Breakthrough. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I’ve known for years my tendency to kind of shut down. I recognize it as a problem. Today, Elissa suggested that it’s a defense mechanism. It makes sense. I’m terrified of interpersonal conflict, and whenever such things arise, my emotions kind of shut down and I deal with things in a kind of cold, logical manner. I can completely sense it happen, but I haven’t quite figured out how to outthink it. I know to keep talking, as being silent just contributes to the problem.

In general, the process has worked in my favor over the years. What, there’s a problem? My default is to just not think about it. I zone out, and don’t think about it. It’s not that I don’t deal with things. Well, I deal with things NOW. I’ve certainly recognized the sense of relief when I bother dealing with things. But until I do deal with things, my defense mechanism is to NOT think about them. The problem is, I CAN’T do this for interpersonal stuff. Every time, it results with me shooting my mouth off, me being completely unempathetic, and the other person getting pissed and frustrated with me. Small things become big things because I literally can’t think nor understand what’s wrong.

Recognizing the cycle is a good step. Just need to next figure out how to work around this and bring me back to a point of emotional openness to deal with problems as they arise.