Last day before break. in Since OD is shutting down....

I woke up a tad grumpy this morning and got my daughter to school. I got some stuff at the grocery store and bought cat food. There’s a pair of shoes I want to get for her but there’s 2 different styles and I want her to pick her own because whatever I pick she would want the other. I’ve been sweeping, mopping, spraying down counters and cleaning up the house before she goes on break. It sucks that we don’t really have plans for the break but we’ll get through. I got cookie dough and popcorn so we can do some baking and watching movies.

It’s really nice out today and I have been super busy cleaning up the house before I take a shower. I am hoping that her big sister will take her at some point. She asked this morning and I told her we’ll have to see. It’s been about 3 week so maybe this weekend. I’m hoping we’ll be able to keep busy.

I’ve thought a lot about the court order thing and I really do hope he goes through with it. I honestly believe that it could motivate him to actually step up and be a parent if he felt he had some rights. I try to understand where he’s coming from which is super hard because he doesn’t want the responsibility of a child but if he was in a place where he could plan to have her maybe things would be different. I honestly think he’d go get a court order and still not see her simply because he wants to feel that I’d have to be reaching out to him for his parenting time or just so that maybe CS would get lowered if he had time on paper. The threats of court isn’t out of frustration for him, it’s more about controlling and having access to me.

All I know is that I just hope if we do go to court, that the judge is going to look at his living situation and how he can’t provide for her financially and he doesn’t have a car. I’m really worried that it would just end up super inconvenient for me because he has no safe, clean place to have her and he doesn’t have his own transportation. I just seriously worry how much of this could end up going in his favor considering he doesn’t pay CS and obviously doesn’t have to.

Anytime he’s ever taken her it’s to be disruptive, inconvenient for me with a bit of control mixed in. Like when they were getting her after school back in May. He knew I was sitting at home waiting for her and it wasn’t helping me for him to have her because if he wouldn’t have taken her, she would have still been at school! He LIKED knowing I was at home by myself waiting for them to bring her back because we needed to get her bath and to bed. He acted like it was just me controlling things by saying she was to be home by 7 because we need to worry about the fact that it’s a school night. He never understood because he doesn’t have the actual responsibility that I have!

So I got the call. I do my fingerprints Monday afternoon. I asked and I’ll be able to take my daughter with me. I will have to do the onboarding again but it’s whatever. I think this job would be the absolute best fit for me. I’ll work with my daughter and that’s going to be super fun. I’m definitely nervous but I think that it would be great for both of us. I won’t have to worry about a babysitter whatsoever. We’ll have the same schedule which is going to be fantastic. It’s only about 3.5 hours a day and then full time for a couple of months during the Summer and then we’ll have a month off to do whatever we want.

This is the second Friday in a row where my daughter went to school and I didn’t have to deal with the TANF thing. I’m low key hoping that I’ll be able to get one more payment and the extra payment before I bounce out of there. I literally can’t wait to be done with that shit. I have so many issues with how that program is ran starting with how they bad mouth every single one of us and I just think that’s really unprofessional. The girl that drove me to my appointment yesterday was telling me how they didn’t like how another girl went to the job fair and was only there like 5 minutes. I was only there like 10 but I talked to 5 different employers. Like how long did they expect for us to be in there?!

It’s going to be a great day when I know I’m never going to walk in there again. I plan to keep this job with the school as long as possible so I never have to apply for TANF again. It’s just mind boggling to me how women sit in there month after month year after year and have no real plan to ever advance. They don’t want jobs because it’s easier to sit in that room and just hang out then climb out of it. If you settle in your set back, it’s always going to be a set back. Another thing, you don’t get enough money to ever save or lease a car being on TANF. There’s women that don’t have cars and don’t even have a DL.

I just keep thinking about not having to be on TANF anymore and be able to drop my daughter off at school and do my own thing. I’ll be able to eat, drink my coffee, shower and just have time for myself before going to work. I’ll still be able to make appointments, run errands and have ‘me’ time. I can’t believe that things are going to start making sense. I’m definitely nervous but my daughter will be there and that’s going to be a big help. She’s not shy so I think I’ll be a lot more outgoing then I usually am. My daughter and I will have the exact same schedule and that’s a huge selling point.

