Cold, snow. in Since OD is shutting down....

We went to the Halloween thing last night. I did good on my feet for over an hour. I was just really hot and sick of the crowd. I just hate going to these kinds of things because it’s not enjoyable but I have to act like it is. My daughter had fun and that’s what matters. I just wish there was ever anyone to come with us. We stopped and got her new glasses and one of the girls I was in my program with said hi. I am just so glad to get that thing over with. I will be so glad when my daughter gets too old for this stuff. We’ve been doing this stuff for years and it’s going to be nice when she doesn’t want to anymore.

My brother was bugging me last night about her Dad taking her so I could go with them but it was because he wanted me to be the DD. My brother doesn’t care what I would deal with later having that guy around her. I think a lot of the time my brother gives me pretty good advice about my situation but there’s also those times where his advice comes from a very selfish place too. I just don’t want to go through what I did a year ago. I don’t like feeling that he just wants to get our daughter away from me so he can poison her mind and make things harder for us. He gets to create the problems and take no accountability.

We went and got breakfast this morning. I didn’t really want to because it’s cold and super early but it was a decent time. I’m glad to be back home and in where it’s warm. She’s supposed to go with her big sister and some point today to probably do a trunk or treat. There’s one I want to take her to later tonight but I don’t know if we will because it’s going to be super cold and people don’t know how to walk fast enough. I wish that the cold weather wouldn’t hit until Halloween is over. I am not thrilled that we’ve already had snow.

I watch so many videos on Tik Tok about baby Daddies just like mine and it’s absolutely crazy just how common people like this are. I do believe that he wanted to get someone pregnant to feel someone is stuck with him and he’s bitter because this shit didn’t pan out for him like he was expecting. I never wanted him and still don’t so he doesn’t think he should have to be a Dad or help take care of her in any way. Men like this should really be charged with reproductive abuse and abandonment. It should be a crime to neglect your children and put all the responsibility on someone else while you get to live a carefree life.

Sometimes I just get really sad that my daughter doesn’t know what it is to have her other parent. She doesn’t even bring him up anymore. I don’t remember the last time she said she missed him. It’s crazy that she’s just so adjusted to his absence. There’s times where I consider trying again but then I see him planning nights out at the bar and even if I did try to message him, he’ll just be mean because he doesn’t want anything to interfere with his fun. He isn’t capable of being a Dad. He’s just around when he wants and when it means him clout chasing and playing games at my daughter’s emotional expense.

I still think about all the money that’s owed to my child and the judge letting him out without paying a fucking dime. I feel like the courts aren’t thinking of the kids being affected by these situations. As a parent, you can only do so much by yourself. I’m only one person and I can’t be in 2 places at once. I can’t be at work and take care of my child at the same time and that’s why I don’t want my daughter seeing him. I can’t risk her having issues at school again because of his need to create drama. I am sick of the problems he creates and I’m just silent. I choose to just keep my mouth shut when he’s made everyone around him believe that I’m the bad guy. I feel that he’s created enough problems that I’m not going to let him do it where my child is concerned.

I think I’ll wait until the court date on December 7th and then just tell them that if he’s still not working to not bother issuing another warrant or court date. He’s never going to pay it regardless. There’s no point in attempting to enforce when they’re just going to let him out of jail without paying anything. If he has a warrant and a potential employer runs the background check and finds the warrant then that helps keep him from working. Until he runs out of enablers and is able to keep being a freeloader, he’ll never have to work.

I went through my whole pregnancy alone while he told me to have an abortion, talked to me like I was absolute trash, I had to get a protection order against him as he threatened to kill me and I’ve raised my child by myself all this time. He has always lived in the same town as us and usually within a mile away and didn’t give a fuck about seeing her until May of last year when he hooked up with some girl that had money and a car to help him see her. Now that he’s back, there’s still zero effort made and if there is effort made, it would require me to be around him and give him rides. I think it’s enough for me to agree to allow visits, I refuse to put up with him in my home and my vehicle.

My brother is so quick to say for me to just let him see her because it isn’t him to deal with the aftermath. I asked him the other day if I let him see her and then she starts having problems in school, does he want me to have them call him so he can leave work early to go get her? He was pretty silent after that. I just don’t get how he goes from saying that we need to just leave it alone to me allowing visits knowing what comes afterwards. I just don’t think anyone really understands what this is like for my daughter and myself. I don’t think I should prioritize someone who doesn’t prioritize their own child and if they do, it’s just for their own benefit.

