made a pass at her. This triggered some latent PTSD which created tension between her and her partner. This turned into the best thing ever because now they are communicating better than ever. She is telling him everything, nothing held back. The trauma she suffered at the workplace where they met. She is even opening up to me and I am just in shock. If I had half a mind I would reach out to her boyfriend and let him know that I am willing to hide a body or two. This is just heavy stuff and I am trying to be strong enough for her right now.

I had a dream that I was dating someone. Well, I went on one date. Some redhead. I woke up feeling like I wanted somebody. I just want to have somebody on my side, always. RIP my love life.

Anyway, my gut feels well enough to go to the gym but I just remembered that my core is sore from the abdominal machine that I used last time. I can’t do anything that requires me to engage my core… which is everything. I’ll see how this turns out. I tried to use my pull-up bar yesterday and I just dropped to the floor immediately. It was like my stomach was just ripping apart. Blah! On with it then. It’s going to be so busy I can’t stand it and I’m not even there yet, lol.

Last updated November 22, 2023