I remember just a couple of weeks ago just how many job interviews I’ve had and I didn’t know what to be more pissed about. These jobs that just want your whole life to revolve around being at work or the fact that I didn’t have to childcare to make that happen. I also wasn’t interested in working full time because of my back issues and I don’t know if I’d be able to handle that mentally. I remember my last job that I was at for 7 years where I had NO LIFE outside of it at all. I NEED to have that work/life balance now.

The lady said they are wanting me to start the week after next so hopefully I’ll get a call or an email after I do fingerprinting to let me know when so I can let TANF know and be able to pinpoint how much more time I’ll have to be there. I’m really praying to God that it won’t be more than a couple of days. I basically just sit in there and look at the same job postings on Indeed over and over again for 2 hours. I just want to know how this is all going to play out so I can plan on not having to be in that room anymore.

I just think that if women are on TANF and their kids are school age, they should get jobs through the district because then you have the same schedule as your kids and then you don’t have to worry about childcare. I know for me, I’m not willing to reach out over Facebook in search of a babysitter because people are greedy and I don’t trust strangers with my child. I thought about all this the other day when I was applying for day time jobs where if there’s no school, I would have to trust a random with my kid and then I’m basically paying to keep my job. That’s pointless to me. Now that my daughter is school age, I would really like to not have to pay for childcare anymore.

It does piss me off that my Mom is of absolute no help with my child. Whether it’s because of my Dad or not, she’s choosing to miss out on a really awesome kid. I am just so happy to have gotten this job and I won’t have to worry about asking for any kind of help. No one helps anyway but I think the stress of having a job is going to be at the bare minimum knowing I can work and not have to ever worry that I’ll need help. I think my Dad has taken advantage of the fact that BD isn’t around and he’s used my Mother to gain access to my kid. I definitely believe that he’s a predator and whether my Mom wants to accept that or not, I am going to do whatever I have to do in order to maintain my daughter’s safety. It’s bullshit that my Mom can’t come over or babysit because then there’s that threat of him having to come with her because he’s hell bent to be around my Mom every second but I won’t deal with it.

I don’t care if he needs to babysit my Mom or not, I am not going to risk my child’s safety. He’s got a lot of mental problems that have never been addressed. I remember about a year and a half ago when my Mom reported him for suspected child porn on his phone and the cops came and checked. He of course knew that my Mom may have tried to bring this to light and that’s why he more than likely deleted everything but he has also gained full mind control over her again so I don’t trust her either. I told her back in July that I don’t trust her judgement because she’s been around him for too long. I don’t believe she would tell me if something happened. I remember him coming over and he was flipping out about all this and I wish I would have told him that the cops said I need to get my daughter in for sexual abuse counseling.

It’s been said to him several times by my Mom that I don’t want him around my child. I remember a couple times him saying that he’d come over with her to babysit where I would just go silent and it’s weird how he acts like he doesn’t pick up on that shit. I think he likes to pretend that he’s just so unaware of shit so keep pushing the line in hopes that you just quit bringing it up and just go along with everything like my Mom does. Well, unlike her I do think for myself and have a mind of my own so I will not be going along with my daughter being around an unsafe adult.

My friend told me once that I have to forget about what he’s done to me. I overall feel that I have but I’ll be damned for the same shit to happen with my child. He is either screaming and scaring the shit out of her or he’s trying to be weird. Even at the beginning of September when he were at their house, I was getting annoyed. It’s like he intentionally does shit waiting for me to blow up so he can sit and play stupid. I don’t want him around my child especially if I’m not present. That’s just the way it is. If my Mom wants to let that piece of garbage run her life and make it to where she’s not allowed to have boundaries there’s not a damn thing I can do but I am going to stand firm on my boundaries.

He’s always made sure that I don’t have a relationship or any regular contact with my Mom and I don’t really care much anymore other than it sucks for my daughter. I know that she would love to see my Mom more and be able to hang out with her but she also knows that we don’t see my Mom unless he’s right there with her. I’d honestly rather my Mom be absent for a lot of reasons and because I don’t want my daughter growing thinking that your spouse needs to be with you every minute of the day. That shit isn’t normal nor is it healthy.

My Dad is ALWAYS going to make sure that he’s going to create the wedge and maintain it. I just don’t care anymore. It’s like you win dude. My Mom has done so much to me that I don’t care to have a relationship with her especially knowing he’s always going to have a hand in it.