It's the weekend. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my daughter didn’t have school yesterday for parent teacher conferences. We went and did breakfast, got stuff at the store and then went to the park. I got her a new bedding set that she loved and spent time laying in her bed playing on her phone. I made meatballs for dinner. We then went with my brother to walk around another town and the kids weren’t super impressed but it did get them out of the house.

BD messaged my brother saying he just got out of jail and he’d like to see our child. I mentioned the whole weekend thing and he was down to take her. I was to unblock him so they could talk but I haven’t done that yet. I just don’t want to go down that same dead end road that just leads to chaos and confusion. My child doesn’t mention him much yet again and I just don’t know if it’s good for her to see him.

I would just like to know if he’s planning on getting a job now and start making sense of his own life. Part of me would like to unblock him just to see what he has to say. I just think until he’s in a good headspace and is able to be a constant in her life that we need to leave well enough alone. Again, I want my daughter to see the truth but I also hesitate on exposing her to any more bullshit too. I know that it’s best that she is able to make her own opinion but I also get tired of having to worry about her safety and well being.

There’s just always been so many issues with him taking her and after the latest crap where they were giving her gummies and putting her in a pull up behind a locked door, I have even more concerns. I know that he’s not with her anymore and is back living with his sister but there would have to be a serious conversation about what’s right for my kid. I just don’t want to have to talk to him or be around him. Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.

My brother doesn’t like to be involved and really does try his best to stay out of all this but I don’t think he completely understands just how abusive and nasty that guy has been and that’s why I refuse to talk to him directly. My brother also made him aware of me saying that I don’t want him bad mouthing me to our child anymore. That’s why I cut off contact 2 months ago. I get that he does it because he’s waiting for our kid to tell me and he can get a reaction but he fails to care how it affects her. He sits there talking shit about me KNOWING that she is to come back and live with me which probably makes her really anxious! I can’t even imagine how she feels to hear terrible things about me and then have to come back home.

I admit, I’d love to know who posted his bond because depending on who it was, there might be a better chance of him getting a job to pay them back. I’m sure they would made aware that it’s non refundable. I’ve been told that there will be a hearing in a month to forfeit the bond to CS but I won’t get it because of TANF. I just would like to know if he’s going to work because then I won’t have to plan to do the whole TANF thing forever.

So I have 2 job interviews on Monday morning. I’m really hoping to get a job because I don’t want to sit around by myself in my house anymore and I’d like to have something to do. I’ve gotten way too used to being by myself but then I get bored and lonely. I want the chance to talk to other people and possibly make friends.

I’m really thinking about unblocking him and see how it goes but I’m also really concerned because I let him come around a year ago and then she had serious behavioral issues at school for about 6 weeks afterwards. I was getting phone calls every single day and having to pick her up and then dealt with her getting suspended a couple of times. I’m just too worried about all of that happening again, especially with me getting a job. I wouldn’t have been able to hold down a job last year because of all that and I just don’t want to do anything that’s going to jeopardize me being able to work.

Another issue he creates problems and then doesn’t take accountability for it or has to deal with the aftermath. I remember how he was aware of her issues last year and then still twisted it into being my fault. He’s just a rotten person. He fails to understand that his in and out bullshit really affects her and I just don’t know what I could do to help her except to tell her not to ever expect him to be around. I know that kids get older and they don’t mind the in and out because that’s all they’ve ever known but she isn’t there yet. Once she sees him, she has expectations. He thinks that once she gets back home to Mom that she just forgets about him and turns off her feelings but that doesn’t happen.

She doesn’t mention him very much because she’s used to his absence and I just don’t really want to open that can of worms again. I know that once she’s aware that he lives back in our town again than she’s going to think she’ll see him more but that won’t happen.

My brother says that I should just take what I can get. If I’m accepting the bare minimum, so is my daughter. I’m honestly really tired of accepting the bare minimum. I’ve put up with more shit than I EVER should have. I just stumbled upon a message that his sister had sent my friend saying how she wasn’t going to give out her address and we can meet up at a park or nothing at all. Well when he’s asking to take my child to an undisclosed location in a situation such as this where I’ve never gotten the chance to trust him, he will not be taking her. I’m not even completely sure I was aware of the last chick’s address when they had her.

This guy has made a complete and utter mess of this entire situation and I’m sick of being full of regret every time he’s involved. I always think it’s going to get better and everything ends just as fast as it starts, usually after a massive amount of drama. I’m tired of the fact that he doesn’t have a car or his own place. I don’t want to worry about being around him, or him being at my house or even having to talk to him directly. I seriously can’t handle his insults and constantly being ridiculed when he doesn’t do shit for his kid. The deadbeat absent parent always has the most to say.

I can honestly say the more chances you give someone, the less respect they have. He never sees it as a chance to be a Dad and spend time with his child, she’s just the access to me. I don’t think he’s ever gotten over me not wanting to be with him and plans to punish me for the rest of my life, even if that means punishing his child. I don’t see him ever being a Dad unless I were to go as far as moving him in and putting up with his lying, jobless, double life bullshit. I’ve had several girls comment on my entries saying that they knew the only way their kids’ Dad would ever be involved is if they were together and the guy still wouldn’t fucking change.

I’m also not going to end up like my Mom. I don’t want my daughter growing up watching her Dad sit on the couch like I did. We ALL would have been better off if my Mom would ever gotten rid of him. Maybe we wouldn’t have grown up in poverty. We had both parents and had it worse than kids that just have 1 parent to rely on. My Dad made sure that we never had shit because he was too focused on financially abusing my Mom.

I’ve watched their very unhealthy relationship my entire life and I just refuse to end up like her. I want better for my child. It’s sad that she never had more of a backbone and chose to look the other way when she absolutely should have gotten us kids away from this abusive, toxic person. I will probably never forgive my Mom for the choices she made because we had to live through it. My Mom has a lot of issues of her own that she never healed from or got help with and we suffered for that.

I’m still not over how much crap she’s pulled on me since I had my child. I can’t believe the shit she’s done but still wants to bad mouth my kid’s Dad when she’s no better than him. She’s been just as absent, just as unreliable, and has also used my child to hurt me. I truly believe that my Dad has his spot in hell reserved and hers is right next to his. I’m grateful that I don’t have to have anything to do with them and I thank God for that every day. I also don’t want my daughter growing up thinking that every time we see her, we have to put up with him. I don’t want her watching me bag up our food and give it to them. I don’t want her to be around really toxic people and thinking their behavior is normal.

I think we’re going to my brother’s house for awhile so I’ll write more later. I have since unblocked her Dad and we’ll see what happens. All I know is there’s going to be plenty said before he were to see her again. I’m really hesitant about him even being able to contact me and might decide to block him because it just doesn’t ever lead to anything positive but I also worry that he could use it against me in court.

It’s just hard when I don’t have any help here. I always think that maybe things are going to get better. I just want to be able to have someone to rely on with my daughter. I’m just tired of things being like this. All I know is no one will ever be able to say that I didn’t try.