What the hell is wrong with me in Age 36

I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I had such a great day with my kids yesterday. We went to this museum that my son loved and that my daughter got to play around in. I then saw my brother for dinner. Overall, it was a great day! I came home in good spirits. I should probably back pedal and say that my husband is going through some stuff.

In a nut shell he’s feeling the pressures of being a father and provider. Though this makes it sound very light, its not. On top of that he’s on vacation for the week (he is a teacher) and was saying that he just wanted a day where he didn’t have to take care of the kids or anything. Well, boom. Done. We went out. And then he says that the guilt he feels from not going and making memories kills him, but that he’s just so…tapped out. I told him to stay, that the kids were too little to really remember that he’s not there. That I prefer him mentally sound when we come back. I don’t think I found that.

And then this morning I woke up feeling…so melancholic, so depressed. I looked at my bank account and as much as I try to save and stay ahead. I can’t seem to catch a break. I’m going from paycheck to paycheck, seemingly just getting myself into more debt. I have to use the credit card to buy groceries and gas. I guess I am just over it. I’m much like him. I am also in a bind because I can work overtime, he can’t. I get messages all the time about the boss wanting people for overtime. I never pick up because he doesn’t want to be with the kids.

I also don’t drop them off at my mom’s because she already watches them when I scheduled. So damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. There’s not an easy thing to do. I feel so…trapped. The only way I am going is down because I feel as though I digging myself in a hole and its just getting deeper. The car payments won’t stop for another 3 years. My daughter goes to preschool part time and I am already behind on those payments.

I just want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I want to go to a time, hopefully not when I am dead, that I feel peace. That I don’t feel worry over these things anymore. That my spouse doesn’t feel as though he’s not enough as a man.