Thank you, Friends! More of my stuff.... in A New Beginning

I was so surprised to see all my notes! I have cried a lot in the last 24 hours so I really needed all that lifting-up. THANK YOU!!!! I guess I should try to explain why I have been depressed. Maybe “overwhelmed” is a better word, but occasionally “depressed” really seems accurate. Let me just list stuff, since I never seem to be able to actually write an entry!
1. Joey’s lack of health insurance, which is especially worrisome because he has always (since he was a child) come down with various afflictions more than the rest of us. A lot of the time it’s “mystery illnesses,” like a day or two of random feeling queasy or sniffly or headachey. But then he manages to get hurt pretty often too!. About six weeks ago he nearly got his finger cut off, grabbing hold of some kind of tall marshgrass that was razor-sharp in the middle! He had to get stitches!! Then about three weeks ago he was out running and pulled a hamstring. Then three days ago he got up in the morning with bad pain in his testicle! (Sorry if that’s TMI!) Somehow it had gotten, uh, twisted around or something????? Some bizarre kind of thing that mostly just happens to OUR Son, anyway.... he had spent $250 to get his finger stitched up at Ambient Care, so we were wondering what his testicle problem might be and how much it would cost to get him cared for, because even though he’s been working for our farming neighbor, most days he only gets about three hours. He insists on paying us rent, but other than that spends NOTHING....and we, frankly, do not have savings. Our plan for our retirement consists of two state retirements and one military retirement plus investments....we have never made enough money to both save some AND do things, so we have always chosen to do things.

So anyway…there ya have it. I was worried about Joey’s health but, being realistic since reality IS where we live, also worried to a frazzle over HOW we were going to help, if he required anything costly. sigh

So I decided to do some online research and find out IF he really could somehow get affordable health insurance. I wanted to find out facts and then talk to him (AGAIN) about it. In order to get quotes of cost, I had to type in a phone number.

So (geez, this is starting to seem like a long story), the next day (since we decided to wait and see for a day, before going to Ambient Care), with Joey resting and icing his, er, testicle.....I came home from work to find Joey CURED! He had taken a nap and when he got up.....oh, forgive me but I am going to spare you ALL the details.....anyway, he was gingerly feeling and pressing around, trying to figure out why “one” was now up higher than the other.....when he felt a kinda pull feeling, and “it” came down and the pain was gone!! So apparently something had spontaneously gotten twisted, and whilst gingerly investigating, he untwisted it?? Well, THANK THE GODS was all I could say! And all was sooooo happy until the phone started ringing! Because that is when every insurance company in the world began calling! And I had not even mentioned it to Joey yet.

So....he didn’t get mad; he got sad, because although he can get insurance for around $50 a month apparently, he hates to spend that when he is barely bringing home $100 a week and can barely pay us any rent. We keep telling him we don’t mind a bit about the rent; but it makes him feel bad, as a man, he says, to always be receiving all this help from us and never being able to pay us “what he owes.” He said he worries that he’ll never have a real job or money again as long as he lives, which makes him often feel like life is no even worth living. That made me so sad....so, so sad.....I was just heartbroken, thinking that I had inadvertently made a sad time in his life even sadder. I really felt like my heart had broken. To think that my Son felt that way....heartbroken, hopeless.

Anyway, that was the biggest thing. It is stressful, helping Joey, loving him, trying to help guide him a bit without taking away the already-faltering self esteem.

I will write more soon. This has taken FOREVER, since we took a supper-break in the middle of my writing it. I do get weary of interruptions and distractions ALL THE TIME. Ack!!

blessings and hugs,
Nicky