My daughter is go do a trunk or treat with her big sister about 3:30 but it’s super cold and snowing. I know the thing is indoors but I worry about how much it could snow before then. It’s very light snow right now but that could change within a moments notice. I just know she’s going to be super bummed if she doesn’t get to. I am just going to pray for the best.

Then the friend I have that lives about 6 hours away called a couple days ago. It’s just crazy how he got his rent paid for the next 2 months and his electric as well but still charges his Mom and brother rent money! He also gets state health insurance when he doesn’t have dependents and isn’t elderly. It’s just crazy how he’s always made sure to get out of paying bills. I still believe that he’s probably got one helluva nest egg somewhere. It’s actually pretty disgusting that he’s getting almost all the benefits I am when he doesn’t have dependents. He barely sees his kids but they aren’t biologically his nor does he pay CS.

I definitely agree with my brother when he sits around bitching about how the government makes it easy for people to not work. I get it but then I look at my situation and I know what my barriers are. It’s pretty annoying that the Dad could help with his child but chooses not to and doesn’t even have to worry about the financial part of it either. I used to work my ass off when my kid was in daycare and it was easier then because her schedule revolved around mine but now that she’s in school, it’s harder because I have to stay mindful of days where there isn’t school or she doesn’t have her after school program.

So when I applied at that job, I applied to work 11am-2pm Monday through Friday but then when I interviewed yesterday, the guy asked my availability and I just blurted out that I could work 9am-2pm Monday through Friday so I’m going to have to make sure they understand that’s all I want is just 3 hours a day because I still don’t know about being on my feet for 5 hours and I don’t want to just be miserable and worry that I’m going to collapse.

I just want to get out of that room as fast as I possibly can and have a little job. I just don’t want to take on more than I can handle physically. It would be nice to not have to worry about it whatsoever but I don’t know what’s going to happen with disability. For now, I’d like to just get a little job where it’s within school hours and make my own money. I miss having a job to go to, co workers to bitch about and spending money that I earn. I want to climb out of all of this and the only way that’s going to happen is by me having a job.

We’ve made lunch but haven’t eaten yet. My daughter helped and she’s always so proud of herself. I like that she helps because it’s teaching independence. She’s also doing great in school. I’m glad it’s the weekend and we can just hang out. I know we get bored but I also like her to relax and decompress too. She napped yesterday which was good. I doubt she’ll nap today because she’s excited to go with her big sister. It’s still lightly snowing but I don’t think it’s going to stick to the roads. I need to get laundry done but I’ll probably do that tomorrow.

I haven’t heard from my Mom since she called a couple weeks ago to be in my business. I think she’s figured out that I’m not going to give out any information for them to gossip over. My business is just that and we are going to stay out of it. My Mom has never been much of a Mom or even a grandmother so I’d rather she just go away. I just don’t like people calling and rudely asking personal shit when you know they don’t care, they are just bored and want something to talk about.

My daughter is doing great at school and her afterschool program. I like that she’s in a really good head space and I want to continue with all of that because it definitely eases my stress. I don’t need anything to hinder me from getting a job. I’ve had one set back after another for so long that I’m not going to invite her Dad around and party with the demons. I like that he’s just not around and my daughter doesn’t even ask. We are doing just fine and that is such a blessing. We’re happy and thriving.

There’s a Facebook page I follow about CS and how they basically shame Mom’s for wanting the Dad’s to contribute to their children and how CS is unconstitutional and all this bullshit. OKay well CS is to offset things such as sick days, no school, and when the custodial parent has to pick kids up early and lose money at work. That’s where CS comes in. CS is to be a reimburse the custodial parent for what they’ve already spent and honestly, to pay for your freedom! When you get to take whatever job you want and work whatever schedule, that’s paying for freedom. I sit here not able to work at the place I’d like to because I don’t have childcare! I think all these men that bitch about CS on top of not being an active parent are nothing more than fucking cry babies. They don’t carry the mental load and have to worry about dr appointments, dentist appointments, school activities, sick days, holidays, or making sure dinner is cooked every night along with bath and bedtime.

I think there should be more custodial Dad’s in the world because maybe word would get around about how fucking hard it is to take care of a kid by yourself while the other parent gets to live care free. I seriously applaud all the single Dad’s in the world. Parenting is the hardest